Thursday, 04 November 2010

• Dear Kerry: Is Timing Everything?

  
  

  Do you have a dating or relationships question, and want advice from our experienced advice columnist Kerry? Email her your dating and relationship Q's at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com or submit an anonymous letter to Datingish with "Dear Kerry" as the title. Your question could be featured on Datingish!
  

  Today's letter involves a case of terrible timing.
  

  Dear Kerry,

   

  I've known this guy for 8 months. When we first met he liked me and wanted to hang out with me... I never had the time. I had feelings for him but not as much as I do now. He went away for the summer and when he came back my feelings for him flipped and I started liking him a lot.

   

  I still continue to like him to this day, but I don't think he feels the same way. How do I know? Whenever we make plans to hang out he either cancels or makes up an excuse and doesn't see me, whenever he sees me he says nothing to me (not even hi or what's up), Our text messages and chat conversations have become very dull and bland. Every time I text him or talk to him it seems as if he doesn't want to talk to me.

   

  I recently approached him telling him if he doesn't want anything to do with me to walk out the door, but he chose not to. He told me he liked me and loved talking to me. He never tries to strike a conversation with me first, he used to but not anymore. I feel like I'm a puppet on a string, it's the worst feeling ever. I'm sick and tired of the games he plays with me and I don't think he wants me.

   

  What do I do? Do I move on or keep holding on to something that may not be there?

   

  Sincerely,

  Sick & Tired

  
  
  

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  Hey there, Sick & Tired. Timing, Timing. Timing is everything. Here, unfortunately, it seems like your watches were never in sync.

   

  In his mind, he probably feels like the chance has passed. He was upfront about his feelings, and you never reciprocated. Now, he's spent time apart and wants to move on. Since the two of you still talk, he probably doesn't have any hard feelings, but after all that time, he probably has let his dreams of dating you die.

   

  Put yourself in his shoes. He's seen you be fickle with him before, and he may not want to put himself in that position again. Time has passed and he has healed, and unfortunately, that is my advice for you today: heal and move forward.

  Your gut has already told you something I'm going to remind you of now: You don't think he feels the same way. Why push something with someone who is giving you that unwanted vibe? It's good that you were upfront and honest with him about your feelings, and even had the strength to give him an ultimatum. But he didn't choose either of the things you offered: he chose to keep you in the friend zone.

  Ask yourself this: do you want to be friends with this guy? Does this relationship work as a friendship? From what you've told me, he doesn't even seem that interested in having a close platonic relationship with you. The truth of the matter is, if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you. If he has feelings for you and you're throwing yourself at him, he will let you know. If he wanted it to work, it would have. I don't mean to sound harsh, but for your own sake and for the sake of the tons of other girls who have been in your shoes, try to see this clearly.

  Feelings fade the longer they go without reciprocation, meaning the longer you spend away from him, the more you'll realize this wasn't a perfect match. Just as he was able to move on after what he considered to be your rejection, you will recover just as well.
  
  

  Instead of blaming him and accusing him of game playing, look at it this way: the timing just wasn't right, and you don't feel the same way about each other. The good news is that it doesn't seem that anyone has done anything here to deliberately hurt anyone else. Although that can sometimes make it more difficult to let go, you can at least move forward knowing there were no hard feelings.

  So what should you do now? Have the confidence to know that a better relationship is in your future, where you will find someone who fits into your schedule and life, and feels for you what you feel for him. And always keep in mind that if you have to force it, it isn't meant to be.

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