Tuesday, 02 November 2010

• Dear Kerry: Married and Flirting

  
  

  Do you have a dating or relationships question, and want advice from our experienced advice columnist Kerry? Email her your dating and relationship Q's at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com or submit an anonymous letter to Datingish with "Dear Kerry" as the title. Your question could be featured on Datingish!
  

  Today's letter involves a long distance re-connection... by two married people!

  Dear Kerry,

  Can you give me some candid advice or your opinion?

  
  

  I am married with 3 kids and met an old friend who is also married with 2 kids. He is in the United Kingdom and I am in Nigeria. We met 10-11 years ago at a party and were interested in each other when he had to travel, and when we never eventually dated, the relationship fizzled out.

  
  

  Early this year we caught up on facebook and have been communicating since then. We have so much in common. We talk to each other every day, send text messages, chat, and even mess around with the webcam.

  
  

  The amazing part of this is that I don't feel guilty about this.

  
  

  My relationship with my husband has been very strained over the years because we have some serious financial issues (I am the provider) and he (my husband) isn't exactly the most exciting person to hang around with. He's so involved with himself.

  
  

  For me, I have been bogged down with looking after my brood, work, and my postgraduate training. Its is just recently I am taking time out to have my hair done, taking care of my skin, trying to lose weight and look good.

  
  

  Truth be told, if this guy comes around or I go to the UK, its very likely we will see each other. I needed to tell someone.

  
  

  From,

  Long Distance Connection

  
  
  

  ---

  
  

  Hi, Long Distance Connection. You've asked me to be candid, so get ready for some harsh reality checks. It's for your own good, I promise.

  A lot of fuss has been made on Datingish about emotional cheating. I tend to think that harmless flirting is just that: harmless. And, not for nothing, there is no dating law that prohibits reconnecting with old friends over the internet. However, it's clear from what you've told me that you are taking part in an emotional affair, and affairs are definitely something to worry about.

  
  

  All the signs are there:

  1. You are quick to note that your own relationship is stagnant.
  2. You qualify him as an attractive and date-able person.
  3. You admit that you plan on continuing to contact a person you've had feelings for, both online and in person.

  But I have to call your bluff here: you have to have some kind of guilt going on, otherwise, you wouldn't need advice. Something is panging inside of you, telling you that you have or are going to cross a line. The truth is, even if you don't have a gut feeling that you're making a mistake, there is something going on to make you think you're about to do something you'll regret, for one reason or another.

  You and I both know you're playing a dangerous game right now, and not even because of your own marital issues. I won't pretend to understand what it's like to be married, but I have cheated on a long-term boyfriend, and trust me, I know what it's like to feel an emotional connection to someone in a way that your current partner cannot provide. I know that it can make you feel no guilt, and even make you feel better, both about yourself and your life. But, in the end, the truth always comes out. And you have to be ready to deal with those consequences, especially because there are children involved on both sides.

  If you are having serious problems in your marriage, it is not the best idea to start pursuing relationships, even strictly plutonic relationships, with other men. It's like dangling a piece of bacon in front of a dog. You know you're going to take a bite.

  And then there is the more dangerous line: his marriage. Just as I can't judge the dynamics of your marriage, neither you or I are in a position to judge the dynamics of his. Perhaps they have a fantastic, loving relationship that would be mauled by the connection the two of you are currently stirring. Maybe it would ruin his relationship with his children irrevocably. Those kind of relationships, even with people we think we know inside and out, are so personal and precious, that we cannot begin to be able to understand them. To step into someone else's home life and make moves that could potentially destroy it is unfair to everyone involved.

  All of the moves you make now should be carefully planned, definite, and sure. If you are going to leave each other's spouses to be together, be upfront and on the same page about it. The distance involved here is complicated enough that this would have to be planned out anyway, but it's still a point I feel I have to make. If you are going to continue to speak, let it be known that it must stop there: that you will not meet in person. The two of you don't have room to be coy and playful about your clearly romantic connection, because what you're doing is serious, and deserves a serious upfront discussion.
  

  At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be happy. In the last letter I answered, I told the girl that cheaters deserve love too. I will never retract that statement. However, when it comes to families with children, everything must be handled with gentle care. Only you know what is best for your family, so just keep them in mind first the next time you pick up your phone to respond to a text.

  Prioritize first, think second, and act third. Best wishes on a difficult situation.
  
  

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