Monday, 01 November 2010

• Casual Sex Basics: The One Night Stand

  What it is:
  

   A one night stand is exactly what its name implies. A night founded on the implied agreement between two people that whatever they get up to that night won’t carry into the real world of the day-after, but instead is only valid that night and that night alone.

  What it is not:

  When you spend the night with someone who either explicitly or implicitly talks about things in the realm of dating and feelings, then afterward never calls you, you did not have a one-night-stand. What you did experience however, was sex with a jerk. A one night stand is always a MUTUAL agreement to sex with no strings attached. If one of the parties believes anything more could come of it, something went horribly wrong in the communication.

  Guidelines:

  Of all the imaginable casual sex scenarios the one-night-stand is the one bound to the least amount of rules and really allows you to indulge, let free, make everything revolve around yourself and experience the advantages of true casual sex relationships.

   

  You read that right: casual sex relationships, not just casual sex. Contrary to popular belief one night stands aren’t just about sex.

  Better than thinking of it as a quick ‘do-and-dump’, is to think of it as a one night during dating relationship. None of the conflicts and awkward family stuff that eventually follows, but all of the courting, acting coy, sexual tension build-up and being driven by hormonal impulses that characterize the first and still superficial stage of dating.

  One rule is that both parties should know this encounter is a one-night arrangement. This aside, everything is allowed. Nothing is off limits. Nothing predetermined, everything up for suggestion.

  The only borders are the ones you or your partner for the night install yourselves. Technically speaking this makes one night stands perfect for sexual experimentation.

  In practice however, people hardly ever try completely new things on such nights as experimenting implies confidence, which for most people implies a high level of trust.

  Here are the basics for successfully having casual sex:

  1. High confidence level
  
  2. Look at relationships, feelings, and sex rationally.
  
  3. Knowing what you do and don’t want
  
  4. The ability to say no
  
  5. Having a standard and being able to uphold it regardless of the circumstances, because – to say it with a classic taken out of context – “If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything”.
  
  6. Having a no-care attitude towards other people’s opinions. A thick skin won’t do. People are relentless and will keep poking till you crack. The most effective and healthy way to deal with the disapproval people are inevitably going to show, is as simple as relying on your own judgment. Of course since this means it will then function as a foundation for all your actions, your judgment needs to be solid.
  
  7. Knowing when and being able to stop. With casual sex it’s easy to lose yourself. When you notice yourself slipping into a pattern, lose sight of the bigger picture, fail to uphold your standard or get torn up because you do develop feelings for someone, it’s important to be able to stop.
  
  

  Pros/Cons:

  Obviously the non-issue of "what happens after" is an important pro. The biggest con however is one and the same.

  As one night stands are literally meant to be restricted to one night, you’re not supposed to let any of it affect you afterwards. You can enjoy the memory, but that’s as far as it goes. Everything you learned about the person you spend the night with needs to basically be erased from your mind when entering the real world again. Your behaviour towards the other person needs to afterwards be unaltered to what it was before. It’s almost as if the night in question was nothing but a glitch in reality and what you experienced only transpired in some sort of time-and-space vacuum halfway between the actual and a fantasy dream world.

  Where’s the negative you ask?

  Imagine the perfect one night stand. You’re out, spot someone you’re extremely attracted to, get talking, find out you get along famously, hit the dance floor, find yourselves dancing in sync and getting steamy without being vulgar, lean in to kiss, find out it’s the best you ever had, go someplace, have amazing crazy monkey sex.

  Then what? You just go on the next day as if nothing special happened? Never think about the hot stranger that made your stomach flip from the moment you started talking and for all you know might just be your perfect fit both sexually and personality wise?

  This is the ironic dark side of the true– one where you don’t swap any contact information and really go your separate ways after. If it’s really bad, it’ll haunt you until your next partner comes along. If it’s really good, it’ll haunt you forever.

  What do you think? Please add your own tips, comments, and person experiences!

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