Monday, 01 November 2010
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What Do You Mean You Don't Know?
So this weekend I drove to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity/ Keep Fear Alive.My two friends were staying in a hotel and I decided to stay with my boyfriend, who goes to George Mason, because I haven't made it up to visit him (due to my lack of car), while he has come down twice.
Although my SO's roomie was staying at Mason this weekend (he has gone home to Philly every single weekend until now, just my luck) and had a lady friend over too, everything went decently. After the rally we cuddled and took a long nap, then had dinner and then sat in the front row for a fun performance by Buika, a very cool lady who the New York Post is hailing as the "flamenco queen."
All was well and good when we got back and I met his funny suite mate. When the boyfriend ducked into the other guy's room for a minute, discussing flutes of all things, it suddenly hit me that there was absolutely no sign of me-- of us-- in my man's room at all. No pictures, no stuffed animals, no notes, no anything.
Tomorrow is our two year anniversary and this guy doesn't have a single piece of me in his room?
When he came back I calmly said, "Babe? I have a question. Where are all the things I've given you? All our pictures and whatnot?"
He sort of looked at me like a shamed puppy might, then came the feeble, half-hearted excuses. "I don't know. I guess I forgot. Maybe I was trying to be manly and make friends. It slipped my mind. I'm lazy. I'm dumb, I'm sorry, I love you."
Needless to say, I wasn't having it.
He's been living there since late August, he's had time. He doesn't really do much, so he wasn't busy. He's always in his room, so I can't imagine he never noticed or didn't think about it. Last year, he unpacked our stuff is his dorm right away and at home his room is filled with us. Isn't that one of the first things you do when you nest? Fill a space with things that comfort you, reminders of loved ones?
And, yeah, when he first moved in his walls strangely resisted any sort of sticky tack, but he somehow got his own art work up. Meanwhile, not even a picture frame of us.
There wasn't a fight, but there wasn't any cuddling or talking the rest of the night. He just laid in bed and made sad eyes at me without offering more explanation so I read a book until we fell asleep.
The next day I was affectionate, but didn't capitalize on everyone else going out for breakfast, opting to bring up the unresolved issue because I just didn't understand. I asked him if he was unhappy, if he wanted to talk-- I just needed some sort of explanation other than moping eyes and the repetitive "No, I love you," but he couldn't offer me more.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm just very frustrated because I don't understand. We live hundred of miles away from each other and get to see one another about one month, so why wouldn't he want reminders of me? I know he loves me madly, but why would he keep all the stuff I gave him in some box that wasn't anywhere in sight?
What do you think?
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- From: TheCatInTheCradle@xanga
- About Me: Greetings! My name is Alexa. I write, I read, I tweet. Oh, and I kick ass on my good days. You can find all of my social media at http://flavors.me/alexajohnson
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Comments (71)
I would react the same way you did. :(
I had the same thing happen to me when I visited my guy over the summer while he was doing research at OU. He said he left my stuff behind because he was afraid of breaking it. It hurt my feelings, but it kinda made sense--I gave him a lot of picture frames and stuff. But then he came back home bearing shotglasses that miraculously survived the dangerous trip.
I would react the same way if he didn't give a very good excuse. Your guy does sound guilty, but his repeating of "I don't know" strikes me as odd. I thought guys liked to show off that they have a hot lady--why would they hide that they've got a gorgeous girl waiting for them at home?
I think there are people who hang pictures and things everywhere and people who don't. I don't hang pictures. It really doesn't mean anything in offense. It's just something I don't do.
I would say he's just being a guy. Typically they don't get all mushy and sentimental like we do, they don't need those things in constant view. Just my opinion. Been with my guy for three and a half years and his room is more an ode to the empty soda can than anything else. lol
@Gorrific@xanga - Agreed
If it bothers you that much then just do it yourself. He's a guy and guys are dumb. He didn't mean to hurt your feelings; he just doesn't know any better.
i don't get what the big fuss is about. i never keep things from boyfriends laying around. i have frames and stickers and memory boards on my walls, and none of the pics have a face i;ve dated in them. i just don;t see how having that would prove my feelings for someone, and maybe he thinks along those lines too.
When my husband and I was dating, I did not frame any pictures of us in my room. I just felt like I didn't need to. Besides, I didn't want to fork out the extra cash to buy the frames (that I like and quite expensive) for our pictures. He knows that I la la la looooove and adore him and having his picture up or not, don't mean I don't love him any less. I guess it really depends on the individual. I wouldn't suspect that he's hiding you or cheating on you, but eh. People are different. Give him the benefit of the doubt. If you really want a picture of you two there, maybe you should do it yourself for him.. that way, he has no reason to NOT have a picture of you two there.. in his room.
I don't blame your being bothered if h had done the sort of thing in the past. Did he only do it back home, though, to appease you? Maybe putting lovey stuff up isn't really part of his thing.
If you don't feel comfortable with writing it off, don't, but don't jump to any conclusions, either. The most reasonable thing you can do is wait until the next time you visit (if it's fairly soon) and if there's still nothing around even after you brought it up to him, ask what's going on.
I didn't put any pictures of any of my boyfriends in my room unless they were school dance portraits. Since I got a digital camera 2 years ago, all pictures go straight to Facebook and I never bother even getting them developed after importing them on my computer. When I wanted Joel to have a piece of me in his room, I drew him a picture and put it on his wall myself. He's a guy, they don't think of that.
If you know he loves you, why do you care if everyone ELSE knows he loves you? (Which is basically what you're saying... you want everyone who walks into his room to see pictures of you and him together, etc.)
He doesn't have pictures or anything up because his personal life is HIS PERSONAL LIFE, not anybody else's. He plans to keep it that way. Don't freak too much.
I wouldn't over-think it. I would probably have the same reaction as you at first, but you have to remember that guys don't always think about sentimental things like that, especially when you've been in an relationship a long time. He still loves you, and if he makes that obvious, I wouldn't let this little happening effect your thinking.
Whatever, he's a guy, and he lives with other guys in a space that isn't so defined by where they can and cannot go. Perhaps his roomie was single until recently and he didn't want to rub you in his face. Or maybe his ideal concept of relaxation doesn't involve you. Mine doesn't involve my fiance. Life doesn't have to only be about your SO, you know.
Haha, the first picture either of us has put up of each other is a wedding photo...that his mom had framed and gave to him for his birthday (Oct 4). We were married in April 09. Heh. I really wouldn't overthink it. I mean, if it hurts your feelings obviously he should make an effort, but I've never hung up or propped up any memorabilia or what have you for anyone I've dated. I don't think that means anything.
I think your over-reacting, guys don't need all those sentimental things to remember you and know they love you, I would say, to let it go, you know he loves you. Isn't that enough?
I'd probably be like you and I'd wonder... is it because he's trying to look like a regular guy and make friends? But then I'd go on to wonder... what part of having a girlfriend makes him not be able to have friends, would his friends look down on him actually committing? Then I'd have to ask myself it the reason he had no pictures around, being that he is in college, is that he's bringing girls back to his room.
But honestly? If he can open his mouth and tell you he loves you and feel guilty about it, you know there's not a thing wrong. Don't sweat it. Next time you're up there, I'm sure you reminded him and there will be memorabilia somewhere.
Wow, I think you are seriously over-reacting. I don't even know what else to say. Why would you waste your energy fighting about something like that?
Originally i was like.. hmm, overreaction. but i tend to overreact, so i am in no place to judge you.
what i find odd is that he had his whole dorm decked out last year, and this year he doesn't. then i would be upset. so i understand but at the same time i think you need to let it go.
I think you're probably over-reacting. Maybe. If he's got plenty of pictures up (not just art, because some people will put up art but not personal photos) and similar things from other people out, but nothing of you, that's suspicious. On the other hand, if he has very few pictures or personal things out, period, it may just not be his thing or not his thing in the dorms.
I feel the same way about my boyfriend's facebook. I mean his relationship status says that he's in a relationship with me. But it you were to look at pictures, the only ones you would find of us TOGETHER or of me, would be ones that I've tagged him in. I'm not stressing over it because I know he rarely ever uses facebook. We pretty much see each other everyday. And he does have a couple pictures of us in his car.
My ex used the phrase "I don't know" over and over when we were breaking up and I didn't react this badly..
I think you should just take some time to think about this, and actually determine whether or not you over reacted. But different things are important to different people, so everyone has the right to over react to what's imporant to them.
@r1bc4g3k1d@xanga - I think the concern is that it appears that he's available, and if he's cheating, the girl he's cheating with would never know he has a girlfriend.
OP: Does he have pictures of you on his Facebook/Myspace/etc? It does seem odd that there would be no pictures of you. Does he have a photo album in a drawer where you wouldn't see it unless you looked for it (you'll probably have to ask him, as it's likely that you don't know)? Guys can be really mean to each other about girlfriends, so maybe his friends teased him about being "whipped" or something, and that's why there's no pics up.
Umm I don't like that people are saying you're over-reacting. It's not like you started throwing around accusations or dumped him or something... it's just something that's bothering you and if you actually reacted the way you described... it sounds like you were trying to be understanding.
I'd say I agree with a few of the comments above, saying to maybe set up a few pictures of you guys in his room for him? Surely he wouldn't mind, and we can all agree that some people just don't do that kind of thing on their own. I know I don't, but that being said, doens't mean you don't have a right to have feelings about it.
Okay, so are there any other signs that he's dissatisfied? If the only issue you have is that he isn't displaying pictures or stuffed animals, you may be overreacting a little. As long as your relationship is healthy otherwise, let this one go. Relationships are all about picking your battles. Don't make a big deal out of something that isn't worth it. Sure, it bothers you, and that's okay...but does it really undermine your relationship with him and how he feels about you? Probably not. Let him slide on this one, and try not to let it bother you. It isn't worth stressing over. Seriously.
-Katie