Saturday, 30 October 2010
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Is It Time To Break It Off? Here's How to NOT Be an A-hole About It
Ending a relationship is never easy, even when you’ve truly had enough and you’re ready for freedom. But there are ways to make the deed go as smoothly as possible. If you only remember one thing, let it be this. Break up with others as you would like to be broken up with. Other than that, here are 6 best break-up methods.
1. Be honest
Whether they end up believing you or not, being honest with whomever you’re breaking up with is the best way to go. Tell them why you need to move on and answer any questions they may throw at you as honestly as you can. Think about the times you were dumped with no reason. How did you feel? It probably frustrated you wondering why, when things appeared to be going so well, they decided to end it. Be fair and be honest with them.
2. Pick the right time
Some poor choices include at a party or any other social gathering, in the car or doing a mundane yet domestic task together such as grocery shopping. Chances are, they’ll be caught off guard no matter when you break the bad news, but if you do it in the frozen food section, they may have a much stronger reaction that if you do it at a café or in your neighborhood park. There is never going to be a perfect time to break up with someone, but try to have as much control over the time as you can, rather than blurting it out over brunch with friends.
3. Do it in a public place
This minimizes the chances for chaos. If you’re in a restaurant and there are people around, they will be less likely to fly off the handle and cause a scene. If you’re alone and they freak out, you might be more likely to cave and call the whole thing off. Being in a public place may give you the confidence you need to follow through. Plus, when it’s over you can just walk away, rather than trying to get them to leave your place.
4. Do it in person
Do not be that person who ends a relationship electronically. Breaking up with someone via text, email or even over the phone is totally disrespectful. Even if you can’t wait to be rid of them, at least have the courage to look them in the eye as you dump them.
5. Make sure you are absolutely ready to do it
Not being totally sure of your feelings when you go to end a relationship can mess with your heart and theirs. If you’re not completely certain that it’s the right thing to do, you’ll confuse them and make them feel like they still has a chance, or worse, you’ll lose them when you still have feelings for them. Be totally ready to cut the ties or risk more heartache than necessary.
6. Take the high road
Chances are if they don’t see it coming, they won’t be happy with being dumped. They will curse at you, call you every name in the book, and make you feel like hauling off and punching them in the face. Restrain yourself. You’re leaving anyway, so just take a deep breath, nod politely and then walk away. You won’t gain anything by goading them on or giving them the satisfaction of knowing they upset you.
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- From: WhenAManLoves@xanga
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Comments (18)
I get the whole logic behind #3, but wouldn't it be pretty crappy to take someone to dinner or out somewhere and then dump them in the middle of it? I mean, unless they storm off that's going to be mad-awkward for everyone involved to finish eating and get the check.
@Murphy_Rants@xanga - I kind of agree... the scenario makes SENSE... but I think breaking up is a private thing. Plus...it's kind of mean, I mean...what if they started crying or something. I think they deserve to be broken up with in private.
The rest I completely agree with. Good post.
I agree with everything except number 3. Like what the other commentors said..it feels too awkward.
@Hinase@xanga - agreed.
I hate the whole "sudden break up" thing at all unless your partner suddenly did something awful. Most relationshiips die much more slowly over time. If you've felt the end coming and you've been honest with your partner throughout, then they already know you're not happy with the relationship and why. There should be no blindsiding them, that's just mean. The breakup conversation should very seldom come as a surprise. I think the conversation should be private and something that they already expect unless as I said they suddenly did something awful and then they probably expect it at that point too.
4. Do it in person
Do not be that person who ends a relationship electronically. Breaking up with someone via text, email or even over the phone is totally disrespectful. Even if you can’t wait to be rid of them, at least have the courage to look them in the eye as you dump them.
^^THIS. Twice this has happened to me. gahhh.
@lingeringlicentiousness@xanga - I totally agree. But no, of course, when I was broken up with, it was over the phone. He was going to text it, but I told him he shouldn't (because he was saying the things that led up to "I'm breaking up with you"), so he called me and did it.
Ugh. I just don't like any of this.
I disagree with number 3. I was broken up with in a public place and it was horrible.
I felt so embarrassed and suffocated. You will cause a scene if you do it in a public place... I didn't want it to be a scene, so that is why I asked him if we could please leave. (because I was crying and didn't want people to see me crying and stare. it'd be awkward for everyone)
I just kept pleading with him to go.
I was much more calm when we went in his car and to an empty parking lot and talked things over.
@Allyson_Singsxo@xanga - So, what about LDRs then? Like, if they are either across the country or what not?
#3 I think depends on just how "public" the public place is. I think breaking up with someone when you have an audience is rude. On the other hand, being in the usual "private" places can be awkward. If it's your place, you have to ask them to leave; if it's their place, they can't go home to be comforted by their surroundings because you've just made their surroundings part of the breakup; if it's a third party's place, you've just created an awkward situation in their place. (Note, this doesn't really apply if you're living together. If you're living together you've got a private place where you're both on equal footing and not going to be interrupted. The only exception would be if you think they may get violent, but in that case you should probably have witnesses.) Not that there's ever a "good" place to break up, but I think one of the best compromises between public and private is a place where there's enough privacy that you probably won't be overheard or noticed unless things get out of control, but public enough to prevent things from getting too heated. It should also be a neutral space that either both or neither of you have ties to, and from which you can both go your separate ways, eg.: a relatively quiet section of public park, beach, or riverfront where you're visible to other people, but nobody will come within about 30-50 feet of you or pay you much notice unless things get out of hand.
Example from my own life: the only time I've ever broken up with someone I dated for more than a few weeks, I did it on the campus of a local college that neither of us attended, on benches that were on the opposite side of a pond from the street and about 20 feet off the nearest path, clearly visible from both. I did it during a time when school was not in session; someone would walk by every 10 minutes or so and a few people were hanging out on the opposite side of the quad, but never close enough to hear what was happening.
#4. So true. I'm still bitter about that. Text message break ups have got to be the most cowardly idea anyone could take.
Very true. I just wish my head would take control over my heart in these situations.
Like everyone, I disagree with #3. I can't imagine how humiliated and awful I would feel to be broken up with at a restaurant. So what if they freak out? They have the right to be upset and to vent those feelings. I think it's kind of underhanded and cowardly to force someone to be calm simply by constraining them in a public place. But generally a pretty good set of rules. I think picking the right place is important - somewhere where both of you can easily leave - ie, they have their car and you don't have to drive them back to their place afterwards, but definitely private as possible.
number 3, i think, applies if you think they are the type to do that. otherwise, that's kind of dickish, to do it in public. dump them where they can go be comfortable, like their house. the more i think about it, the more i feel like number 3 is such a dick thing to do.
oh ive been a dick at break ups...seriously sometimes its hard to figure out the best way to do it.
Know the real reason. Examine why your were happy and why you are no longer. People are quick to break up these days. Sometimes when they don't need to. Those people could be missing out on years of happiness.
lol i broke up with my ex of four years in a text on on our four year anniversary. boo-yah!
its not as mean as it seems though. he had cheated and fought with me over it banging my head into a cardoor unitl it bled. so. he had it coming.
Reading everyone's comments about number three, I think that they have gotten the wrong impression with what the poster was trying to say. That or maybe I'm a complete looney.
What I got out of it was not to do it somewhere that is private private. For instance your place, or their place or someplace that will make it difficult for one person or the other to walk away from the situation. Saying this, I'm not saying that you can't do it there, it just might make it more awkward. What I understood from saying "public place" is somewhere like a park, or something like that. The poster said not to do it in front of a crowd or with friends specifically, so they weren't meaning go to dinner and break up with them there. They were meaning, somewhere neutral that is public as in public property. i.e. At school sitting on a bench away from everybody; in a park, outside away from the vast majority of people where you can have time to talk, not be interrupted, and still be able to walk away.I don't know if I got my point across, but I figured I might as well post my opinion.
Oh and I agree with this article. Just FYI lol