Can you love someone without being sexually attracted to them? It makes me wonder...I've always heard that it's best to take interest in someone based on what's inside, not what's on the outside. However, I've been hearing tons of contradictions to this ideal way of thinking about love. Just browsing through Craigslist a little (out of curiosity, not seriously!) gave me a good glimpse of what people are really looking for.
Almost all of the submissions I've seen had a strict set of guidelines as to what the person was looking for in a sexual partner or significant other. Some were even hypocritical in that the person did not want someone that looked like themselves. They wanted the ideal. Even while browsing through Xanga do I find many articles pertaining to physical appearance (*cough*Lovelyish*cough*).
Several blogs comment on how difficult it is to obtain a significant other due to being judged physically. I've seen a lot of responses to said blogs being that people care more about what's on the inside rather on the outside, but I also saw ones that mentioned that there had to be some sort of physical attraction or the relationship couldn't work. This makes me wonder. The other day, I got the urge to ask a girl out.
I'm pretty confused when it comes to my sexuality, but it doesn't seem like a strange notion to want to ask a girl out. But at the same time, I felt like it was weird to want to ask a girl out....like it wasn't normal. Isn't that funny? I relayed this information to Stella, and she doubted as to whether I really wanted that or not. In this situation, is it wrong to be attracted to someone mentally rather than physically? I've never been mentally attracted to a male like I have for a few females. But then again, there comes that whole "having to be at least somewhat physically attracted" to someone in order for a relationship to work.
I'm not saying that I've never been physically attracted to a woman before, since I mentally make note of females that I think are beautiful when I see them. But...I'm not sure. It's pretty late in the game to deny that I'm somewhat attracted to males. It's just....this concept of physical attraction and mental attraction that's got me tangled up. It's what's in the inside that counts, right?
Or is it much more...superficial than that?
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Comments (19)
Frankly, a strong mental attraction is important. Physically attraction, to me, is also important.
I can't have one without the other, it needs to go hand in hand, otherwise I just won't be happy with the situation.
There are women I get along with, and get along well, but I am simply not getting the physical attraction from them ... There is no possibility of us dating.
There are women who are the most beautiful creatures on earth, and then they have the blackest, darkest, ugliest personality... I am not going to even bother. There are so many factors into the laws of attraction, successful relationships, e.t.c. .... That you really can't pin it on a mental/physical attraction alone.
~aCe
We are drawn to the physical attraction first, because it's what we see first from a partner. Depending on who the people involved in the couple are, sometimes sexual attraction might not be important at all. The chemistry (be it sexual or not) really is what ties the two persons together. So, it's usually to each their own.
@aCe_KeiAnar@xanga - Amen!
you could be pansexual, meaning gender is blind to you
Yes you can love someone without sexual attraction (from a girl's perspective, yes)
Yes, I believe you can love someone without having a sexual attraction to them. After all some people are A-sexual but still can fall in love marry etc. The trick is to find the one who compliments you... the one who fits the desires of your heart, mind and spirit.
There are 3 parts of your brain which are :
The higher brain, the mammalian brain and the reptilian brain.
The sex drive and the need to procreate are an instinct which involves the reptilian brain and not the higher brain. Emotions and feelings for someone are a form of bonding which involves the mammalian brain. And the higher brain is intellectuality, responsibility, logical thinking and decision making.
A love relationship is when the 3 brains are connected. If the 3 of them don't connect, the relationship will not last.*
Information taken from Dr. Paul Dobransky's "The secret psychology of how we fall in love"
In my opinion :
If hooking up with someone only involves sex : it's a fling.
If hooking up with someone that involves sex and sharing mutual feelings = love.
If hooking up with someone that involves sex, sharing positive mutual feelings, sharing the same ideas, goals, expectations of life, and can compromise = long term relationship.
I believe that people are attracted to others physically first, then after interacting with the other person, if they share the same thoughts and feelings, will develop love. I personally don't believe that people can only love someone for their personality ( involving the higher brain only) without being attracted to him/her physically. If this is the case, I don't think the relationship will last. I think that loving someone without having sex is impossible, in long term.
it sounds like, if you can be physically attracted to females, but it's their mind that has you attracted to them most, you might be pansexual. i wish everyone were.
Generally when people fall 'in love', that first stage is actually what could be defined as lust. The chemistry of lust can be found in lovers for as long as 2 years. That is sexual love by the very definition. I would not think this applies to asexuals (for the fact they're a-sexual), so I can only guess the 'love' they experience is not sexual, but more along the lines of what one has for friends and family.
I think it is possible to love someone without being sexually attracted or have sex with them. it would be like a 80-90 something year old couple, who no longer has sex, but still love each other very much because their mental intimacy is still there even when the physical intimacy has faded. then again, they've built a foundation for like 50-60 years and that's an independent case scenario. as for younger people, I'm not sure. I think it would be more of she can potentially be your female best friend but not a "lover" since you're not attracted to her in that way, but some people were best friends or good friends with their significant other before they got together, so the feelings could gradually blossom into more than friends and into the physical realm. personally, I'd have to have the entire package of mental and physical as well as a spiritual bond in order to get them out of the friend zone.
Attraction is definately necessary. But you shouldn't base a relationship only on the attraction if you are looking for a long term commitment.
you could be just like me man. i dont want to date anyone, i think all the girls in my school are gorgeous.
i talk about how pretty they are, doesnt mean i wanna date them.
i love each and every one of them ( minus a few queen Bees hahaha ) id die for any of them, but date them? naaaaahhh not for me.
im a man, im not gay, im just a little stranger then most
I think it all depends on the person...but I do believe that both factor in somehow for everyone.
Two of my friends are attracted first based on intellect, and then consider physicality, while I am the opposite. It just depends on the person.
There HAS to be a level of sexual chemistry for a long term relationship to work. Otherwise frustration, whether acknowledged or not, will destroy it.
There are three basic types of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
I need all three to call it "true love"
It's important. I've tried several long term relationships with nice guys who I was not attracted to and I couldn't do it. Sex does matter. Is it the only thing? Of course not. But I'm sick of people trying to sweep it under the rug and say that we're bad people for wanting good sex in our relationships. There's a good article this month in Psychology Today about why appearances do matter and why that's not a bad thing.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - You might be surprised how many of those 80 year old couples still have sex...
@Aamba@lovelyish - lol they probably still do
the senior citizen population can still get their groove on
Nope. Never. In my opinion. And in the books I've read, if you're not in
the least bit attracted to them. it's going to be more of a challenge,
but yes, it's true, that guys are unfortunately more (IF NOT ALOT MORE)
visual than girls/women. That's because of nature and biology.
In any case, be careful out there everyone. Guard your emotions and
feelings because there are Not something you should play with ...and
yes, I guess if you guys are meant to be, then yes it will happen for
sure. Don't lose hope.
But also don't be stupid.