Thursday, 28 October 2010

• Dear Kerry: I'm a Cheater

  

  Editor's Note: This is our advice column, featuring the awesome advice from our experienced advice columnist Kerry. Email Kerry with your dating and relationship Q's at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com, and she'll pick her favorites to run on Datingish.

  Today's letter involves a serial cheater!
  

  Dear Kerry,

  Thank God this is anonymous because I really need advice and I don't know where to turn.

  I broke up with my long term boyfriend almost a year ago. It wasn't a terrible break up, but I was dishonest with him about why I was ending the relationship. The truth is, I was cheating on him. A lot. I made out with three different guys and even had sex with someone else during my freshman year at college.

  They were all one night stands, silly college hookups, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. We had a good enough relationship while it lasted, but we just grew apart and I waited too long to end it... so long that I ended up cheating. He still has no idea.

  I have so much guilt, and I don't think I should put anyone through the torture of dating me if I'm just going to end up cheating on them. I just feel undateable. What should I do?

  Help,

  Desperate To Change 
   

  ---

  
  

  Desperate To Change, your name alone tells me there is hope for you. You know that what you did was wrong.

  I'm about to make a statement that may seem controversial: cheaters deserve love, too.

  I am not going to waste my time by explaining to you that cheating is wrong. Nor am I going to bore you, Datingish readers, or myself with the lecture about how you should have come clean to avoid the kind of guilt you are currently experiencing about cheating. What's done is done. The past is the past, and although I do believe it is still a good idea to tell your ex about your exploits during your relationship, that's not going to be the focus of my advice.

  You've acknowledged that you and your ex were growing apart. This shows me that you realize that you were in a relationship that was ending. Your cheating, from what you've told me, could be considered in some ways a manifestation of what you wanted-- to move on. You know that the relationship was doomed before you cheated, making it easier to cheat. It happens every day.

  Just because you've made mistakes in your past does not mean you will make those mistakes again. You have not contracted an incurable disease. Cheating is an action, one that, yes, you committed a few times more than you ever should, but just because there's a stupid saying that exists that says, "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not mean you are trapped. You can change. You want to change. So, go on and change. It really is that simple.

  Think about how you're feeling right now. You're low. You're down on yourself. You've convinced yourself that not only should you not be in a relationship, but that you should not subject others to the likes of you. Imagine you've been healed of that pain, and found someone you really love. Would you really put yourself through all this again? Is it really worth it? Based on your "desperate to change" attitude, I find it hard to believe that you are going to make this mistake again.

  And, most importantly, please know this: just because you made the mistake of cheating does not mean you should be doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. We've all done things in past relationships, especially when we're young, that we are not proud of.

  When I was a freshman in college, I was in an LDR with my ex. I made that poor kid drive 8 hours to see me every other week, and never made the trip to see him once. I was an inconsiderate person, point blank. But I learned from it, and I'm a better SO to my current boyfriend because of it.

  One warning I will give you-- until you are at peace with your past, do not enter another relationship. There is an important difference between moving on and healing. You may have moved on from your ex, but you haven't healed from your own choices and mistakes, and you cannot expect someone else to do that for you. However, when you are strong enough (and you'll know when you are), hold your head high as someone who has a past filled with imperfections, but is all the more beautiful and worthy because of it.

  Do you have a dating or relationships question, and want advice from someone who has done a lot of dating? Dear Kerry is for you! Email me at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com. Or, send an anonymous letter to the Datingish with "Dear Kerry" as the title. Your question could be featured on Datingish!
  

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