Saturday, 23 October 2010
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Does Having a Relationship Define You?
I've noticed a particular attitude among my friends and even my bf (before we started dating) and just all around: that somehow, if they don't have anyone, they aren't worth anything; that a relationship somehow defines them in ways that being a single can't. Sure, a relationship is great, but just because you don't have someone at the moment, doesn't mean that it won't happen soon. It doesn't mean you're ugly or whatever. It kind of irks me.
I try to reassure them that that's not really the case because most of them are sweet and kind. It's just they don't have any luck. Most of my friends are guys and very young too, but there always seems to be some sort of rush to get into a relationship that might or might not be long term. But that's not how it works.
Some of my friends do have self-esteem issues and some do not. It seems to me that you have to be in a relationship always to be happy no matter what. That you can't be single or else that's some kind of curse and everyone looks down on you for it. I had a friend Mimi (we will call her) that hopped from guy to guy in high school and she never seemed to be happy without someone. Is it possible to be happy without being in a relationship? I think yes, but in this day and age, society demands you have someone or else because there is a large amount of pressure. I've noticed this is various media outlets.
I admit that I was victim for a while in high school but I snapped out and realized the many advantages I had when I was single. There wasn't anyone to worry about and I could basically do what I want and discover myself more. And that made me happy more than anything.
But I do believe that I don't need a relationship to be happy, that I'm in one because I actually love my bf and don't mind being in one. But I realize that a relationship doesn't define me as a person and that just because you don't have anyone doesn't mean you're ugly etc; it doesn't mean anything.
Have you ever felt pressure to be in a relationship? Do you think that a relationship will make you happy? Have thoughts along the same lines? What are your experiences?
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- From: Hinase@xanga
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Comments (49)
The fuck? .. No, having a relationship does not define me.
I often find myself asking if it's possible to be happy in a relationship... hmm. No, my identity is not defined by a relationship.
You have to be fine with being single to be happy in a relationship. Depending on others to make yourself happy is not a good road to go down.
I used to be unconsiously happier while in a relationship than out of one, hence the jumping from one relationship to the next, but I've matured. I don't feel pressure anymore. But then I'm a junior in college so maybe that makes a difference?
I always told my single friends that they can't expect anyone to love them if they can't love themselves. I get lonely sometimes as well, but I would never somehow feel incomplete without a significant other. I define who I am--not a relationship.
No one is going to MAKE me happy, I have to make myself happy. It seems lately that girls think they need a guys approval, or a relationship to be considered well off, and happy. but it's not true. You should not let your relationship define you, because if you do you're going to have a whole lot of issues, and your relationship is probably not going to be a happy one.
No one wants to have someone relying on them completely. It just gets old fast.
I lurvvvvs being single :)
i was single for over 6 years. went on dates, but didn't find anyone i was really interested in. i loved being single. i love being in a relationship. and while i anticipate that i will never be single again, my relationship does not define me. i was happy then, i'm happy now.
no. relationships actually ruined the happiness equilibrium that I had when I was single. they are a bonus to me when I have one. I think I love myself too much to just give my love to anyone. so they have to work hard to earn my love and vice versa.
I used to ALWAYS want to be in a relationship. I was one of the girls who did not feel completely happy unless someone was there telling me how much they loved and appreciated me. For two years, I had a guy who did just that plus more, and I was content... for some time. However, because I relied so much on him to make me feel good about myself, I became needy and would get upset whenever I did not feel as if he was giving me enough attention. Eventually, I began to realize how pathetic I was for constantly needing someone and broke up with him to find myself again (there were other reasons too, of course, but those are irrelevant to this post). It's been a few months since then, and while it was difficult tryng to regain my self-confidence, I feel like I have not been this purely happy in a long time.
As for your friends, tell them to quit worrying about why they're still single. Heck, they're probably still single because they keep complaining about being single! Self-confidence is one of the sexiest things in a guy, and it appears that they definitely need to work on that.
Replies so far seem to be speaking of the ideal that a person should be happy by themselves, but ideals do not reflect the real world. The truth is, humans are not solitary animals by nature. Unless you're deliriously happy (ie insane), it would be impossible to be sane and happy alone (by even the most loose definition). People lie (by drivelling fanciful ideals), but evidence doesn't. Hence, hell yes do I think relationships define us in the social sense, and even on the personal level. I don't think there is a culture in the world that doesn't treat the chaste single status as something equivalent to shameful. Each culture deals with this differently, some by going all out and trying set up relationships between singles, others by out-casting the single people from social events, expecting them to find relationships themselves somehow (etc). Then you look at the general body chemistry of single people, compared to those who are in relationships, and how it effects their moods. They are completely different! Statistics and people tell lies, but evidence do not (I don't mean to sound evil).
I've always felt happiest when in a relationship, though the one I'm in now has spanned since I was 14 so maybe I don't have enough "single experience".
While I don't look down on anyone who's single, I sometimes have a harder time socializing with them. I know this is my fault, but it's easier for my fiance and I to hang out with our friends who are couples. Or just no one at all.
I sure hope being in a relationship doesn't define me, otherwise I must be a pretty worthless individual (single and loving it).
My last relationship taught me that I require autonomy. I have to have it. I hate feeling like I have no individuality. So, for the past year and three months or so, I have been learning to love me, and when I've worked that out, maybe I can work on finding a guy.
I'm having a tough time with this concept. After just getting out of my first relationship of 10 months, I am finding myself going guy crazy, trying to find someone to love me. I was fine before my ex, I will be fine after my ex.
I think as humans we go to extremes sometimes. We get dumped once and immediately go "NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE ME AGAIN!! I am doomed!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. I want to go die" No, no dear, everything is going to be okay. You're highly loveable.
NEVER. I try to find things that make me happy that are not related to having a relationship. I don't view relationships as being bad, but I'm happy whether I'm in one or not. Single life isn't such a bad thing. You get to do whatever you want! Why is that so bad? I go with the flow, so there's no rush to be in a relationship. I really don't get why you HAVE to feel like you gotta be with someone to be happy.
People need to do what they feel. And unfortunately most of the time that feeling is pressure- whoops, thanks Society you're an asshole.
It's really not the pressure of having a relationship that really bothers me, it's the people who don't really know what they want to define themselves before they go and say someone else defines them.
If you date someone who complements you, truly complements you, then that should simply strengthen who you are as an individual, not tell you what that individual is.
my boyfriend and i broke up less than 3 months ago, and i just got into an argument with my best friend when she told me i "needed a boyfriend." i think it's ridiculous that even the people who know me best are trying to force the idea that i need a relationship to be a whole person down my throat.
This a great post. There are so many people that just ask out people they don't even like just because they don't want to be alone. Or if they're rejected by one person then they move on to their second choice (which really disgusts me). I have been single for a few months now and was in a relationship so long that I forgot what it was like to be single. I definitely miss being with someone but at the same time, I can do whatever I want and work on ME before I try to make someone else happy too. And I'm going to wait for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now.
The "you don't exist unless you have a snookums-bear!" mentality is ridiculous. I've had a few boyfriends and I date/hook up sporadically, but I'm single most of the time and I prefer it that way. It's helped me to develop a better sense of self.
I'm not known for being "the cat lady". I'm known for being the most centered and least needy girl in my peer group :3
I don't remember what it's like to be single. Sometimes I wish I was, but since I don't remember, I'm kind of scared to be. I like having a boyfriend, it's a lot easier to reject a guy when he hits on you.. "Sorry I have a boyfriend." However, it's unfortunate when even THAT doesn't matter to other guys.
No, being in a relationship does not define me, nor does being single when I'm not in a relationship. However, I do like to have a defined status once I become involved with someone; "girlfriend" is easily understood by parents and friends, without that title it can sometimes get confusing.
I have a friend who ALWAYS needs a man to make her happy.
Personally, I believe you have to be happy with yourself and on your own before you can be completely happy with someone else. That always has been and always will be my philosophy.
Although having a relationship does not define me, and although it is possible for me to be happy single, I will never be as content/happy single as I am in a [healthy] relationship.
I function better in these relationships because I'm a romantic. A defining part of me is that I love having someone I can dote on, I love having someone that I can make happy in that way. I like being able to express that level of care and adoration, and that's much harder to do if the person doesn't return the sentiments.
And, yes, I'm also in love with the idea of love and like being cared about in that way, but those are largely secondary.
It is what it is, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I find it interesting that you said society today says we must be with someone and that there's a lot of pressure to be with someone, when I actually find society to be a lot more in the opposite direction. I think there is a TON more pressure for women (and men) to be single and have that type of lifestyle (sex with no strings attached, etc). Great post overall though :)
I would not be happy if I was not with my current boyfriend, but I was happy before I met him. My relationship defines a big part of who I am. He has become my best friend and just like your friends define who you are, he defines who I am. I would be absolutely devastated if we were to break up, but I know I would survive because I've done it before. I do think he defines me, but only in this relationship. Other relationships have not defined and I have not needed them to be who I am. Scientifically (well, as scientific as you consider psychology, Freud, and sociology. Everyone defines it differently which is the only reason I preface that) speaking, you need relationships in order to survive and though you can live without romantic relationships (of course!) you do need some sort of romantic relationship or else you will not feel whole. People can disagree and say that you don't need a relationship, but from what I've understood in various classes, you do need relationships.