Saturday, 23 October 2010
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Just a Quickie: What Are Your Dating Commandments?
What are dating commandments? Rules you shouldn't break in an arena of life that often calls for breaking rules and doing things you normally might not do.
OK, so you might be thinking, "Why is it important to make general dating rules? I hate rules." If you are one of those people, just think of these "commandments" as general guidelines. For many, these rules are probably ingrained in your head and you've never really thought about them, but I bet they are there.
My commandments are fairly bland, but I think they are pretty good, so I'm sharing:
1. Don't cheat
Obvious, right? Cheating is a two way street-- you need two brains and two warm bodies to go through with it, so blame is equal. If you are unhappy, leave, do not cheat. If someone you like has an SO but tries to get with you, be the strong one and walk away. It's simple.
2. Try to get along with your SO's friends and family
These two parties are probably the most important thing in your SO's life. If you are rude to them or ignore them, your relationships might get rocky and--worse-- if your SO really respects the feelings of close family and friends, you might just find yourself dumped over some stupid thing you said or did that offended them.
3. Leave past loves in the past (yours AND theirs)
So your new SO isn't your first love or your first lay. Why bring it up unless they ask you? And sure, that conversation probably needs to happen once or twice, but if they keep bringing up your ex or their own, lay down the law. Drudging up the past won't help anyone. Also, I think it's a pretty good rule of thumb to not try to maintain a really close relationship with your ex. Your current lover might get jealous or their could be some unresolved feelings between you two. The past is the past for a reason.
4. Treat all parties with dignity and respect, especially when breaking up
Sometimes the person you are seeing will really piss you off. Try to keep your cool and don't make the situation worse by spewing insults or reminding them of thing they (or you) have done in the past that hurt your relationship. Remember that you are not the only party who has real feelings, so take care in your words and actions.
5. Don't flaunt your sex life in front of parental units
You have a good relationship with your parents? Awesome. You know what you don't need to share? Your sex life. Also, please be discreet about sexing if you live under their roof-- they are paying the bills and they probably don't want to know what you are up to.
6. Speak up about what you need
I don't know about you, but I can't read minds and I'm willing to bet your SO can't either. If you are angry about something or want your SO to know something, TELL THEM. Don't expect them to just figure it out. Talk about it, let them know, and then they can try to fix whatever is wrong.
7. Share power
To me, a relationship is 50-50. No one is "in charge" or has the final say. A relationship is give and take, a partnership-- don't boss your SO around.
8. Don't try to change who they are
Please remember that your SO is not some sort of machine that you can program. They have their own style and beliefs-- just because you think yours are better or right (which they very well could be) doesn't mean you should try to brainwash them. If you have a serious problem with some aspect of your SO, take a minute and evaluate what and why. Is is really that much of an issue? If whatever is the problem is something that won't ever change, it's better for you to break up than try to make your SO something they are not.
As it happens, I know of quite a few people who have thought about dating commandments-- and one of them happens to be a lot richer (and more controversial) than I will probably ever be.
Patti Stanger, star of Bravo's very successful Millionaire Matchmaker, wrote a book last year called "8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate" two really great commandments she included are "Thou shall return calls promptly and honor thy dating commitments" and "Thou shalt not drink too much on the first date." This seems fairly obvious, but these are things you might not have thought a lot about and I think they are good ones to keep in mind.
Do you agree with any of the commandments listed here? What are yours?
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- From: TheCatInTheCradle@xanga
- About Me: Greetings! My name is Alexa. I write, I read, I tweet. Oh, and I kick ass on my good days. You can find all of my social media at http://flavors.me/alexajohnson
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Comments (14)
I struggled with 3, sigh.. I agree with everything except 8. I do agree that you should accept them mostly for who they are, but at some point, every relationship needs a lot of work and talks to improve it if it needs improving, and telling your s/o to change a bit to better the relationship isn't too much to ask for.
@lforletty@xanga - Agreed.
I think this is a good list... especially keeping your physical relationship out of your parents' view/lives. Unfortunately, my parents are far more interested in that part of my life than I would like. But that becomes a very long story... suffice it to say: there are some things better left unsaid.
1.) Test out sarcasm.
2.) Always smile and look parents in the eye when they are talking to you.
3.) Cut the strings when they need to be. Don't bullshit yourself and linger.
4.) Don't use or tolerate passive aggressive behavior to avoid talking about an issue, aka the "Nothing's wrong" behavior.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head.
9. don't lie
Perfect list. I am pleased that "don't cheat" is number one.
luv em.. lay em... run lack hell...
I dont have any commandments yet...I should make some
I like these.
I'd also like to add "talking openly about your feelings and issues that arise"-- too often people just get annoyed by something, sweep it under the rug thinking "oh it's not a big deal I shouldn't start drama," and then before you know it, it's built up like a canon and erupts annnd decimates your entire relationship becuase someone pulls out the line-- "oh yeah? well what about that time 3 months ago when you did THIS"
You never want a, "Thanks for telling me" response. But I just like a lot of communication. A lot. (the only antidote I see to to drama)
Don't expect to be my WHOLE life, only part of it. I absolutely cannot deal with clingy men, and it makes me run for the hills when they expect me to be with them every day. I seriously beg the question, "where did your sense of independence go?!"
@mybesttheory@xanga -
Sounds like your dating a gender confused "male" to me. Calmly remind them to behave like men.
my boyfriend and I established from the beginning we have one and only one - don't cheat.
everything else along the way has been dealt with accordingly as it came up.
works for us :)
@MedicMark@xanga - Not anymore, but yes.. my last boyfriend was like that. It nearly drove me insane.
#2: you can only do that as much as they are willing to. My husband's friends and family (with a few exceptions) are terrible people, at least to me. He loves them though, so I do my best to be nice. But, just for one example from his friends, his best friend, the first time I met him, told me how much he had liked my husband's ex. Nothing says "hope this one works out for you" like mentioning how great the ex was, especially when she cheated with her drug dealer. And one example from his family, the first time I met his sister, she decided to hug me, and grabbed my breast. And not by accident, it was very clearly grabbing my breast. But he wonders why I hate them so much, even though most of the time when they say or do something mean, he's right freakin' there. *sigh*