Friday, 22 October 2010
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Too Sleepy For Sexy Time
I once had a friend tell me that her boyfriend was often too tired to have sex. He worked long hours as an auto-mechanic, and often just wanted some alone time to unwind after work. Sex was not in the cards. She was sleepy too, after teaching all day, but still hoped that her boyfriend, as the man (the gender that's supposed to have the never-ending sex drive), would help them out of their no sex slump.
To me, this was stunning. If I'm in the mood, I could wake up any boyfriend I've had in the last 8 years from a deep sleep and he'd be raring to go, no matter how hard he'd worked that day.
So, I decided to do a little research, and I found out about a startling group of American couples. According to Dr. John R. Buri, a contributor to Psychology Today, "over 20% of couples in the U.S. are DINS couples."
DINS = Dual Income No Sex.
That's right. These are couples who both work to support their household... and have no sex whatsoever.
There's no denying that the world we're living in today is extremely stressful. With people losing jobs left and right, the pressure is on to perform in the workplace like never before. Even though I can't imagine anything permanently knocking sex off my priority list, this kind of all-encompassing daily anxiety that many people face sounds exhausting. I can't help but sympathize... for the stress and the lack of love making.
In the article (linked above), Dr. Buri focuses on my anomaly: is there really a man who is turning down a willing woman for sex?
Even with this sex statistic about one in five American couples in tact, Dr. Buri is skeptical, asserting that men will always be turned on by things like pornography. This implies that there is some kind of deeper issue that would keep a man from wanting to engage in sexual activity, even when exhausted. But maybe masturbation after watching a little porn is just less physically strenuous-- gets the job done without the added work of pleasing someone else?
But what about intimacy? It seems to me that a long term relationship suffers without any kind of physical connection. Waking up, working, whacking off, and passing out doesn't sound like the formula for a satisfying life, even if there is sexual satisfaction.
Are you in a DINS relationship? If not, how would you deal if your sex life came to a halt?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (25)
I'm not, my bf is the only one that works. I doubt that would happen to us. He's never that tired for sex unless he's emotionally drained by something and even then..I can still get him.
possible scenerio: I can't support myself- can barely support going out with you why make it more stressful by having a kid?!
I was never to tired but there were mornings, noons and nights that I "just didn't feel like taking my pants off" type of feeling, I guess that's the equivalent of having a headache.
Which reminds me, when I say, "I don't want to," do you get offended like I don't find you sexually attractive but when you say, "I have a headache," I'm not going to be pissed off for your just not telling the truth that you don't want to?!
my ex was never too tired to have sex. i'd be almost passed out and he'd still try to get me to give him a handjob. however, i wake up early and then work after school, so the only time i could ever really nap was at his house ^_^; either way, if my sex life came to a halt i would probably cry. you think it's no big deal to stop doing it, but i learned the hard way it's much harder than you think -_-
me and my boyfriend both work full time jobs and go to grad school at night after work...there are so many times we want to have sex but are both too tired or have too much schoolwork to do (or both) T_T
it doesn't matter how turned on you are or how horny when you are EXHAUSTED and stressed!!! Dr. Buri sounds like an outdated idiot >_<
I cringe at the thought but soon I'll be working 60 hour weeks for 3 months and I have a feeling this will happen.
my husband works a stressful job and long hours a lot. i've been turned down for sex because he's tired. he'll turn me down then not even 30 seconds later he'll be passed out. it happens...people get exhausted and yes sometimes too exhausted for sex. it's not a crime and it's not a problem. this doctor is looking too much into it.
I'll be damned. Something interesting (and not a misguided therapist desperate to get there name out there) in Psychology Today, haha.
My boyfriend works long hours, and he never actually SAYS he's too tired for sex, but I can kind of get the hint. I don't know if I could go for extremely long periods of time w/out sex with my significant other, though. When I was single, I had no problems with being celibate becuase I wasn't with anyone. Honestly, right now I feel like I'm sexually deprived and we have only gone like, two weeks without sex because I am pregnant and due in a few weeks, so he says he doesn't want to send me into pre-term labor. (UGH whatever)
When I WASN'T pregnant, though, and he was too tired, I let him fall asleep, and then either first thing in the morning or maybe if I woke up in the middle of the night, I would slowly ease into it. Like, start off rubbing, and touching, and and so on and so forth. Eventually he wakes up, even if he's groggy, and we both end up satisfied. He gets rest AND sex. Win-win situation if you ask me.
I have chronic fatigue. I assure you, it's possible to be too tired to masturbate, let alone have sex. It happens all the damn time to me.
i just read the title my first thought was: never too sleepy for sexy time.
I never lived with a s.o. but if I was at his house and he said he was too tired from work, I'd let him sleep and cuddle next to him to rest, too, and wait for him to wake up
sex is bad if there is no stamina, so I'd rather wait for him to recharge his energy for amazing sex, than mediocre powered sex
if it happens often, then on the day off from work, have multiple rounds of sex in one day to make up for it.
Yeah, that deeper reason why they won't have sex? SEX is a lot of work, while wanking is not.
I have massive health issues that give me the worst chronic fatigue most people could imagine. Or even worse than that. Even when it's something like, "Hey, I wanna cum on your tits", I find myself dying inside. Not because I dislike it (because I definitely don't hate it), but because it takes a lot of energy to be sexy and do things that he'll like. He also doesn't have the quickest trigger finger, if you know what I mean. Getting him off takes a long time most times.
So I can only imagine having the tables turned (I'm a man who is exhausted and am married to average woman who needs a little time to get her engine going) and being entirely disinterested.
@SuperEvilPopTart64@xanga - I second this.
It's hard to find the energy to have sex every day when both people work... Especially creative and kinky sex hahaha. As long as you're doing it at least a few times a week that's fine but no sex at all? I think there's other problems going on.
If my girl woke me up from DEEP SLEEP for sex she better damn well be prepared to do most of the work AND sleep in the wetspot.
@Ethonox@xanga - yeah, starting next month my schedule will be completely insane.. AND I'll be on a totally different side of the globe. Im prepared to have my facial hair grow a lot faster and deal with more jittery testosterone alltogether.
When I lack regular "release" I kinda devolve back into an ape a little bit lol. The Abundance of sperm makes me an animal, basically.
Stupid science.
My boyfriend nor I have a real job. So neither of us are ever tired, except when we stay out all night, but that's not like an every-night thing. We just have to work around our roommates being out of the room. And since our roommates are dating each other, it tends to work out perfectly. :)
Yep, this is our sitch. Boyfriend works full time, I am in school full time and work part-time. Though I could be raring to go at any time he wants to, usually it's on his terms and it sometimes aggravates me. I've got used to it a bit, but every so often I'll wish I had a bf who would be willing to do it more. Hard part is that he is amazing in every other way possible. I get shot down every single time. I vow to myself not to let him get his way when he is in the mood, but then when he is I give in. Ah well.
better than having them fall asleep on top of you...
example a: my ex. ughhhh.
I used to joke around with my gf about telling her no if I'd get sleepy. But, lol it's all a joke. I'm up for anywhere anytime! work...pfft
I'm so glad that I am not the only person with this problem. I honestly thought my bf was not sexually attracted to me anymore. I guess people do get tired.
@amaza@xanga -well we have been through a dry spell for 7 months my boyfriend has given me oral sex but actual sex (its a desert down there)