Thursday, 21 October 2010
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Cheat Confession: I Found Out About My Partner's Web Habits
Have you ever visited Cheat Confession? It's a site where people who have cheated/ been cheated on go to come clean or ask for advice. And they want help from our opinionated and helpful Datingish readers.ConfusedMJ said:
"I've been with him for 4.5 years, we have an amazing connection. We always talked about getting married and a family, 2 years ago we purchased a house together. Everything seemed to be on a set course for forever, I was excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
That is, until I busted him talking dirty on the net to random guys, and he also confessed to hanging out with someone, but said it never led to anything at all. It went on for 6 weeks, he says that's such a short time to throw all of this away for... And now he's talking about getting married... soon.H e ended it, deleted the e-mail, gave me his e-mail address and keeps saying sorry to me, that it was a mistake, nothing sexual happened so we can go to counseling.. I feel scared and confused.
Can you give me some advice?"
You can find more stories and give advice at Cheat Confession.
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About the Author
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- From: CheatConfession@xanga
- About Me: An anonymous forum/blog where people can post, comment, & share stories about cheating, being cheated on, or thinking about cheating while others comment. Staff Blog called, Topic Of The Day, where the staff writers talk about taboo topics in relationships. Users can read and comment on the blog.
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Comments (19)
Counselors. The both of you. Individual and couple. He has to remain transparent, giving you all of his information and passwords. And if he ever slips up in being sorry, in being transparent, you have every right to leave him.
Awww. Man, that's tough. I've been through the same thing, and it was definitely a trust-breaker.
I wish there was an easy solution for me to tell you. In my case, I decided to stick around and try to work it out. However, things were never the same afterwards because I lost a little bit of respect for him. I was still resentful and bitter, and I couldn't learn to truly trust him again. It wasn't so much about what he did- I'm pretty sure he didn't do anything physical with the other girls. But it was the whole going-behind-my-back thing. It was the betrayal of trust that I couldn't put behind me.
So basically, what I'm trying to say is that you should probably evaluate the situation and think about whether or not you can truly forgive him. If you don't think you can genuinely get past it, then things probably won't be the same from now on. If you decide to stay and still resent and mistrust him, it'll most likely lead to the end of the relationship, anyway. It did for me. =/
It's a sign that he has a need that either you are not filling or can not be filled by you...ie, the rush of flirting with other guys is not something you can do for him.
Ya'll need to find the root of this issue and proceed from there. If he likes talking dirty or being perverted w/ his lover and you are not providing that for him, he may have grown tired of not being fulfilled after so many years and is trying to find that fulfillment.
However, if he just likes to flirt and be involved with other people, get away. He is not the type of guy who will be good in a monogamous relationship.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - Agreed.
It's probably over..
I went on the web site and this is a man talking about another man haha i thought it was a girl
@MeLoveYouL0ngTime - agreed
@MeLoveYouL0ngTime - agreed.
It is definitely important to see whether or not you can fully forgive him. If you keep bringing it up after you guys have worked things out, then the relationship will never move forward and never get better. People deserve to be forgiven sometimes and if you bring it up or treat him differently still, then you haven't forgiven him and it is not fair to either of you.
I had a friend who cheated on her bf and she never heard the end of it for a whole year afterwards, until they broke up. Everytime she didnt want to have sex, he would bring it up and manipulate her into having sex with him... in the end she found out he cheated on her with many girls in the beginning of the relationship. All in all - not a very healthy relationship.
But when her current bf he cheated on her and they worked everything out, then she doesn't bring it up again because she doesnt want to treat him like her previous bf did. They've been dating a year since then and they couldnt be happier.
definitely go to counseling! i think that, as another reader said, once there's been a betrayal, the trust is broken. if you can get past that and not resent him for everything, then it can work out, but if you're not going to be able to trust again and avoid being bitter and resentful then what's the point? definitely try to work through things. hopefully this is an experience both of you can grow from. good luck!
1) Go to counseling, both as a couple and as individuals.
2) You then have to ask yourself if you can forgive him what he did.
3) Then you might want to figure out if it was a one-time thing or is he trying to tell you something...maybe he's curious about the gay lifestyle? Or he's trying to figure out if he's into girls, guys or a bit of both?
You might want to take some time to figure out the 3rd one before you start making wedding plans. Not trying to be mean or say bad stuff about your bf, but if he does find out he wants to swing the other way, marriage will be hard.
Hope it works out for you.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - I agree as well. Anything I say would just be a repeated waste of breath.
Ooh, so he is a little bi-curious...
This sounds like an excellent opportunity for a threesome!I'm personally not convinced of bisexuality in males, as I haven't seen any conclusive scientific evidence for it (if anyone disagrees, feel free to link the peer-reviewed scientific research paper, and I'll be glad to read it). Statistics may show that a small percentage of men say they're bisexual, but that doesn't mean they actually are. All men I've known who have claimed to be bisexual, have later come out as fully homosexual. I know that personal experience is hardly valid in a rational argument, but its honestly all I have to go on so I dare say he's a homosexual. If that's the case, then your relationship is as good as dead. However if bisexuality exists in men, then it'd be difficult to trust the guy again (same if it were a heterosexual you were dealing). The first thing is to be objective about the situation; unless you have reason to believe he will change his ways and won't pull the wool over your eyes again, I'd say its best to end the relationship.
@FreeYourFears@xanga - oooh nice to hear an optimist in the midst of all these online freuds shelling out advice haha.
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@Nominatim@xanga - Haha yupp. :)
you arent even married yet... you shouldn't need to go to counseling together. leave.
The fact that he gave you his email password and everything really seems like he means he is sorry. He doesn't want to compromise the relationship and wants to earn your trust back. People are human. However, if you find it again, it's over.
@FreeYourFears@xanga - The person writing this is also a dude. Not bi-curious