Saturday, 16 October 2010
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Do You Stop a Friend's Dating Trainwreck?
So, I have this friend. Let's call her Ashley. She's a delightful girl, very boisterous, fun and sweet. But she can be a bit manipulative; she likes to test guys, and is fine with having them follow her around like puppies. She also has some baggage from a terrible relationship about a year ago.
Enter my boyfriend's friend. We'll call him Matt. He had a long-term relationship with a girl who treated him like a doormat. He's a nice guy, smart and kind, but I know he's be a bad match for my friend because they'd bring out the worst in each other.Now, of course, they've met and are falling fast. We tried to steer them in opposite directions, suggesting they date other people, and they did-- but now they've wound up deciding to date, and are going out for the first time tomorrow. We know they'll wind up in a death spiral of dysfunction...but what can we do?We could be more vehement in preventing it. We could stop hanging out with them because of the drama. We could help them work through it. Or we could just leave them completely alone.What would you do? Has this sort of thing ever happened to you? How did you deal with it?
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- From: JennyGee@xanga
- About Me: I like trees and horses and butterflies! And theatre, and music, and psychology, and spanish...you name it. Only not French :-P
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Comments (19)
1) Let them date
2) Be supportive to both
3) Never pull out the "I told you so" until years after
Now, if you're really close to this friend, express your concerns. Always tell them you share your thoughts simply because you care.
If you guys aren't that close, then do the list shown above.
Friends know me to be honest (not blunt, big difference). I told my friend how much I did not think the girl was right for him, but I stayed supportive as long as he knew he wanted her.
When everything fell apart, I was there to support him through the heartache and never said I told you so.
Allow them the freedom to make their mistakes
and be the friend they always need.
I only stepped in if my friend was confused and unsure of what to do
and wanted advice.
I don't know if this is your style or if this helps.
=P
I think that offering unasked for advice, or worse, trying to actively control another adults dating life is almost always going to end badly. In my opinion good friends respect one anothers right to screw up their own life
. If your friends ask for advice, seek counsel etc. then of course you should be there to help them along in as loving and honest a way as possible.
i agree with the above. i don't think you can control or stop people from wanting to see each other. they have to learn if this is right or wrong for them on their own.
i agree with the above. i don't think you can control or stop people from wanting to see each other. they have to learn if this is right or wrong for them on their own.
there's really nothing you can do, without either of them being resentful about it and then deciding to still try it out for themselves. leave them to it, give them your opinion only if it's asked for.
@xx0behindthesmile@xanga - Agreed.
Everyone has to learn..and there's nothing really to be done. I've seen this happen so many times..and I kept my mouth shut. And only gave advice when they asked for it. Simple as that.
I tried to help a friend in highschool. She went crazy on me and decided I was after her man (definitely not). So... the best advice I could offer would be to just let them at it. If they turn out awful for each other, they'll figure it out. Try to get involved and you'll just end up being resented by one or both of them.
i dont think you can do anything
honestly, any friend interference... has never helped... my friends got into bad things, and when people tried.. they just got even more on the defense.. (which made it worse)...
the only thing we can do is let it play out... if its abusive or harming... than you can step in (with caution/tactfully), but if its a failing relationship... than theres not much to say since theres too much of that as their is... hopefully they figure it out and get out...
There's nothing you can do. Unless one of them has a plot to murder them, I dont think anyone should stop someone from dating someone.
It's just destiny and whatever problem they're having is their's and not yours.
The things your eyes see in other people's relationship is just the superficial layer. There's always that deep internal layer, that you will never understand
You don't have any right to stop what she's doing. Though the trainwreck might seem inevitable to you, it doesn't seem that way to her, so you have to let her learn for herself (and you may even be proven wrong).
I will go as far as gently stating my concerns if they are burning concerns. In this case, it sounds like you have already done that. There isn't anything else you can do. To cut them off or make an even bigger deal about it will only alienate them and they might even still resent you all for it after the relationship has all gone up in smoke, if it does, and it sounds like it will. I guess sometimes friendship is saying only so much when you know you are right and still being there for your friends when despite your warnings they do things you know will end in disaster.
it happened to me. I knew he had emotional baggage from the past but so did I. we were opposites but in an odd way, we were very similar. he was one of those guys that I hated at first but later I got to know him better and soon fell madly in love with him, had heated arguements in the relationship and pushed each other's buttons quite often but the chemistry was still undeniable, so we continued the relationship because we had a connection and understanding of each other that made us stay together. it was an emotional rollercoaster and felt like we knocked each other down but later rebuilt each other again, then repeat the love/hate process multiple times. our relationship metaphor was like bowling
lol I didn't need my friends to stop me because I forsaw the likely outcome, but I still went ahead and let him emotionally tear me apart but I did the same to him, too. I think we were both masochists, not the physical kind, but we get a weird fix from emo-pain
it is irrational and insane to outsiders and it was at times, but collectively, it was exhilarating that I was figuratively playing with fire with someone, who is presumably incompatible for each other, and rebelling against the red light
I'm not with him anymore but I think he was the love of my life lol
I don't think there is much you're going to be able to do about that, and cutting all forms of communication with them just because they decide to date isn't going to stop them, I don't think. You've stated your opinion on the matter, and that's all you can really do. Sometimes, people have to find out the hard way by finding out for themselves. You've said your piece about the situation, and it shows that you care about them, and in the end you have to respect their decision. But do you really want to cut all ties with them over their own stupid decision?
It sounds like, to me, like you'd be cutting your nose off to spite your face. In the end, they'll date anyway and there will go your otherwise good friendship. The only thing that you can really do at this point is to support her. Supporting her doesn't necessarily mean you are supporting her decision, especially considering she knows your feelings on the matter, but that you are there for her when she needs someone to talk to.
I knew a girl..who dated a guy...hmm, it's usually always the way it starts, huh? Or the other way around. Anyway...yeah. He was a complete and utter jerk with a lack of manners, morals and hygiene. He was a realllll keeper. She eventually wised up to this...but long after she'd been hurt and everything. I let her know that I thought he was a jerk and that was a big mistake. It put a big dent in our friendship, which we are still kind of sort of recovering from. I say kind of sort of because...a part of it is also that we are too busy to see each other anymore sometimes.
There are several methods you could apply. You could tell them to get off the train. They'll usually get on it anyway. You can pretend you like the train and buy a ticket and go along for the ride(not in that sick way some of you out there are thinking, it's an analogy!) so you can be there to clean the mess up afterwards...or you can go find your own train and occupy yourself with it.
Personally, I think unicycles suck more than trains. Trains can derail, but you kick the wheel out from under a unicycle and it doesn't have another one to stand on.
I've come to realize that regardless of how much you try to steer your friends toward the right direction, they'll always do what they want. Why? Because it's their life, and we have no control over their decisions.
If they want to date, let them date. Heck, who knows - maybe they'll miraculously hit it off! If not, well... c'est la vie! And on to the next.
Haha.
Let them date. If its a mistake, let them make it. Besides, you don't "know" that it will, for a fact, be a disaster. You suspect it might be a disaster, but you can't know for sure. And if it is a disaster, be there for them.
Warning them was fine, but since you made your feelings clear, let it go.
you said trainwreck right? so yes of course i try. and they try to stop mine too. although it's really annoying during the actual process...i love them for it.
WTF? You can't control them. Or tell the future. You can say that you don't think they'd go well together, but it's their choice.
*tsk, tsk* Out of my area of expertise. But I think I would just leave well enough alone.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - so true! and i keep my mind open to their success. hope you're right and they live happily ever after!
just wanted to update everyone! thanks for the support- i knew deep down there was nothing to do, but hearing everyone state it makes me feel a lot better
they're doing ok- so far they've seen each other lots but have actually made a lot of progress on maintaining boundaries. we're proud of them they've asked me and the bf to double date. haha we may pass on that
PS i'm a therapist, haha and a couples counselor at that. makes it very difficult to mind my own business... thanks for the gentle urgings to leave well enough alone