Saturday, 16 October 2010

• Dear Kerry: A Comic Con Fail

  

  Dear Kerry,
  
  I've been dating my girlfriend (who is a real girly girl) for a few years and by now she knows me pretty well. Last weekend was Comic Con in New York City and she knew that not only did I really want to go, but I wanted her to dress up in character with me. I was going to be Nathan Drake from the Uncharted video game series, and I wanted her to be Lara Croft. I really thought it would be awesome, but she absolutely refused to go.

  I ended up not going to the Con anyway, but I was a little hurt that after all of these years of knowing each other, and knowing how much it meant to me, she still wouldn't dress up and go with me. What's the big deal with dressing in a costume at a place where everyone is in a costume? Why do girls hate this stuff? What could I have done to get her to go?
  
  Sincerely,
  
  Super Disappointed Dude

  ---

  Hi, Dude. Here we have a classic example of what happens when (at least on the level of interests) opposites attract. The girly girl and the comic book buff... a tale as old as... well, as comic books.

   

  To start off, I don't know that it's fair to say that all girls hate this stuff. Things like Comic Con, yes, are probably geared toward a group of people with certain interests. And yes, comic books, video games, and superhero movies (my extent of Con knowledge) are typically a man's wet dream, not a  woman's. However, I'm sure there are plenty of Datingish readers here of both forms of genitalia who would have loved to go to an event like this. I'm sorry to hear that, inconveniently, your girlfriend was not one of them.

  Could she have sucked it up for a day and gone with you? Sure. But to me, an issue like this one is less about getting an SO to do what we want them to do, and more about how willing we are to step outside of our own comfort zones.

  What you should look at is how often do you step outside of your comfort zone for her? Now, if you'll allow me (which you pretty much have to, since I'm the one writing this), I'm going to take some liberties in my interpretation of what a "girly girl" is. Do you complain when she wants to see a sappy romantic comedy? Do you cringe when she asks you to watch Gossip Girl? If she asked you to go to a Britney Spears concert with her, would you fake a stomach cramp halfway through?

  If you are spending a lot of couple time dabbling in her interests, and she's throwing hissy fits every time you ask her to watch The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray, you might have something to worry about here. If this is the case, it's becoming what I like to call "spotlight syndrome." She's willing to make you step into her spotlight, but she refuses to step into yours. That is a separate issue altogether of self-centered behavior, and should be confronted with a direct conversation as soon as possible before the relationship moves to a completely one-sided place. However, assuming from your letter that this is an isolated incident, I do have a suggestion.

  For me, I don't want to do anything with someone who doesn't want to be there. What fun would it be for you to have your girlfriend there in her Angelina Jolie booty shorts if she was checking her watch and whining the whole time out of her own discomfort? I'm sure you had a ton of guy friends that would have loved to take her ticket. That said, I do understand that, as someone in a long term relationship, you want to share the things you love with the person you love. However, when those interests aren't shared, sometimes you have to be willing to compromise, not win.

  In a situation like this, I find it's best to pick your battles. Maybe she would have been more open to the convention if you hadn't pressed the issue of going in costume. If she was feeling uncomfortable about going to an event like this, where she'd probably already feel like a fish out of water, this may have pushed her over the edge. I'm going to go ahead and assume that you are not a Twilight fan, so forgive me if you are. Imagine if she asked you to not only take her to see a Twilight movie, but to dress up as a vampire. Wouldn't that make it that much more unbearable for you?

  With the costume removed from the picture, she may have felt more like a guest there than someone pretending to be a passionate fan, and could have been able to see the event objectively. Who knows, maybe she would have seen that it was a ton of fun, and wanted to dress up next year!

  The give and take factor here is an important one. By taking baby steps, hopefully, you and your girl will be able to share your separate interests in a way that makes you both happy. Neither of you should have to give complete surrender of your comfort or hobbies, but sometimes, asking for just a little bit less can get you a whole lot more.

   

  Do you have dating or relationship questions, and want advice from someone who has done a lot of dating? Dear Kerry is for you! Email me at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com and your question could be featured on Datingish.
  

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