Wednesday, 13 October 2010

• "Dear Ana, It's Over": A Poem by a Person With Anorexia

  
  Hey guys, so I realize that this is a really sensitive subject. I realize that the anorexics of the world might get offended, or tell me that this isn't at all representative of how they feel. Please understand: I'm not trying to claim that I know everything about anorexia. I'm not trying to claim that this poem is the end-all be-all of advice for those who have friends with eating disorders. I'm simply hoping that maybe, just maybe, this poem will help people understand something as incredibly complex as anorexia. Furthermore, I'm even going so far as to hope that with this understanding, some will start regarding people with anorexia a little differently, and perhaps then, through true understanding, become truly helpful.
  
  I also understand that many of you may not understand how this pertains to dating. I'll have to answer that, as usual, with somewhat of a personal anecdote: for many years of my life, I had severe issues with self-image. I dated to make myself feel better. Dating was, to me, an addiction: if I didn't have a boyfriend, I was incomplete. Dating was synonymous with high self-esteem. That's why I like to write a lot of articles about improving self-image. I truly believe that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. So, I'm sharing this poem, my best friend's way of telling me about her own self-love.
  
  My best friend has struggled with anorexia, and she shared her innermost feelings on the subject with me through her most beautiful outlet: her poetry.
  
  Dear Ana, It’s over.
  
  3 jellybeans a day will cause you to gain one pound within a year.
  If you put ice in your water, you use calories to return the water to body temperature.
  
  I have always known I have an eating disorder,
  but for a long time I didn’t tell anyone because
  I didn’t want to get better, I just wanted to get skinnier.
  
  Now I want to get better
  And I want to help other people
  But this is not for the girls experiencing anorexia in the room.
  
  We’re not listening.
  We’re thinking about how many jellybeans we’ve eaten recently, and reminding ourselves to ask for extra ice in our diet soda.
  
  No, this is for the people trying to help them.
  If you want to help someone with an eating disorder
  If you want to help me:
  
  Give me attention - Anorexia is just a synonym for help. 
  So spend time with me, care about me more,
  but don't invite me to dinner, don't take me out for icecream, don't buy me chocolates 
  I know exactly how many calories there are in each bite.
  
  Don't take me shopping,
  pant sizes haunt me,
  don't invite me to the movies,
  I idolize the actresses,
  don't mention swimsuit season, don't watch me eat on thanksgiving
  and for God's sake do not tell me that weight doesn't matter and then say that you're worried because I've lost some.
  
  You say, “Beauty comes from inside,”
  So to me there is no difference between you telling me I should be bigger and Teen Vogue showing me I should be smaller.
  Only I can decide I like my body
  and right now I like my body better skinny,
  so stop trying to control me
  because you can’t.
  
  But invite me to finger paint with my eyes closed,
  let's go for a walk in the rain, let's sit and play scrabble together, let's plant a garden, lets build a fort, lets write a poem
  and if I admit, which I probably won't,
  but if I get honest enough to say that, "Nobody understands why I don’t like myself, and I feel so alone,"
  honestly tell me that I am, that you don’t understand what I’m feeling,
  because then I’ll know that you’re listening,
  and if you’re really listening to my loneliness,
  then I am not alone.
  
  I’ll see that life is really circular,
  “the circle of life.”
  It will remind me that I hate clichés
  and that this whole overachieving girl with anorexia thing is too easy. 
  
  Anyone with this much privilege can look like a super model
  I want to be a super hero.
  Anybody can hate themselves
  I want to love myself.
  
  You see my eating disorder never had anything to do with food.
  
  I always liked lunch, but I liked being skinny more
  Anorexia was just a rebound after I fell out of love with myself.
  I wanted to like myself and anorexia gave me results I could measure
  It gave me control, I fought anyone who tried to take that away from me
  It was up to me to realize that my source of control was controlling me,
  I was getting skinnier, but I wasn’t getting happier
  and if it kept going the way I thought I wanted, eventually I would die.
  I didn’t want to die!!
  
  I wasn’t ever even remotely close to death,
  but I am sick and I don’t want to be sick forever
  I want to like myself
  I don’t know exactly what that looks like,
  but I’ve decided to stop counting pounds
  and I started counting the number of days since I have weighed myself.
  
  I bought some clothes that fit,
  and I asked myself “Who are my role models?”
  They’re people who haven’t been photo-shopped,
  the people who have been spending time with me all along.
  
  People who listen to me without trying to “fix” me
  People who see me as more than just another girl with an eating disorder, but as a woman struggling to accept her body and accept herself
  People like you.
  

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