Wednesday, 13 October 2010
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Is There An Exception To Deal-breakers?
Accountability is hugely important to me. So, when I say, "I will do that." I gets done. When I say, "NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVERRR DO THAT." I don't do it. So, imagine my surprise when I find myself suddenly staying up nights weighing how much I like a boy against how much I want to maintain my own accountability. Everyone has their own deal-breakers. A big one for me is -- I cannot date someone who smokes marijuana on a regular basis. I have dated a guy who smoked rarely and it didn't bother me, but someone who is well-known for the fact that they smoke habitually is not for me. I dislike the habit (it's smelly and costly). I dislike the effects of the drug (it makes you boring and lazy). And I do not want to be associated with someone who has that reputation. I don't want people thinking, "Hey, that's the stoner's girlfriend, she obviously supports that behavior since she's dating him."
So, here's the problem: This boy is PERFECT in every other way. He and I have so much in common, great conversations, no awkwardness, amazing dates, lots of chemistry, and obviously tons of interest in each other. He has expressed that he'd like to be more than friends with me, but I just don't know if I can overlook something that I have so firmly stood against in the past. I fear it makes me weak to give in on something I am morally opposed to. Besides, if he likes me, shouldn't he make the changes necessary to date me?
Would you overlook your deal-breaker if someone was perfect in every other way? Would you be concerned with your accountability? Do you expect someone to change for you?
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About the Author
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- From: wonderchica22@xanga
- Name: Mikella
- About Me: A happy college student. :)
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Comments (62)
My thing is, there's a reason that's a deal breaker for you. Letting it slide in this situation isn't going to make you ignore the fact that he regularly smokes pot. It's still going to bother you, and I think eventually it would cause problems.
It depends on the deal breaker. For me, smoking weed is a deal breaker I will not go against. Depending on where you live, its illegal almost everywhere and you get caught with him while hes smoking you can get in some serious trouble.
Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with him smoking regularly. Would you date a guy that drinks regularly? Same thing really. That said though, until you can work that out I don't think you should date him. You'll probably just end up nagging him about his smoking incessantly and he'll retaliate, and then you'll retaliate, and it'll all end in tears so what's the point in that?
Ignoring his smoking habit will eat away at you. It will make you constantly worry. I know, I've been there, and I wouldn't be surprised if you acted in a similar way. My situation was a little different, though. I didn't know he did it until maybe 3 months into our relationship (I've been with him for 3 years). I was concerned with my accountability, because I have dated only straightedge people before him, but I did like him alot. Unfortunately, sometimes (more often than not) while he was high he would be verbally abusive and just do dumb things that would make me upset. I broke up with him, and he left several messages on my phone crying that he quit. He really did quit. I wouldn't go about it the same way I did, it was really dramatic. I hated feeling like I was changing him but he said he'd never let pot get in the way of having me as his girlfriend ever again.The only reason he did smoke was mild depression for his parents seperation, which didn't make anything better. I felt like he chose pot to help him instead of me. But from what I understand your man does it for fun? But like you said, he is perfect in any other way. Same here. I would suggest talking to him about it. If he doesn't become a complete asshole when he smokes I'd say that is a plus. Maybe he will change his ways just for you? Good luck. I hope my story helps somehow.
I don't think it's a big deal... I personally don't smoke, (cigarettes or weed), but I've been dating this guy for a year who smokes every day.. but he's quite normal when he smokes... actually, sometimes I tell him to go smoke because he'll be loopy (in a silly way that I don't mind sometimes). We have our differences and we both question why either of us like each other sometimes but we put aside our differences and give each other space.
I think, if you like someone, you'll get over the "deal breakers" and the "differences". For me, all I want is to be with him and that's what we're doing... despite the arguments, and minor details... BUT if it's a big deal for you, but he likes you, he should be able to lay off the weed or slowly do it less. However, you shouldn't push him or make him not do it or choose between the two of you...
If you and this guy are so compatible, did it occur to you that your reasons for making habitual marijuana use a deal breaker may be invalid? If he's interesting to you & you have tons of chemistry, I doubt you consider him boring & lazy.
As for the other drawbacks to his "habit," no one's going to argue about the smell, but as far as being costly? It's no more (and sometimes less) costly than regular to semi-regular drinking. (Unless he's regularly drinking, like, Natty Lite. Which would be a deal breaker in & of itself, lol...)
So you have to consider WHY that would be a deal breaker & whether or not the characteristics that you stereotypically attribute to regular pot smoking apply to your guy.
Someone can only change because THEY want too, not because you want them too. Personally, I don't think you should throw your own accountability by the wayside for a guy. Do you see this relationship going anywhere (long-term wise) with him? Have you talked to him about the issue you have? There are so many things to consider, but again, I wouldn't go for it.
Rage For Love
@thepsychoticraccoon@xanga - you hit it right on the head
That's a dealbreaker for me too.. you're not alone. I made it very clear before I dated my bf not to smoke weed ever again otherwise I'd break up with him/not date him to begin with. You're not alone:)
Okay, you should never expect someone to change who they are in order to date you. In the end, they will be there for themself, not you
And have you ever smoked marijuana? It definitely does not make you boring or lazy. Go out and do some field research, stop being a prude.
It's not like it's cocaine.
@DontLetThisGoToYourHead@xanga - I used to smoke it heavily and it actually DID make me lazy and boring... I know a lot of people who don't get lazy when they smoke it though. So it depends on the person I guess.
Stuff like that is a deal breaker for me now. I don't like to be with somebody who drinks regularly or smokes dope. Not because I have a problem with people who do so... just because it doesn't fit my lifestyle.
This is an issue that nobody else can decide for you... it doesn't matter if other people think it could work. If it's not gonna work for you, it's not gonna work for you.
You should talk to him about this, especially if you think he's worth it.
mmm...lots of comments telling you to not date him. well, im gonna play devils advocate and say date him. assuming you've never dated someone thats so into pot before, means you dont really know what it would be like. besides if he's perfect and this is his one fault, do you really want to give up this chance on finding the one, and then wonder for the rest of your life if he really was? not to mention how miserable you'll be for settling...
well, good luck! hope you make the right choice. ^0^ Vm
Somethings to consider. Does he spend all his money on his habit? Does he still go to work or school and maintain a healthy social life? Is he rude about his habit? Like would he smoke around people it bothers. If everything else, is good about him and he keeps in life in order; I'd say give it a shot.
I'm in the exact same situation as you. My boyfriend told me straight up before we started dating that he smokes sometimes. I've never dated or even been around someone who smokes before so I decided to give it a shot. He's perfect for me in every way except for that. But if that's his only flaw, it's a pretty small one. We've had a couple fights about it just because he was being stupid about it, like smoking instead of doing homework or studying for an exam. He promised me he would only do it on weekends, and we haven't fought about it since. He changed for me, and I changed for him. We've been together for 8months now and i am SO GLAD I didn't let pot turn me away from him.
My boyfriend rarely smokes and I'm alright with that. I'm against it too, but with how rare he smokes it, and with how rare he does have the opportunity to get some, I let it slide. Very glad I did because he is absolutely amazing in every other way possible.
@BingleBot@xanga - I used to smoke every day, a few times a day sometimes. My friends and I would go hiking, write music, play games, lots of stuff. We never got lazy (unless of course you smoke a whole lot, but that's not really lazy, that's just stoned haha). Yeah, it does depend on the person, but I know a whole lot of people who smoke a lot and they aren't lazy at all.
It just bothers me when people group people who smoke pot into the category of "stoner" when that's not how most of them actually are.
@Camouflaged_by_night@xanga - I agree.
@roxybabe1623@xanga - Good things to consider...
It's really up to you but really you have to talk to him. I honestly, say that smoking weed is a deal breaker for me. I just can't do it.
Hmm, well, I said I'd never date someone who smokes (cigarettes...or well, anything else), because my grandpa died of lung cancer, among other reasons. But, here I am, in a fairly new relationship with a guy who smokes. :P I still tell him to quit though.
I won't date someone, who broke the dealbreakers, because it would be selling myself out. there is someone else out there who will accept him for his habits but not me.
well, basically he should chose the marijuana, or you. i mean if you's were dating and he was happy with you and all was good and stuff like that then surely he wouldnt need to do it? and if that was me, i would definitely not be able to break that deal. im very against drugs.
I agree with another commenter who said that people only change when they feel they have to. This guy knows that you are aware of his habit and probably hopes that you accept him despite it. I don't think you should date him, then again, I used to smoke pot so who am I to judge? I used to do a lot of things that my boyfriend doesn't approve of, and he's with me now. I'm not the same person anymore though. I think that you shouldn't compromise on your dealbreakers. We all have personality traits that are pretty much set and will not change because we just can't change them (like, for example, being a serious person) but this guy you're talking about, his problem is a behavioral one. Behaviors can change. My boyfriend, he knows I hate smokers. He quit smoking regularly so he could have a better chance at being with me. I know that he still bums one every so often from his friends who smoke, because I can smell/taste it on him, but I know that he isn't buying them so even though I'm not ok with it, I know that this is something that he is still working on. Smoking pot was not habit-forming or addicting for me, and even though I still want to smoke it sometimes, if it's not around me, I'm not inclined to go acquire it. Talk to this guy and see where it takes you and how he feels about changing or modifying his behavior. Your talk with him will hopefully be a good indicator of whether he's receptive to changing his ways or not. Good luck.
I don't know if smoking weed would be a deal breaker for me. I've never dated anyone who smoked weed. My boyfriend does smoke cigarettes though which in any other case would be a deal breaker for me, but when we started talking I realized how much I really liked him and how smoking didn't affect his personality. Unless of course he went a few days without smoking, then, I tried to steer clear of him :) It is completely up to you though. You could always set some "ground rules". Make sure he knows that you don't like that he smokes weed all the time, but tell him that it is completely up to him and you won't try to make him stop (that's a big one. Don't start dating him knowing he smokes and then try to get him to stop), but that he has to be considerate of your boundaries with smoking weed and not smoke when he's around you or before he hangs out with you or not all the time at least. My boyfriend is not allowed to smoke cigarettes in front of me because I have really bad lungs. I don't know how harmful being around weed can be, but if you don't like it then he should be able to respect that. If it's something you can not get over then it's probably for a reason.
a girl asking me to change just for the chance to date her is a HUGE deal breaker, even to my boring and lazy stoner-ethic. so don't even worry about it, shit between you two isn't going anywhere.
If you override your dealbreaker, it's not a dealbreaker anymore; it just becomes a really strong preference.
If you can compromise and are willing to accept something you don't like, then it's worth a try. But I also think there's nothing wrong with passing up a guy for not meeting your standards...it's not like it's a matter of life or death. Personally, currently smoking is a dealbreaker for me. I've considered one guy who smoked and quit years before we met and now lives a much healthier lifestyle. He was wonderful in every other way, but it just didn't work out since I moved overseas.