Saturday, 09 October 2010
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Dropping the "D" Bomb... Would You Date a Divorcee?
Picture this.
You're in a bar with your girlfriends, and you meet a great guy. You talk for awhile, exchange numbers, and decide to meet for dinner. The date goes really well. So do the next 5 dates. He invites you back to his place.
You get there, and he is in the kitchen getting you a drink. His phone rings. Angrily he answers it, a side of him you've never seen before. He hangs up and quietly seats himself beside you.
You're not sure what to say, so you put on your best smile and say, "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, it's fine. I just hate when I hear from my ex-wife."
Pump the breaks... your who?
The story above happened to an acquaintance of mine. To me, I didn't see the problem. We're in our mid-twenties... everyone has an ex. The guy had a marriage that didn't work out, so what? It doesn't mean he's a psycho, sometimes things just don't work out.
Plus, she didn't know the whole story. Maybe the girl was abusive. Maybe she's the one who called it off. Right?
But she didn't see it that way.
Although she really likes this guy, and sees a future with him, she can't get past the idea that he has already done all the things she wants: to be engaged, to plan a traditional wedding, to live together and think about starting a family together.
It wasn't the idea that he might leave her, but the idea that it wouldn't mean as much to him the second time around.
Back in the day, if a girl lost her virginity before she got hitched, she was considered a "ruined woman." Although some religious groups would still stand by this analysis, our culture has more or less kissed that phrase good-bye. But when it comes to giving married life a second go round, does the idea still apply?
I'd never really thought about it until this issue entered my circle of friends, and I'd love to know what you guys think.
Is there something a little less romantic about always being known as the second wife? Would you have any reservations about dating a divorcee?
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (29)
Next datingish post: Would you date an amputee? How about someone with dandruff?
Really, I don't think we should be excluding a person from a list of potential dates based on a single aspect of their life. Unless they're a serial killer. Or a rapist.
I think it totally depends: length of marriage, how long they've been divorced and whether or not there're kids involved.
But if in the example you state, married that young and divorced that young I put some serious questions into play: how committed are you willing to be? How easily do you give up/in? Why did you get married in the first place?! I understand divorce but I don't feel its a way out of a marriage.
To me, death is the way out of marriage.
I probably wouldn't date one unless I was one myself.. so I can understand your friend.
@SeeBeeWrite@xanga - hey, that first one you mentioned I was going to do! now I have to think of something else! D:
@SlackerSociety@xanga - An amputee or a serial killer?
i think it's a valid concern. a friend of mine was recently married. her new husband had never been hitched, but had three kids running around. when she in turn became pregnant with her first and his fourth, he made comparisons constantly. 'you're ass got more fat than the blank's mom,' and 'you don't have that glow blank's mom had' and 'you carry just like my first baby mama did'. when they went to the hospital, he pointed out it was the same room one of his others had been born in. while she was in labor, and he was telling her to suck it up and stop complaining. he wasn't impressed or excited like she was, all because he'd had other women do it before. he never holds their baby or offers to help out. it's old news to him, whereas this is all new to her.
when two people are at different stages of their life, it can cause a lot of friction. a divorcee has been married. they've done all this before. it's not as sacred, and you will never share the innocence and bliss of a first wedding with them. second and subsequent marriages also have much higher divorce rates. the divorcee has learned to get out. sometimes for a real reason, such as abuse or severe problems. other times for something stupid, or just getting 'bored'. in general, someone who hasn't been married is going to try harder than the average divorcee to fix the problem instead of just quitting.
people on two different pages can lead to a lot of trouble.
it always just depends on the person.
I won't date someone who is divorced mainly because I only date people who I can see myself married with. And I cannot marry a divorced man.
i think you bring up a good point. my first thought was, who cares? but you are right, i can see how there would be a fear. would be want to go through a big production all over again? the little things do matter.
@b - I agree with everything you said. People in different life stages need to meet in the middle somehow.
As for being known as the second wife, who says? I think a guy with common sense would just say "this is my wife, Jane". Why tell your personal business. I wouldnt mind dating a divorcee but I do want to know about any excess baggage he has from his first marriage (not meaning that as children, I mean anything he owes to her that could potentially affect our lives. Then of course I would want to know if he has children).
My wife was a divorcée. I found out after the third date that she had two children (3 and 4) from him. I kinda freaked at first but after talking to her on the next date I asked her to tell me as to what happened. Here we are 19 years later.
@looking_inside_me@xanga - I find your response comforting. I'm filing for divorce on Tuesday. It's nice to know that someone won't necessarily judge me just because my marriage didn't work out the first time.
@chaoticjoyy@xanga -Sorry to hear about that, Best of Luck to you. Wife says it the second time around is the best.
I wouldn't be able to do it. I had a guy at work that really really liked me but the fact was that he had kids and I wasn't ready for something like that. I'm just at a different point in my life right now..and I don't need the baggage of children with me. And just hearing stories of my own friend's trouble with a guy that she liked who was a father and the mother was a drama queen, seriously. It's enough to send me into a tail spin. Luckily, my first time should be the deal
Though honestly, it depends on the person.
At my age, no, probably not. I would definitely not date anyone with a child, for sure. I'm not ready for that.
your friend went out on 5 dates or so with this guy but he failed to mention that big piece of information? when was he gonna tell her?? i would be kinda upset about it if he thought it wasn't important...i mean they went on 5 dates, i'm betting conversation was a big factor during those dates but marriage and divorce wasn't mentioned? i think it would've been better if your friend found out about it through the guy on his own rather than finding out by his ex calling his house.......
I don't think being divorced in itself would be a significant factor when I'm deciding to date a woman.
Kids are really a separate factor, for instance.
And there are many ways someone can end up divorced (or widowed) that aren't a problem.
You can also look at it that a woman still single may have baggage no one knows about yet.
So, like most things, it's best to just focus on getting to know the individual. And a divorce is one story about them.
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Im divorced and after reading this, I guess im lucky that I've never had anyone that I've dated since freak out over my being divorced... I dont wanna claim that i was perfect in my marriage, and i made my own mistakes, but the honest reason my marriage ended was because my ex-husband is a pathelogical/cumpulsive liar..... It was hard enough to start my life all over, but to be judged for it would have just pissed me off. Everyone has a past and I am a genuine believer that most people deserve a fair shot.
@just_have_fun@xanga - Is it a frakking crime to not want to talk about every little thing that's happened in my life?
Seriously. Shut it, you.
I would mind if the ex-wife constantly calls him with baby momma drama, then no thanks. it depends on the reason for divorce-if he cheated or abused her or other unstable behavior, no way. divorced or never married, I just want a honest and genuine guy.
not a chance. i dont believe in it at all.
i don't believe in divorce either but there are some circumstances that comes along and it happens. i guess it depends on where i'm at in life. as a single person now, i would have to say no. i don't want any attachments or anything from his past life to affect mines.
That's kinda douchey that he wouldn't tell her until then. I've dated a divorced guy before, and he was genuinely one of the sweetest guys I've dated. He was honest and upfront about being divorced, but I'm pretty sure if he tried to keep it personal, I wouldn't have appreciated it at ALL. To me, it's like not telling someone you have a kid or something. You just don't do that, you know?
And dating a divorcee is kinda nice too. I don't think it "doesn't mean as much" the second time around--it just means that they get another shot at being happy and living their lives. It doesn't mean they're damaged goods. They're just the same as anyone else. But that doesn't mean you should "hide" the fact that you were married.
@Revolutionary22@xanga - it's not a crime but i'm just saying it seems like something that should come up during 1 out of those 5 dates. i just don't understand how that fact/detail of his life doesn't come up when talking about other stuff. it seems like he tried to hide the fact that he was divorced until it spilled out in a way that wouldn't be too comfortable for the girl. being divorced isn't a problem and neither is dating one, but hiding it is a problem.