Tuesday, 05 October 2010
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Advice For Women In Abusive Relationships
So while doing my daily Xanga front page browse, I came across a post by WhenAManLoves about abusive relationships. It really got my wheels turning up there in my head, because this is something I think about often. I've been in an abusive relationship-- it was more mental than anything, but it was horrible.I just want to offer ANY female in this position, my advice, comfort, etc., so this is my story.
This guy was amazing in the beginning, he was perfect, everything I'd ever wanted in a man. I fell in love, or what I thought was love, really quick. The boy was my first SERIOUS relationship, first REAL LOVE.
In the beginning it was the best feeling, my family loved him, his family loved me, everything was absolutely PERFECT. Well, at the time I was still living with my parents he moved in with us. It was a mistake from the get go since we'd only been together for about 5 months and prior to him moving in was when things got bad.
I'm a forgiver/sucker, whatever you'd like to call it, and he cheated. Needless to say after this there was MAJOR trust issues, and he's also got very low self esteem. He started mentally abusing me, we'd argue constantly and all the time he'd call me a "psycho/crazy/dumb/annoying bitch" or yell at me for me crying because I'd get so upset that we'd argue because I LOVED him. He'd tell me to quit being a "little bitch", "are you seriously fucking crying," etc.
Things got physical a time or two. Four months later he moved out, which we thought would help help, but he moved BACK in to his cousins WHERE he cheated on me -- also, the house is nothing but a PARTY house. We started just completely falling apart, the foundation of our relationship were literally non-existent. Yet, I just kept telling myself "things will go back to normal" or "I'm staying because I miss the way it was." Keyword ladies: WAS.
My parents, friends, family and everyone around me would tell me how I needed to get out of that relationship and how toxic it was. It even took a toll on my health. I lost about 20-25 lbs in a month. Well, after 1 year, I got out, but not by my choice-- things started getting ugly with my family and some crap happened and he bailed. But after 7 months of being out of the relationship, and all of that feeling like I'd never get over him and the sky was falling, my heart was shattered, I'm seeing it from a different point of view. I don't regret it, it was something that helped me grow stronger and wiser.
I'm not saying there's no feelings for the guy or that I don't miss him or even that I'm over him, because I'd be lying to you. It's just easier, I'm genuinely happy for the first time in such a long time.
My pieces of advice:- Listen to your friends/family. Love really is blind, they can see the TRUTH, you may not want to believe it. But they really see what you can't .
- Don't live in the past. An excuse I hear all the time has to do with "the beginning," "how things used to be," etc. The past is the past, as hard as it is to except, it's not coming back.
- A man that physically hurts you needs to be let go of! I don't care what your excuse is, HE'S WORTHLESS. Hell, I could go on for days!
- But my last and best piece of advice to those post relationship: IT WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE, JUST LET HIM GO!
If you or someone you know has been/is a victim of domestic abuse please visit: Domesticviolence.org or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Anyone else been through it? If so, what is your advice?
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- From: MsRandomThoughts@xanga
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Comments (28)
I have not..I've been quite lucky and careful not to get into this sort of relationship.
This sounds JUST like my story. Terrific advice.
I've went through like this in high school. It was difficult for me to let him ago. We were on and off before senior year. He wouldn't leave me alone until I have the GUTS to let him go. And now I'm very very happy with my new and healthier life with a new guy.
Thank you for this. Specially for the "IT WILL GET BETTER, I PROMISE, JUST LET HIM GO!" As hard as it is... It only gets better after an abusive relationship is over.
I've went through like this in high school. It was difficult for me to let him ago. We were on and off before senior year. He wouldn't leave me alone until I have the GUTS to let him go. And now I'm very very happy with my new and healthier life with a new guy.
Sometimes, letting him go is NOT the safest option. A woman is 10 times more likely to be killed by her abusive partner in the 6 months (some statistics say 2 years) following her leaving than at any time during the relationship. If a woman fears for her life, she can't just walk away. However, it CAN be done. It won't be easy. Build a support system, secretly if you have to. Call hotlines, but be careful where you call from. Make sure the number won't show up on your phone bill. If you know it won't, then obviously a personal phone is your best option. Otherwise, call from a friend or family member's phone, or a public phone (one reason it's terrible that pay phones are so hard to find). Don't tip him off to your plan to leave if you can avoid it. MAKE A PLAN. You almost certainly can't just walk out. Where will you go? Shelters often have a wait list. The police might be able to help you get a restraining order, but where will you live? Develop a safety plan before you leave. There are websites and hotlines that can assist you.
I want to make it clear that I'm not saying a woman should stay in an abusive relationship. What I am saying though, is that there are steps that need to be taken before she can leave. As overwhelming as it seems, remember that others have done it, so you can too.
I'm crying a little....
I can't tell if my boyfriend is really the one, or if my friends are right, and he's really abusive.
I don't think that this is really "advice" but more of common sense shit that women hear all the time..
I've been there, and a lot of the time, you're scared, you feel helpless, and embarrassed. You don't want to tell anyone because you're afraid. Even more so of what they'll think rather than what will happen without him. Which is also a big stand point.
Most people have no idea what even goes on in an actual abusive relationship.
I don't think this post is really that helpful, tbh.
Thank you for posting this! I was in a relationship exactly like this. He had low self-esteem, was bi-polar, and his depression turned into anger which he constantly took out on me. I put up with it for quite some time, always being the calm one. And when he was so mean that I cried, he did get more mad. One day I yelled back and treated him the same way he treated me because I was sick of it. I felt so empowered-- for a short time because we broke up that day. We were still living together and I thought it would get better but a few days later he did the same thing even though we weren't together. This was only about a month ago and some days it's hard, and some it's easy. This really helped though, I need to remember that I will find someone who will treat me right.
OMG im going through almost the exact same thing :( i hope it gets better, and soon
@MeStripped3@xanga - i was with this guy for the longest time. we weren't even technically dating, we were just a causal thing and he'd dangle the possibility of seriously being with me in order to keep me around. i thought i loved him. i really loved the "was" part, like this post talks about.
i didn't know if he was the one or if my family and friends were right too. the thing is, i stayed with him anyway. i was like, i can trust myself. but i was wrong. he was abusive. sometimes i'll have moments and i'll look back and be like - i miss him. but i have to think hard about all the things that proved to me he was abusive - he had no respect for my emotions, he slept with my best friend behind my back and told me he was only sorry he got caught and then yelled at me for crying about it (what the fuck), manipulated me to go back to him anyway, but after i was crying on the phone i was like, i don't deserve this. there's healthy fighting and there's too much fighting.
i know this is a really long response. i'm sorry. what i'm trying to say is - step back. if it means take a day or a few to just reflect on yourself, and your happiness, go back to the time when you were single. when you imagined the guy of your dreams. see if he fits in that. my aunt used to always tell me to never be with a boy who made me cry, and to always be with a man who treated me like the princess i deserve to be. she said if he really loves you he will do anything to make sure you're happy and won't ever dream of hurting you. and when i got hurt really bad, i remembered this.
i know it's also hard to imagine someone you love being abusive. it's like a betrayal to think that (at least it was to me.) but sometimes we have to open our eyes a little more than we'd like to see the truth. if you ever need to talk i'm here.. again sorry this was so long in a response!
@MeStripped3@xanga - Trust your gut.. your heart can be easily fooled. If you have doubts, its best to follow up on it. The author of this post is absolutely correct in that your friends and family can see the truth in what you cannot... as they don't have their feelings invested. You want to 'believe', which is what clouds your judgement.
From experience I can say if there is a lack of these signs in your man on top of your gut feelings telling you something isn't right, you should move on. HONESTY RESPECT RELIABILITY RESPONSIBILITY and COMMUNICATION.. if he doesn't give you those things, he's a loser... trust me I know, I delt with one too.
I was also in a mentally abusive relationship (which eventually would have become physical) with my first serious bf--ex-fiance. Beginnings are always filled with love.. then when you end up living together getting comfortable is when the truth comes out. I was with him for four fucking years. Wasted my precious time on the motherfucker.. I can say that now, but back then it was hard to try and actually leave. I didn't know how. I eventually just made a break in the end, just flat out left... listened to my friends/family/gut although at the time I still "loved" him. He tried to use mind games with me of how he'd change, how I was loved and missed, how I wouldn't be able to find anyone better then him.. etc etc. anyway, the first few months starting new was stressful, as I had to adapt to a new life pretty much while he was harrassing me with phone calls and emails... but I made through it by being strong and not giving in. Luckily I also had family to help me out. I believe as long as there is motivation to better your situation, it'll work out. I realized what a fantastic decision I had made and looking back, I can't say I truly loved him, because although it took me awhile to see the big picture, I finally realized how much I resented him. I actually get turned off by anyone who remotely looks like him, acts like him, or talks like him. Anyway, I thank God, Budda, Spirit, any higher power, for giving me the courage to make the right decisions before it was too late.
i hope u really learned from ur experience and make sure it don't happen again.
@MeStripped3@xanga - oh, girl :(. if you can't tell, it's not a good sign. abusive relationships-- mentally or physically-- often involve really intense feelings. just because the highs are very high doesn't mean they balance out the bad things you do to each other.
my guess is that after this relationship ends, years from now you will feel so much happier and find it hard to believe this even happened to you.
i've watched my mom go thru an abusive relationship for 14 years and it has affected me to stay away from these men who are abusive. i don't tolerate it one bit. i would always tell my mom to leave but she would never leave until he cheated on her and took everything away from her, then she left.
OHMYGOSH I kinda had the same sort of thing. Not physically, but mentally.
My ex, when we fought, he was say I was such a snob and why can't I be nice, and I'm so mean to everybody and overly introverted and stuck up for no reason, and he would say crap about my family, to me, directly, serious crap. And then be like, "So you're gonna be mad now? Cuz I'm not gonna hang out with you if your gonna be mad" and stuff because he thought I should just sit there and take it when he said all these horrible things about me.
Your EXACTLY right: LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY OMG I didn't. We broke up like three times and each time I went back to him and my parents almost KILLED me. But now I see like they do. I mean enough is enough.
Love really is blind. Never trust yourself too much.
@Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga - I disagree. If hes THAT bad, you need to get out asap! If your afraid for your life, get the police involved. Have the protection of them, friends and family. There is no reason why a girl should wait to get out of an abusive relationship.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Read my comment again, and actually read it this time. See the part where she's more likely to be killed AFTER she leaves? If you don't believe me, look it up. I didn't make that statistic up. Sometimes, the police, family, and friends can't/won't help you.
@Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga - I did read it,quite throughly, and I don't know where you are getting your statistics from but I still disagree with you; I'm standing by what I said.
Excellent post. One thing that I can't let go of though..it's accept, not except:P But yes, thank you for this post. I have also been in an abusive relationship, mentally, physically, emotionally, the whole kaboodle, so I could really relate to a lot of what you said. Especially the crying and being called a bitch for it. Its like they have a handbook they study from, isn't it? xo
@lovezpassion@xanga - @xx0behindthesmile@xanga - It's just fucking hard. I've been with him for a year, and most of my friends haven't even met him. The few that have are some out of town friends who came to visit me and met him briefly. They think I need to get out of it. And as for family...they're 3000 miles away. My dad doesn't even know I'm with him. I told my mom about him maybe 6 months into the relationship, and I told my sister nearly a year after we started dating. It took me so long to tell them because he is 11 years older than I am. I knew my sister wouldn't approve, and I'm still scared of what my dad will think/say, I guess I Know inside that he'll have a bad feeling or not want me to be with him... I do feel like I "can't get out of it" but at the same time too, I don't WANT to get out of it. Part because I really don't have friends and I feel like I'll just be so fucking lonely if I leave him...also because even just thinking about not being with the one person I love and who loves me too, makes me cry. Thanks for both of you taking the time to try to help me, but I just don't think I'm going to get out of it. I honestly think it'll end one of two ways: he gets physically abusive and I leave him for good after he hits me, OR, we get married. I don't even know which option I'd prefer.
@MeStripped3@xanga - how is he mentally abusive? i know it's scary to be lonely.. i was afraid of that too. and i'm actually having problems where i've been isolating myself now that i'm at college. not dramatically, but more so than i would normally. but that's because i've found that now that i'm alone - not with him - i'm safe. there is no drama, no one calling me a dumb bitch. but i'm getting help for that now.
being alone is a scary thought but sometimes its safer. and you will never be completely alone. obviously your friends and family are extremely worried.
just see how it goes.. i don't want to tell you to leave him obviously. but just be careful.
@xx0behindthesmile@xanga - I don't even know if it would be considered "abuse" per se...he's somewhat controlling. He doesn't like it when I do things without him, he gets jealous when I talk to other people....now I have to mention, I cheated on him. More than once, and he knows about it all. So we have major trust issues, which is what I feel like causes all this "abuse." I don't think he'd be like this if I hadn't cheated on him. He treats me like a princess other than the whole controlling issue...compliments me all the time, makes me feel good...but then at other times, he makes me feel so terribly. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to do other things. And as I said, I don't have many friends, so it's not like I want to go out with friends every other night, it's just honestly like once a month probably, I'll want to go out to a bar with friends. He gets upset and feels like I don't want him there with me. He's so sweet and treats me so well like 90% of the time...but it's that 10% that's just awful. We don't really even fight that much. It's just really complicated, I don't know what I want.
I read somewhere that love is psychologically addictive, and that would explain why they stay even when things turn to complete shit. So they should take a page from addiction therapy when trying to break up: form a support group, keep busy, and when you're feeling lonely, do something else so that your brain stops connecting that feeling with calling up the guy you were with and instead connects it with something else.