Saturday, 02 October 2010
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"I Fight With You Because I Love You So Much."
So, I get on Facebook and I'm looking through my updates when I saw one of my friends had "liked" the quote "I fight with u... cuz i luv u so much.....:)"Am I the only one who finds relationships like this absolutely ridiculous?
My SO and I haven't fought for more than a day in the 7 months we've been dating, and this could be surprising considering we're still in high school. I hate arguing with someone I genuinely enjoy, and the thought of me making him angry breaks my heart. I've only every made him angry on two or three separate occasions, but those never led to arguments because I didn't want to argue with him. I knew what was wrong and I understand it was my fault. The only every fight we had was his mistake, and I've forgotten it now, but I know that I was right. He knows, too, and we're holding strong now.
However, I've witnessed couples who fight almost constantly over the stupidest little things.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and she became grumbly over her boyfriend trying to get her to cut her first period class to hang out in the lunch room. She said no the first time, but he was persistent. We walked to class and she told me how once she has her mind set on something, you can't change it. She says he has yet to understand this. I was shocked. They've been together for over a year (well, except for then they broke up for a amount of weeks).
Now, he might have just been trying to get her grumbly. The way she said it, though, made me think she was sincere in the fact that he didn't know that her mind wasn't easily changed. You'd think that fighting so much would get him to finally get that.
Fighting gets in the way of figuring out your SO. Fighting is also unnecessary when it's something simple like leaving the toilet seat up, or (in my friend's case) not buying her a bottle of Coke on a morning she's already grumbly. Or something like that.
It makes me so angry that people are so naive. Someone told me once (I think it was the same girl) that hardship makes the relationship stronger. It's true, but I don't think fighting with your boyfriend every other day/week makes the relationship stronger. Hardship only applies if it's something you can conquer together, not something you two are sniping at each other about.For example, my SO and I became really close really quickly. One day, he came over to help me bake brownies and my mom came into the kitchen spouting some prescription drug induced bull honky, and it hurt me and I finished my brownies in tears. He hugged me and kissed me, making sure I'm all right, and we left. While walking ot his house he just stopped on the sidewalk, put everything down and hugged me as hard as he could.
Fighting doesn't bring people close if the subject of argument is juvenile. Arguing over the little things doesn't make the relationship stronger.Agree or disagree?
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- From: CelestDiggory@xanga
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Comments (28)
wait till u are with the person for yrs u will see that u go through stages of argueing for no reason and u become stronger from it
Of course arguing over stupid small things and then stewing over it instead of making up doesn't make your relationship grow stronger. However, arguing and disagreeing on things that are important, and then finding a compromise and genuine understanding together definitely makes the relationship grow stronger. The key here is not the fight, but how it ends. You're lucky that you and you're boyfriend don't fight hardly at all. However, this means that either you both are really agreeable people, or you both have the same morality and interests, and way of relating and dealing with the world. A couple that fights a ton and yet manages to make up successfully and grow together is actually still a very healthy relationship. Its not always necessary to fight, but the last thing you want to do when something annoys you is to not talk about it. That definitely doesn't add to the strength of the relationship. Sometimes fighting is necessary. The key is how you two deal with the fight, and how you feel about each other when the fight is over.
I agree with most of what you say, except fighting doesn't get in the way of figuring out your SO. It actually helps, AS LONG AS the fight is handled properly. For instance expressing anger and such is good, or sadness or any feeling, but when it gets to stuff like "F**** YOU I F*ING HATE YOU!" THAT kind of fighting does NOT help. But I do agree that if you constantly fight over nothing, it's not for the best. It kind of indicates that you're not really a good match.
well.. i don't see why people put relationships on a different playing field than any other inter-personal relationships. if you're expected to fight with your best friends and family, why is someone that becomes your best friend and family any different?
@GagaMonster - I agree with you.
I have a friend like that. Always fighting with her boyfriends, breaking up and getting back together endlessly...
And then there's me. The serial long-term monogamist because I don't hold grudges and I've never fought with two of my three boyfriends for longer than a few hours.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for well over a two years & we are one of those couples you discribed that consistently bicker and fight, sometimes we do fight over nothing. However, I don't think that makes us have an "un-healthy" relationship, I dated a boy when I was in Highschool and we only fought on rare occasions. We dated for a year, and I still don't think either of us "got" each other, because we never confronted one another over an issue and then never worked out problems. I think fighting is a healthy thing to do in relationships, as long as it is done to try and figure each other out and the fight does have an ending. My boyfriend and I plan on getting engaged, and I have no problem fighting over nothing every day with him and plan on it for the next 50+ years because thats how we communicate with each other. Just because you view fighting as "bad", doesn't mean its always meant in a hurtful way, most of the time its just teasing or a form of foreplay for my boyfriend and I :)
One of my roommates was trying to explain to me that the reason she fights with her boyfriend is because if she didn't yell at him and pick fights, she would run away from the relationship due to not being able to deal with her feelings. I guess people "work" in different ways, and if they're happy I can't complain, but I do think it's very strange that people find arguing over silly things to be something positive or a coping mechanism.
Fighting at some point isn't avoidable, though. You need to be able to have a discussion and figure out solutions to the problems you face, and you need to be able to talk about how you feel. It does help you get to know your SO! I wouldn't be with mine if we weren't getting married eventually, and if you're going to marry someone, you need to know how you both deal with things.
I agree with your point about being able to conquer things; in that sense, yes, going through tough things together strengthens the relationship.
I think it's a bit different when you're older and you have serious things to argue about. I argue with my boyfriend a lot, but it's because I'm a full time student studying microbiology and I have a 3 year old daughter. That makes things complicated. On top of that I have a chronic illness that's incredibly painful. To say that I'm in pain and in a bad mood most of the time is a severe understatement. Trust me, we fight. Usually over serious things but we drag smaller issues into it too. Ex: "See? You can't even call me when you're going to be late and you expect to be the step father of my child. Pfft." (I believe I said that yesterday)
I don't see what high schoolers have to fight about, though. I mean, your lives are pretty much seperate. No bills, strict schedules to work around, kids from past relationships (usually), and that kind of stuff. Plus, if you get mad you can just go home, lol. When you live together and you get mad there's no where to go to get away from each other, lol.
I think that's why I fight more with my boyfriend now than I used to. Now we're together all the time and if I'm in a really bad mood and don't feel like seeing anyone I can't just call him and say, "Hey how about you don't come home tonight so I can get some alone time? 'Kay thanks!" lol.
wow thanks for everyones comments i really did learn something. it was something that i tho and now i found my answers thanks!!!. is the ending that counts and yet makes the couples stronger because they get to know what the SO.
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. We rarely ever fight, but I think that's because we both just aren't really the fighting type of people. We are highly rational. He is the kind of guy who would take a punch and then just press assault charges if he were ever in a physical fight. We have disagreements, but we talk about them without getting nasty or raising voices.
I think whether you fight or not in a relationship, the most important thing is to be honest with each other. I think it's a lot better to be voicing your opinion while screaming than to never speak your mind. Relationships only work if you approach the issues and both try to fix them. I don't think fights are critical to a healthy relationship, but I don't think getting into a fight necessarily makes a relationship unhealthy. I think there is a lot of passion in a fight.
I think people need to look seriously at why they're arguing with their SO- What they're fighting about probably isn't the only reason, and it's bad both for the relationship and the individual to pretend that it is. :)
For example, a friend of mine winds her boyfriend up when they argue to test how much he loves her. IMO, that might make her feel stronger in the relationship, but will build up resentment on his side.
I think you can learn about eachother through arguing, but for the most part going through external hardships as a team is what will make your relationship stronger. And once that happens, you can find nicer ways of knowing eachother. :)
@GagaMonster - That's how one of the arguments between me and my SO started; because I didn't want to talk about it. But from what I've observed with this other couple is that they don't successfully end arguments. They usually stop talking about it and hold it against each other later. I think I pointed that out, but you worded it better. Hardship includes argument and to conquer it together is to compromise and work it out.
Thanks. :)
@BingleBot@xanga - The fights I observe from the couple I used as an example are not handled properly :/
Thanks :D
@kunoichi_no_tori@xanga - And that makes you awesome.
@azure_beauty@xanga - Not everyone can end up stronger from it like you guys. The couple I used as an example don't handle their arguments in healthy ways. I think it's kind of bad to be comparing couples who are passed this high school maturity level, because it seems like you two would probably deal with it better than two idiot high schoolers. Right?
But when the arguments are handled appropriately, there's some light at the end of the tunnel :)
@CelestDiggory@xanga - Well in that case I would have to agree. =)
No problem. Glad you found your answers.
I graduated high school in 2009 and my fiance and I have our fights. Yes, over stupid little things mostly, and we've both ended up in tears, but there's something that keeps pulling us together. Nearly cried when I read about your guy hugging you tightly and I'd have broken down if my guy had done something like that. He has before. If you can keep from having nothing fights, you're one of the lucky ones. Even people in love fight though. The thing is, fights, even nothing ones, can come from more than just something like the toilet seat being left up.
sometimes fighting is a way of compromise, and stress relief. you never know!
@CelestDiggory@xanga - I agree, highschool relationships and out of high school relationships are totally different. Thats why I pointed out my prior relationships and my current one. I agree with how she described the highschool relationship, making generalities I think high school relationships in general are immature but they do help you find yourself. I was just stating that she shouldn't think that with all relationships, that some are just built like that but its true not all are.
@GagaMonster - I agree.
arguing is natural but constant fighting is not healthy. in any relationship.
Generally speaking, outside of highschool, the longer you're with someone the potential to start "arguing" about the little things arises. I think it's common in many relationships once it's reached a certain bench mark. You look at long term goals and are consumed by little things you want changed to meet these goals later on.
I agree the little things are stupid to argue about and extremely tiring and puts pressure on the relationship. But sometimes, it really is mandetory in order to address and move past certain aspects of the relationship. I'm currently trying to move out of the "arguing phase" with my boyfriend.
It can be damaging to a relationship, just as it can bring understanding, if you have the desire and will to stick around for it.
the fighting will start, I can promise you that. And highschool relationships are a lot different than college or adult relationships...
I think couples who don't fight (as in...bicker) aren't healthy (because there is not way that you can get along with someone 100% of the time) but couples that fight too much are also unhealthy.
Me and my boyfriend got over a hill of fighting in the early stages, and now that we've been together for 1.5 years, we barely ever fight. sometimes we do, but since I cannot stay mad at him, and him cannot stay mad at me, we make up. If you never fight, it's ok, but there's gotta be something bugging you that you can talk to him about. At the same time, its not a healthy relationship if they fight all the time, and break up for a few days, and get back together.