Lately I’ve been having a lot of trouble with “labeling.” Apparently, there’s a trend amongst college males that involves a staunch refusal to commit.
Yesterday, one of these fine male specimens relayed the following delightful sentence to me: “Well, I mean, we can date, but let’s not be… together, you know what I mean?”
No. I don’t. That’s like saying, “I want you to eat this bowl of Count Chocula, but do it gradually so you don’t get too attached. Then don’t even bother to drink the sweet, sweet chocolate-y milk that remains.”
Clearly, I shouldn’t be writing this article over breakfast...
Anyway, I love language, and fully believe in the power of words, so I get it if someone is uncomfortable calling me his girlfriend. I’m not comfortable, however, with the fact that there is no acceptable (that is, not incredibly offensive or cumbersome) alternate name for “girl who isn’t my girlfriend but not my friend either and yeah we totally do it sometimes.”
I’ve heard quite a few attempts at labeling that sort of thing:
The ever-so-elegant, “fuck buddies.”
The ever-so-awkward, “girl I go out with.”
And, my personal favorite:
“Comfy fun time friend.”Truly, there’s no acceptable way to refer to your… comfy fun time friend.
Let’s say though, that for simplicity’s sake, that there was a way. Let’s say that this person could be accurately referred to as your “panda.”
Now, it would be awesome if everyone had a panda. Ideally, having a panda is the best possible situation. Ideally, people who are each other’s pandas just have a lot of sex, are wonderfully kind to one another, don’t fight, and eventually part amicably.
Unfortunately, in my experience,
that never works.Inevitably, one person always gets too attached. Then, someone gets hurt.
That’s right: no matter what, in any romantic endeavor, someone is going to get hurt, at least temporarily, and at least just a little bit.
So why are some people so afraid of labeling? No matter what you call it, it still ends up being a commitment. It still ends up being serious. It’s never just “casual” when someone else’s feelings are involved.
If it looks like a girlfriend, walks like a girlfriend, and has sex with you like a girlfriend, it’s your girlfriend. Not your panda.
This is such a broad topic that I can’t even get out all of the things I want to say about it… so help me out guys, what have I missed? Rant away, or if you’d like, explain why you hate labels.
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Comments (65)
Yeah if I'm with someone I want and desire, shes my girlfriend.I don't care who else knows or hates.
I like labels, actually! It shows that he wants me! I'm HIS wife. He is MY husband. I want him, I got him, he's mine...all mine!!! And vice versa for him. I embrace my label, not fight it.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - Yes, but marriage is a formal institution requiring obvious labels, wherein labels in this situation aren't mandatory. Congrats on your marriage!
Why would you buy your own count chocula when you can just eat someone elses for free? Why would you get a girlfriend when there are tons of chicks who will fuck you with no obligations?
Calling someone your girlfriend or boyfriend when you don't think of them as anything more than a fuck buddy is worse, in my experience. There is no sense getting someone's hopes up when you know you don't want to be with them long term.
Probably means there is no future to this not-relationship relationship.
@SharonJo@xanga - You don't have to have a 'legal' marriage to be married. My husband and I were married long before our actual legal 'wedding'. I use that term lightly as we didn't really have a wedding...we eloped. lol That's why there the label 'common-law marriage' or 'common-law husband and wife'. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are an example; so are Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.
AGREE. Almost all of the time someone ends up getting hurt
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - I suppose so, but I guess my point was that
marriage is ALL about mutual ownership and commitment, whereas the
relationship described in this post has a pretty blatant absence of
either, however mutual or non-mutual it may be.
i have a panda:)) and sometimes its hard, but quite honestly its the best situation possible in that realm.. we have all the panda qualities!! x
amg panda makes it sound so cute!
i guess this guy and i are pandas right now. things are indeed starting to get a little complicated and "gray area" for me. that's the sign that i need to talk to him about this panda thing and figure out where we stand.
casual dating is easy. exclusive dating but not yet boyfriend/girlfriend is where things get fuzzy. just got to lay it all out on the table and say, "look here" and explain it i guess. kind of new to the dating thing myself lol.
i think it is about commitment and i understand the problem some people have with it. i used to be the same way. it can be scary. personally, i like "belonging" to someone though.
I guess i'm old fashiond. I'm either your girlfriend, a friend with NO benefits or i'm not your friend at all.
I have a panda. It was after my longest relationship, 15 months. I had only had sex with one person, and never been on a real date, and I wanted to do some experimenting. So I got 2 pandas and somehow Panda #2 knew about #1 but #1 didn't know about #2. When Panda #1 found out he acted like I cheated on him or something.
Point is: There was no commitment with either, but was it still acceptable for Panda #1 to act like I cheated on him? Furthermore... apparently he had no other pandas, so that could make him believe that our "relationship" was more serious that it is... it confused the hell outta me. This is a interesting post, love it! It might interest you to read one of my recent posts, "Fuck That' on sept 5. kinda relevant to your post.Love!
@not_izzy@xanga - good point. as long as the fuck buddy knows it's only fucking.
panda lol
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Comment WIN!! I hate when both genders do that. Why string this personal along like that. It's terrible. To me if you cant say this person is your girl/boyfriend, then you arent ready for commitment because A LOT comes with that label for both people.
i avoid relationships as much as possible, because it's much easier to Stop Dating than it is the Break Up
I'm a girlfriend, not a panda..=_____= ; you either want to date me or not. Simple as that.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - I know right?! These people who settle for anything less are nuts! Stupid, horny people
@Hinase@xanga - Agreed.
I know why people do this and it makes a lot of sense. They don't want to be seen as in a relationship when the better deal comes around.
My ex tried to pull the whole "If you love someone why do you have to put a label on it?" bullshit with me after he broke up with me, but we still had sex for 6 months after. When I started dating my current boyfriend he was apparently "heartbroken" "devastated" "miserable" and "didnt know what he had till it was gone". Yeah, what about the label now bitch? If you love someone, you should RESPECT them enough and be GRATEFUL enough that they even want to talk to your retarded ass, much less try to work things out when everyone clearly thinks it never will.
In other words, it means getting all the benefits of a relationship without doing the work.
People who do that are assholes. People who tolerate that are idiots.
I had a "Panda" who didn't want to commit to me, but only wanted to be FWB. When I walked away, he told his family and friends that I was his ex-girlfriend. Weirdo.
I love this article!
@Nominatim@xanga - I agree. Not only that, but they don't want to put themselves in a relationship where they are "committed" to someone. They still want to have their freedom as a "single" person and keep their options open.
"So why are some people so afraid of labeling? No matter what you call it, it still ends up being a commitment. "
I disagree. Imo, both people can only be "committed" in a relationship if it is mutually agreed upon. There's a huge difference between just "dating" someone and being "in" an "exclusive" relationship with someone.
@not_izzy@xanga - Double ditto!
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Same here!
I was in this sort of "relationship". WE would hang out all the time, go out to concerts, snuggle on the couch watching movies, cook together, have sex -- the works. BUT, he was the same way. No label. Four month into our "hanging out" and amazing sex, I find out that he started sleeping with two other girls. I was terribly upset. Of course, he said I had no right to be angry because "we weren't dating!" LOSER!