Wednesday, 29 September 2010
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The Dating Cave: Why I Choose To Live In It
I'm about to turn twenty years old.
Usually, a twenty year old woman with a steady job, a small but supporting group of friends, and a relatively functional family life is expected to also balance a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. However, I've been single for almost three years. Now I know what you're thinking-- this is going to be yet another self-indulgent "Why can't I find a man?" rant from a single girl, but this most certainly is not.
I purposefully have avoided dating since I turned seventeen. I've turned down a number of date offers, declined to give out my phone number, and neglected to read emails from interested guy-friends and male co-workers. People ask me why I do this all the time, and when they aren't asking, they're just assuming that I'm a frigid bitch with no capacity for human relationships. But honestly, I have valid personal reasons as to why I live in the 'dating cave' 24/7.
1. I missed the learning years
I met "Josh" when I was fourteen. Our parents and friends encouraged (more like forced) our relationship, otherwise, we probably would have never given each other second thought. We were friends, but the actual romantic aspect always seemed to be missing. It was kind of like when you're little, and you play house or pretend that your Barbie dream kitchen is a working, five-star restaurant. We were 'dating', but looking back on it now, none of it ever felt right.
As we got older, when I turned seventeen and he turned eighteen, we had our first and only sexual encounter. The emotional debris of the experience really opened both of our eyes and we realized that our "relationship" wasn't healthy for either of us. It was a relationship that was convenient and expected of us, and we had both become too complacent to pursue actual connections with other people.
Josh and I are friends. Close friends, in fact, now that we've moved past our teenage indiscretions.
But I can't help but feel cheated. High school, in my opinion, is where you "learn" to date. You go out on first dates, you discover the heartache of breakups, you experience jealousy, you work up the nerves to talk to your crush.
I never experienced any of those things. One boyfriend, one breakup. Even though we're friends now, I have absolutely no feelings about our past whatsoever. No anger, sadness, remorse, or love. Nothing.
Here I am, nearly three years later, and I can't bring myself to start in the "middle" of the dating time line when I should have started at the beginning. The rules have changed. I don't have the security blanket of being a teenager anymore.
Hell, I'll admit it: I'm scared to be an adult in the dating world.
2. Work, unfortunately, comes first
I work full time. It's not a glamourus job, but it pays the bills and leaves me with enough money to support my handbag addiction. (I'm a waitress at an upscale hotel restaurant, not a stripper, for your information.) As much as I'd like to gripe about not having ambitions or dreams, I secretly desire a house of my own. It should have a swing on the front porch, and a bed of yellow roses in the backyard. So if I want to move from my studio apartment into said house, I'm going to need to save.
Working all the time introduces me to plenty of people, and dating a co-worker seems to be the obvious solution to the "I work too much to date" problem. I'm the kind of person that likes to keep my work separate from my personal life. I don't talk about work when I go home, I don't think about it when I'm soaking in the tub after a long day. After pulling a double-shift, I smell like kitchen grease, my feet hurt, my back aches, and the last thing I want to do is go out with someone that I've worked with for the last fourteen hours.
To my credit, I did try one date with a co-worker when I was eighteen. He took me to dinner...at the restaurant where we work. He was quite surprised when I declined his offer to go out again.
3. I can't date strangers, but I can't date friends eitherIt's weird for me to give a stranger my number, or interact flirtatiously with someone I don't know. I'm not the "strike up a random conversation, what could it hurt?" type of person. It takes me a little while to warm up to someone, and soon after that, I consider them a friend.
However, once I'm friends with someone of the opposite sex, I lose all attraction to them. In the back of my mind, there always lurks the fear that if things go bad, I might lose a friendship that is important to me.
Needless to say, timing a potential date around the period between being strangers and being friends is inconveniently tricky.
4. I know who I am when I'm single
Since "Josh," I've casually dated a few different guys, none of which ever became serious enough to be boyfriend material. I've noticed that when I'm out with someone, I'm reluctant to share my interests or opinions. I've always been a little bit on the odd side, and that insecurity comes out when I'm in the company of a potential man. I tend to give generic answers, or just be a generic date overall.
When I'm single, I feel confident in who I am. I have strange habits and quirks. I have the ability to say:
"Hello, my name is ____. I enjoy science fiction movie marathons, the smell of gasoline on a summer morning, and for the next hour, I'm going to explain to you why Black Flag is the greatest band of all time."
Yes, I know. I have a lot of hangups. But you must understand, I'm not complaining.
I enjoy being single, and in the meantime, I'll work a little bit at a time to find my way out of the dating cave. I know, even if for different reasons, there are others out there that are living in their own personal dating cave, hole, crawlspace - whatever you want to call the barrier between being single and actively dating.Doe anyone else choose not to date? What are your reasons?
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About the Author
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- From: loseanhour@xanga
- Name: loseanhour
- About Me: I'm a female that listens to punk rock and reads Chuck Palahniuk.
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Comments (26)
I know this is a minority opinion, but I honestly don't even really see the point in serious relationships in high school and college. I'm graduating college in the spring, and I've only had one serious boyfriend, last year. I think it's really better to just focus on yourself during such important years, and if someone comes along, then it's just a plus. But it shouldn't need a ton of work and focus. I'm choosing not to date right now, but only because I'm at a school in Switzerland for the semester that has a total of 400-some students. And of course, about 350 of them are girls on the hunt for boyfriends. Apparently there was a crabs epidemic going around a couple of weeks ago. Not worth it! :) But I do think your #1 reason not to date is a little silly. You didn't miss the learning years. Plenty of people don't experience dating until later. (Points at self.)
What you described in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd reason is completely relevant to me.
I'm 19 and the only titled 'boyfriend' I had was in 8th grade. I dated flippantly in 9th grade and then shut down to all possible relationships thereafter. I'm 19 and it is sort of intimidating to "get back" into this whole thing when it should feel like a transition, not another initiative. I feel more insecure than I was a teenager and I also think it shouldn't be that way. =[ And I'm such a moron when it comes to social situations, hah.
Some people don't wanna date like some people don't want children. It's fine. It's your decision. Fortunately, I want to date =) And I am..
Sounds like you had a sudden epiphany due to your age and an outburst of regret about dating since you probably see all your friends with guys.
Really the best advice is to just "take the plunge". When you go on a date with a guy, it's not like you're getting married or something.
You list all these reasons on why you're single but let's be honest:
It's good to be single but it's even better to be loved.
@mirrorslie@xanga - The reason for dating in high school and college is for learning experience. Let's be realistic in knowing that you usually have to go through many relationships before finding "the one"; life can be really short.
Imagine being a 35+ year old woman desperate in finding a decent guy (at that age, we know the dating pool as shrunken quite a bit) as to find a father for her children while the last of her eggs are bleeding away.
i am in a dating cave, i'm 21, and pretty much all my reasons are the same as yours.
@xXDC_luyouXx - that was a little harsh....35 isn't the end of the road for every woman. And it's possible to live the rest of one's life single or adopt a child. Also, for me in particular, I don't finish training to become a physician until I am in my early 30s. Does that mean I have to find someone soon? No. My career is extremely important, not to mention unstable for a serious relationship. A guy who finds me right now will have to move around three times to accomodate my career and that's a little much to ask from a guy I happen to date, no matter how much he may love me.
@vicdaily@xanga - I think you rather read my previous reply out of context; it was in reply to a "why date seriously in highschool/college" statement.
The point is dating while you're young to further get to the point to where you find "the one" and not just date so late in life so that you're trying to make a relationship work when you have other burdens like wanting children; get dating experience while you're young.
@xXDC_luyouXx - I know of plenty of people who didn't start dating until later and are now happily married with children? It is possible to mature as a person and then find someone who fits that maturity, rather than going through a series of bad relationships. Everyone is different, and in my opinion, I just don't see the point, ESPECIALLY in high school and freshman year of college.
1. I don't date either. I'm about to turn 17 and I'm graduating from high school this year. I've never been on a date, either, had a relationship or a partner or a hookup or even a kiss. Ever. I've been asked out, but I always say no. Always. I just find it uninteresting. I like being single -- I'm not obligated to anyone but myself, and that makes me feel really powerful.
2. I think it's cool that you're doing your own thing. Go you!
3. I think this post was brilliantly worded. YOU are brilliant. This was really nice to read. Thank you. :)
im 24 and just ended a three year relationship with matt. he was my first. we never really dated because we were friends to begin with anyway. so that line is kind of blurred. but now that im single there is no other choice but to date. and although i have no idea how to do this (i never dated during my teen years either - my education was a priority), im looking forward to it anyway. you'll find you're not the only adult in the dating world.
im looking forward to meeting new people and becoming a part of new social circles and exploring my social networks. im looking forward to learning about his/their interests, opinions, habits and quirks, and also learning more about mine or discovering new ones when im with them. im looking forward to the excitements and disappointments of dating. im looking forward to finding the one.
but if all this dating leads me back to matt, then im looking forward to that too.
i respect your reasons to choose not to date, but give yourself a chance when you do choose to. dont become generic, because you sound pretty awesome. good luck with it all.
If you are truly happy being single then maybe you are are just lucky enough to be one of those people who can be single. Being single has it's definite upsides and it can be a lot less stressful. Consider yourself lucky if you are the kind who doesn't wish to participate in relationships. Many people are emotionally dependent on having another person in their life to be happy.
@mirrorslie@xanga - I'd have to say they could be the outliers.
Imagine dating late in life where you meet a guy where he tells you that he hasn't ever had a serious girlfriend or a girlfriend at all. This would mean you'd be his FIRST girlfriend.
Would you honestly be comfortable with THAT? Let alone be comfortable with him while dating later in life where you might have goals like children?
This is why I have the opinion that while there are an abundant of negative experiences while dating young, immature and naive, you DO learn from them.
@xXDC_luyouXx - Okay fine, you win on that point. I'd probably assume there was something wrong with him if no one had been interested for THAT long. But I don't think it's weird for someone my age (20) to not have dated anyone seriously yet. There are bigger priorities right now.
I dated all throughout high school. I had a boyfriend from the first day of high school to the last day of high school. They were all different and many were two weeks. I had a lot of experiences, both good and bad. A lot of mistakes and regrets, but I look back and they all make me laugh and smile, minus a few that actually still hurt if I think too much about them. I never stopped dating. Maybe for a few months, but never for an extended period of time. I was boy crazy during high school. My first year of college I toned down quite a bit because I had my first serious boyfriend during the end of my first semester of senior year up till the end of senior year. When we broke up, I was heartbroken and could hardly date. I never dated anyone seriously after him, but I still went on dates. Him and I ended up reconnecting - ten guys and five months later - and we realized we still had mutual feelings so we started dating again. I think if him and I were to ever break up again I would stop dating then for a few months or years. Who knows.
@xXDC_luyouXx - Yeah, kinda sucks when that was in the past and didn't happen. I dated one dude ever, and as I'm approaching 20 myself, I don't see that changing. I don't even know where to start. Dating is just an enigma to some people, you know?
It's not nearly as easy for everyone.
Your past & mine are like the opposite(though similar result). I had 15 girlfriends from 4th grade all the way to 12th(3 of which i would consider long-term/serious relationships). 1st dates, 1st make outs, break ups(both me initiating and me being dumped) heart aches, taking people back, begging to BE taken back, being cheated on, having been the cheater. Being used for physical things, being used to make other dudes jealous...(not a bad "love"life for a total fucking geek, right?... still am one. even more so in my 20s)
Then when I got into college I was drained. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anything remotely similar to a relationship. I felt I wasted my "childhood" racing to become an adult. SO I made TONS of female friends, only slept with one person the entire 4 years, only made out with 4 (2 of which being exes from back home on summer/winter holiday breaks so they dont count). And NOW im in a place, after college is long gone, that I dont want to be bothered AT ALL with a relationship. I tricked myself into believing I wanted one with an older woman two years ago.. but i knew she was moving across the country in 4 months so I, again, tricked myself into faking-playing house for 4 months when I knew it'd be over when she left.
Plus i LOVE being selfish with my time... thats the biggest reason. Im an "artist" and i like working 20 hours on something if I want to without takign a break. Hard to have that level of dedication to your craft when you have to coddle someone else and be a pillar helping hold up their life stroking thier ego and such.
Maybe ive just turned into a curmudgeon over the years.... regardless, Im purposely in the cave now in learning that there is more to life, more to learn from solo experiences without the constant need to be PAIRED UP with someone than I couldve ever imagined.single life is amazing and I dont see myself hopping into another REAL relationship until Im in my 30s. No joke. My parents are even hinting at grandkids now... pressure from them AND my friends having kids/getting hitched. Shit freaks me out. Not the act of those tow things, but the social peer pressure to do what everyone else is doing mob/hive mind mentality.
SO YEAH... I dont date, I dont ask women out, and i often ignore when im obviously being flirted with... hahaha, its kind of fun actually. When I need physical contact, I seek it out. Im no man-whore by any stretch of my own imagination, but no one has called me their "boyfriend" in a good decade & im perfectly fine with that. rant rant rant
im 17. in my first relationship with my boyfriend. and both of us are committed to each other.
it's fine to not date. but things change, mind changes. no one knows what will happen in a few years or the next day! don't think too much and enjoy yourself to be who you are! :)
1 resonates so well with me! I never dated in high school, until my senior year and I've been with this guy all through college and then some. Recently, the relationship ended and I'm still going through some rough patches with that. I don't think I'll try dating any time soon (if at all) because I'm in denial and I have no "dating experience."
I think you're a bit off about number one, but other than that, great reasons for not dating. There's no rule that says you HAVE to date!
Regarding the age thing though, I know a lot of people including myself who didn't date a lot if at all in high school or even college, who waited until they were 18, 19, or even 20s to start dating. It's not like you're the 40 year old virgin here, you just didn't date as a kid and that's okay. High school relationships are vastly different from adult relationships, so you didn't miss out on much lol.
you won't really start living until you do knew things that sometimes scare you.
yes, you have some things to learn, but you also have the advantage of going into those learning-experiences with WAY more maturity and life-experience than you would've as a teenager, and as a result you will learn things more quickly, less messily, and more thoroughly than you could've back then anyways.
the friend things just means that, again, you will have to meet some strangers and turn them into acquantinces, and from there to shallow friendships, and then maybe you will find some that are worth dating without risking the 'friendship' status of those you already have deep connections with.
life is waiting for you! don't let fear hold you back. your life is yours to live and to take. the past can't be changed.
as for knowing who you are when single, that actually gives you a leg up in dating. I hardly dated in highschool as well, and my first serious dating relationship was as a 19-20 year old. yes, the learning curve was slightly off but it wasn't a huge deal in the end. it's totally doable. don't stress so much! just jump in with both feet and start having exciting adventures you've never had before!!!
I'm about to turn 20 as well and I'm choosing not to date at this point too. I dated randomly throughout high school and had some good relationships, but more really shitty relationships...hey, it was high school! I realized recently that none of those guys were THAT important to me and all it did was distract me from getting to know, well..me. So while I learned about guys and dating and flirting and all that, I never knew myself well enough to have any kind of meaningful, lasting relationship with a guy.
So basically...I'm trying to get to where you are. You're happy being single, you know who you are and you are content with yourself and your life without a man (a rarity this day in age), you are independent and work hard for what you have. When the time is right and a man comes into your life you'll be in a great place to build a relationship.I just read my life... pretty much exactly. From the meeting someone at 14 til 17. Missing the learning years. Being happy and confident single. Generic date.. But, I'm still 17 so i'm not quite as far along. Good to know what the next three years will hold. =P
i'm in a dating cave right now as well and it's for several reasons. first of all, i was in a serious relationship for 6 years, engagement and everything, and he cheated on me so i have massive trust issues. after that relationship i immediately entered into a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship which completely screwed me up for other guys. on top of those two experiences, i am currently in the process of recovering from a very long-lived eating disorder. that is the number one priority in my life and until i feel like i am more comfortable around food and am confident that i won't use food as a coping mechanism, i absolutely cannot date. the idea of eating in front of someone else completely terrifies me, as does the idea of a guy that i like finding out about my issues. there is definitely a double standard in that you will get praise and congratulations about being recovered from an ED but will be thought of as crazy and insane if you are not either recovered or far in the process of recovering.
I can relate to all of these points, especially 1 and 3. One of ironies I
have is that I am usually not interested in dating someone until I get
to know them, but once we become friends, I am reluctant to ask the
person out because I am afraid that it will hurt our friendship. I still
haven't figured out how to handle that.
@xXDC_luyouXx - I completely agree with your statements. I didn't date anyone until I was 26. My lack of dating experience caused some problems between us early on because I didn't know what was normally expected in a relationship. Later on, I was afraid to break up with her even when I wasn't happy because I thought I wouldn't get another chance to date someone. Looking back on it, not dating anyone during my high school and college years is one of the things I regret most in life, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to make up for that.