Wednesday, 29 September 2010
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I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change
My first love was when I was 15. In some ways, it was all that plus a bag of chips. In other ways, it was a tough lesson in disguise. I first saw him at an ice-skating rink in Central Park. It was love at first sight before he even knew I existed. A couple of weeks later, he visited my school to see some mutual friends and we were introduced. I must have made an impression because I received a call. It was my friend. She said, "He told me to tell you he likes you."To this day, I vividly remember the joy I felt upon hearing those words. We hung out two times and we were official. There were no questions, no answers, it just was.
I never knew what love at first sight was until I met him. I never knew what love was until I loved him. We were young, our love was pure, and it was perfect. A little too perfect... the kind that got me nervous. Reality was so much better than dreams, every moment felt Kodak, and each one was more precious than the next. Time seemed to stand still but it kept on ticking. Weeks turned into months, and in almost a blink of an eye, we were together for over a year.
I loved him. He loved me. I thought we were perfect.
But now it was time for change.
It started off innocently enough. I told him he shouldn't smoke. It wasn't even legal to! He quit. He told me that he didn't like make up. I stopped wearing anything but chapstick. Then, it turned into full-out bartering. We drew up conditions and exceptions. This might seem silly but I promised that I would never wear tank-tops, except to the beach or Great Adventures, until I was 21 years old. In return, he promised not to smoke unless there was a death in the family, until he was 21.
In hindsight, I realize that was the beginning of our end. We began adding more conditions and fighting over the exceptions. Our fights turned into resentment and soon enough, our love deteriorated and I ended up heartbroken.
The only reason I'm giving such an outdated example is because that's my only example. I learned from there on out that you can't try to change somebody. They must change themselves. I also learned that a person must accept you for exactly who you are, otherwise, it's not even worth it. But how about compromises? They come pretty standard right? I don't know. I got so turned off so long ago, that I don't usually give in. There must be a middle ground somewhere though.
How far are you willing to change or compromise for the sake of a relationship?
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- From: serendipidish@xanga
- About Me: I don't believe in rules. Exceptions rule!
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Comments (21)
I'll change as long as I don't have to change my personality, my looks or just the way I am or if it compromises my morals. I don't mind if he also does it too. Compromise is the best key.
good post, i agree you can't change someone but you can inspire them to change, learn new things, habits, values. =)
If only we could forsee the change ahead so we know not to get involved. I'm willing to compromise when it comes to changes, as long as the compromise is reciprocated, but if it means putting my happiness in second so that he could come first then that's a good enough reason for me to end a relationship. Both parties should be able to be equally happy and still be able to come to an agreement.
my ex of three years and i just broke up a month ago and i told him i'd do anything...but now i realize that doing anything would be completely one sided...its like having a conversation with a wall and expecting answers... when we were dating i had this image in my head of how his sort of "knight in shining armor" would be like. so when he wasnt even close, id get so disapointed it ended up in us bickering.. we bickered about everything. for example: do you have to legally stop and wait for someone if their in a round about? all the technicals around it make it a simple answer. but because we both were stubborn and hard headed on our views we'd end up yelling...our biggest mistake in that relationship is to agree to disagree...
I hate when the pressure to change comes.I usually feel like if you don't like me, why'd you date me in the first place.
Well, I do accept my bf for the way that he is BUT I do try to change certain things of him, like his bad attitude and selfish/stubborn things he does at times because it makes me unhappy. He doesn't like me wearing make-up/skimpy clothes so I actually don't do that much but I don't think it's a big thing that I have to give up and I don't allow him to do drugs either for the sake of his health. So some changes can be good and are necessary:)
I dont' think asking someone to stop smoking is over-the-top or anything. I mean, you shouldn't be on their ass about it 24/7, but for me, smoking is a deal breaker. It's unhealthy and I wouldn't want to have kids with someone who smoked.
But I do agree, you can't make someone change. They have to want to do it.
I would never expect my boyfriend to change anything unless he wanted too. But then again, I wouldn't be dating him if there were lots of things about him I didn't like. He was already what I wanted. There was one thing but I never asked him to change it, I just let him know my thoughts about it and left the decision up to him. And he changed because he wanted me to be happy. And vice versa, there were a few things that I needed to change but he never asked me to change, I changed some bad habits because I realized that's exactly what they were - bad habits. And I also, wanted to make him happy. These were minor things of course, we are still the same people we were when we started dating but have made minor changes along the way together and now we are growing together as a couple and things are progressing quite perfectly. I love him and he loves me and there isn't anything that we wouldn't do for each others happiness.
Compromise is okay I think, but not constantly. If you're constantly trying to change things about each other then it probably isn't a healthy relationship to begin with. My boyfriend and I make tiny compromises that don't have huge affects on our life, I've asked him to stop talking badly about my friends even though I can see where he's coming from and he's asked me to be a little more affectionate. He smokes, too, but I would never ask him to stop smoking since I knew he was smoking before we even dated. I've asked him not to smoke around me since I'm susceptible to Bronchitis and Pneumonia so I assume I have bad lungs, but I wouldn't tell him to completely stop. There are always things that one person likes in the relationship and the other doesn't, but it matters how it is brought up and how drastically of a change it is. I think not wearing tank tops is a drastic change like he doesn't want you to look good in public in case someone else is attracted to you. Physical changes are usually selfishly brought on.
It depends on how long the relationship has been going on. If a guy wants me to change something within the first few weeks of dating, I won't be happy about it. It also helps that when you've been in a relationship longer, you know how to communicate with each other more effectively, thus working something out rather than saying "change this now."
there's definitely a difference between telling someone not to smoke and telling someone how to dress, but i know that's not the point of this post.
changing someone to suit your tastes seems wrong, but changing someone for their own benefit (health, success in career/school, helping them get closer to family) is a healthy way we evolve in our relationships.
for example, my boyfriend told me he thought i was too nervous when meeting new people, and that he wanted to help me come out of my shell. Over the time we've dated (4 years) he has helped me come out of my shell a lot as far as feeling comfortable in situations where i don't know anyone. in this way, he's changed me, but for the better, and i appreciate it.
If it's something I do that I don't consider a part of who I am, I am willing to compromise. If it's part of who I am, I don't compromise. He hates it when I show up late? Then I'll try to be on time, because I know that's important to him. He hates it that I write music and sing in a band? Next, please!
at one point I was dating a guy who was. .. let's say "eager to please." At one point, just to see what he would say I wondered out loud if I was a lesbian. He promptly told me he would get a sex change if that were the case.
Baby. Yikes. I wouldn't want to change someone I'm with. It's too annoying. I also want them to know who they are so they won't compromise who they are. (obviously not including beating me and coke snorting)I had that.
They were so perfect, they made me fucking sick.
Little things are okay, if they're somehow mutually beneficial I suppose. I asked my SO not to get puke-drunk on weeknights, as it kills both of our sleep and extends into poor work/school performance, and not to eat shellfish around me as I'm allergic and that would suck for both of us when we have to stay like 6 feet away from each other. He's asked me not to hang out alone with a few guys he's gotten a bad vibe from, and so I try to hang out with a group. But asking to change anything basic about one's personality or appearance is overstepping your SO bounds, in my opinion.
Certain things can be compromised. My ex wanted to live together for two years before getting married. Ouch. Kind of against my beliefs. But I figured we could live together for a year and it wouldn't be a problem. And he specified that he would be okay if there were other people in the house too. I mean...I would hope my guy would want to change on his own if his life wasn't what he pictured. I do the same thing. Being in a relationship helps me get a second opinion on my lifestyle choices.
I've read/heard that to change someone whether it be a significant other, family member or a friend, the person who's desiring to change others must change him or herself. And I don't think this means that it has to be done in a way that will compromise personal beliefs, because nobody wants to be the one who makes the change (!). I don't think changing oneself is an act that can be carried out so easily or that can be applied to all situations (in an obvious way anyway). Encouraging smoking cessation to those who smoke is one example- If your friend smokes, you'd think your friend is the one who has to make the lifestyle change... because why would the person encouraging cessation, for the good of the friend, have to change himself (right)? That would probably be the kinds of thoughts we get if we must change ourselves to generate changes in others.
And yes, definitely, like you said, the people who in our perspectives that needs changing must acknowledge that they want to and will change. But usually not many people want to change if they're told to, unless they agree with what's said. But I think it's true that we must work our way around to cause change in others.
The bartering thing was a little extreme, but I think it was really sweet that you stopped wearing makeup for him. More women should go without makeup.
(I'm 17 and it's not some big religious or political thing that I have against makeup, I just think that you don't need it to feel attractive and I think boys have a lot of respect for girls who skip it).
So I just think that's really sweet and noble of you. :)
ILYYPNC = great musical!
I want love ..! Where is my love/lover? I miss ..it ... because of timing ...