Yesterday I found a small plastic bag inside my boyfriend's closet. He told me it was his ex-girlfriend's stuff and said that I could look if I really wanted to.
There were more than 10 photos of her, one was her lying on the bed sideways, then there was another one of her posing a cute gesture to the camera. Inside the bag there was her small size t-shirt, a necklace, a heart-shaped key-ring and some love letters...
He was interested in her for 5 years, then finally was in a relationship with her for 1 year. Last year in June, she dumped him.
Then I met him in October, am in a relationship with him since December. This is my first relationship and it is a serious one. He always says "I'm the best," that I look beautiful without make-up, and that he would love me forever.
I know he has gotten over her. But my heart felt heavy and I felt scared when I looked at them. In the photos, she's quite skinny and quite pretty. Then, I started to wonder what my boyfriend was thinking while looking at the photos or what fantasies he will have. I compared myself to her and all those losing-weight negative thoughts came.
How do I stop comparing myself to her?
I wanted to ask more about the history between them: whether they had done this and that. But I know it is none of my business. I wanted to ask him to throw all the stuff away, but I know he has the right to keep them.
Do you keep stuff of your ex? What do you feel when you look at your ex's stuff or your SO's ex's stuff?
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Comments (50)
i always compare my boyfriends ex's to myself. always. we've been together 3 years now, and it wasnt until like last month when he finally got rid of all his ex's stuff. granted he never kept it on purpose like in your scenario, he just forgot he put things places and i ALWAYS find them...not purposefully, he'll ask me to fetch something and in the same drawer will be a photo of her. so irritating.
just remember that that was his past, he's with you now, and even if he isnt fully over her (which it sounds like he is, especially since he told you that you could look through it) he's over her enough to actually start a serious relationship, which means he WILL be over her. first love is something sacred for everyone. just, dont beat yourself up, believe it or not most guys dont care as much as we do about weight! Your gorgeous and he's lucky to have a girl like you.
also, dont be afraid to bring it up. ask him "why he still has it" instead of asking him to get rid of it. he'll undoubtedly see your a bit concerned just for the sheer fact you brought it up, and then you can openly talk about why it bothers you! hope i helped some.
i must admit i only feel half your pain... i'm kind of egotistical, so i think i am prettier and skinnier than her (of course, by my standards), so i don't worry about that.
but when i see stuff that he's kept from her, i still get jealous.
i tell him so. i guess a part of me is like 'reassure me of your love!!' haha...
although, unlike you, i go ahead and ask about, like, everything about his past relationship (his ex and i had some classes together in high school). he answers them all, really. if you're really worried, why not just ask? honesty is pretty crucial to a relationship. (and lets not think about curiosity killing the cat!!).
as for my end, i take great joy in vivaciously chucking gifts from an ex into the garbage :) i don't feel anything. although, admittedly i was not seriously attached to either of them (cuz, you know, junior high. pfft, "relationships" and "ex's" haha)
Hm...I def feel your pain. My ex was in a relationship with a girl for three years before they broke it off. He still kept all her stuff though. We are in college and in his dorm she stuck a whole bunch of sticky notes on his wall and he kept them up there despite the fact that they weren't together. He also kept photos and items she gave him. She is also waaay prettier and skinnier than me so my self esteem was always low. But don't worry, the longer you are with him the less care you will have. It seems that your SO really cares about you and loves you...so a word of advice: don't let this "ex" stuff get to your head....or that won't be the only thing you lose :/
Oh gosh. I'm definitely going through this same problem. I'm getting over it, though. Don't let yourself wonder about it for nights and nights. Just ask him about it and get it over with. Communication is key! :)
I keep my ex's stuff. I don't really ever look through it all, though. They don't really mean anything to me. If anything, I just kinda scoot them back even farther into my closet. Photos and notes, they are just old memories. Nothing too special.ex ... is difficult
I got rid of gifts from my ex's not that I had many of them and the longest relationship was 3months long until I married my husband we have been together 8 years
Oh you really have no reason to be paranoid, seriously. Especially if he was so open to you looking through it.
I dated a guy for three years, and toward the end, things got really ugly and unhealthy. He would cut and tell me the way I acted made him cut, and he would always guilt trip me into doing things. I acted out like a crazy person sometimes. It was so stressful and took a big toll on me, and him I suppose. I stopped talking to him after we broke up, and every time I think about him and the time we spent together, I feel a little sad and resentful of the relationship and him. It's taken me several months to stop hating him. A year later, I still have a couple things from him. A gift, a love letter. Hours and hours of saved AIM conversations. We had taken a few photobooth shots together when we were still happy together and I kind of wish I still had those.
I think he's overall not a good person, and our relationship was obviously pretty ugly. But he was still a big part of my life for a long time, and that's why I keep the things. Of course, I don't take them out to look at very often. I think that would be unhealthy. But they're always kind of somewhere in the back of my drawer and I find them accidentally every once in a while, maybe reminisce about the relationship for a minute, and then put them away again. Some remind me of when we were happy together, and some remind me of the really bad times, but I like to keep them because they're a part of my past.
Someone else commented about their boyfriend keeping his ex's stuff where he can always see them. I think that's a little unhealthy. But if it's clear that your boyfriend isn't dwelling on the past and is over it, then there's no issue with him keeping a couple mementos.
I sort of feel the same way. My guy's ex was a artist and its weird seeing her paintings in his room. should i be worried? or does he just appreciate the artwork? i'm confused but i'm trying to not let it bother me.
I only kept like my stuff animal from ex and that's really all. My bf got rid of his. It really means nothing. I usually keep gifts from exs or just from other people. I find no reason to throw away cute things just because my ex got me them.
I would not worry about it.
It's all the past and just memories. As long as he isn't dwelling on it..then I wouldn't be worried =)
I will never get rid of a blanket an ex made me. It's awsome, its warm and reflects my personality. I keep it more for functionality over emotionality. If a new girlfriend asked about it I'd ask for an explanation of why she's kept what she has! The why is more important to me than the actual item.
my boyfriend has a photo album of him and his ex wife which i hate, but i mean i guess its allowed seeing as they were married.
ayy grl you hella cute tho. don't trip.
i keep my exes' shirts and things just because they don't want it back and i don't want to throw them away (since the shirts are really nice haha). i never wear them or anything tho. so don't worry! :) just ask if you feel uncomfortable!
I wrote a whole post about this.....
but I keep my pictures I have of my ex because it reminds me of who I was at the time, and it reminds me of how much better I have it now with my current boyfriend.
I know you may be offended or a little possessive knowing he kept this stuff, but its probably just because its part of his past and to be honest, its hard to get rid of. But if he has it in a bag tucked away and he doesn't look at it much, you probably don't have much to worry about. But anyway, you can talk to him about it and ask why he kept it.
Omg. I completely understand how you feel.. sigh..
When I was over at my bf's house, I'd somehow ALWAYS find things from his ex, to the love letters she wrote him, a laminated photo of them at prom together (they went twice, yippee), her gold necklace she left at his house, their old couple ring he bought for her, this volunteer t-shirt they got together and wore together.. the list goes on. I felt horrible finding it and it made me so uncomfortable to the point that he could tell and he made me confess what was irritating me so much, and he eventually with time, got rid of each thing. In this way, my bf is really great with handling these things, he has no more attachment to his ex and doesn't mind tossing each thing out, and even all her online things- sites he used with her where they'd send each other messages and folders of e-mails.. all gone now ;]I had always compared myself to her, and truth be told, I am better than her in most ways, in particular, treating my bf well, she failed to do that, she was a complete btch to him, his family and his best friend.. I still am not happy when I see her things or if he brings her up, but I've gotten over it with time and I don't really think about it anymore. He also told me all her belongings she had at his house.. he forgot about majority of them until I stumbled upon them and never looked at them anymore, I believe him because I can so tell that this is true, she has no place in his heart anymore. He has SO MANY MORE of my belongings at his place now, all his online sites he uses with me and it's me everywhere on his site and not her. These little things helped me to get over the insecurity that I had, I'm a lot more confident now. Talk to your bf about it, a healthy relationship is all about communication and if it really bothers you that much, let him know. Don't force him to throw it away for you, but if he's a good bf, he will make an effort so that you won't always find these little "surprises" in his room. Keep in mind that he has an exgf but you haven't had an ex before, so perhaps you don't know how that feels as of now.. be understanding as well c:i keep things from my exes, so it's only fair he keeps things from his. however, if they begin to consume his life, there's a problem.
I feel you sooooooooooo much on this one. Like scarily idk what to do either :/. I just try to forget it.
Anyway, if it bothers you that much (as it would with me), then you should definitely bring it up. The key to a healthy relationship is based on openness and honesty. Also, I'm sure if he found a bag of YOUR ex's stuff hidden in YOUR closet, he'd be whacking his brains as well! :P
Best of luck to ya! <3
i burned all the notes my ex wrote me and deleted his number out of my phone. it made me feel great, and i loved watching all of his lies burn in the fire. :)
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I don't have anything from ex's, maybe stuff animals, but nothing serious. My boyfriend now has given me a lot of things and I've given him things. I have no idea what would happen if we broke up. When we broke up for a few months a few years ago I threw away the things he gave me. It didn't help me get over him and if I wasn't so hotheaded I probably would have kept it and been thankful. If my boyfriend had things from his ex's I would be a little upset since his ex's all cheated on him and the girl he dated right after our breakup was dating him so he wouldn't get back with me. I definitely compare myself to her a lot since it kind of felt like he broke up with me to date her. He assures me he didn't, but who knows.
I used to go through that with this other ex of mine... But after getting with a guy who has had 30+ girlfriends it doesn't really bother you anymore. Guys date girls in different sizes and whatnot. He likes you for you and that's all that matters. You shouldn't have to compare yourself and think negatively. :)
Sorry, but id probably go off on him for keeping anything from his ex. Srsly there'd be a bonfire, the shit would have to go.
i kinda wonder why he didn't give it back to her or trash that crap
I have mixes from my ex,only because 1.He spent hours making them 2.I actually bought the CDR's(my money.) and 3.They weren't your normal mixes from a boyfriend.Just random music by bands he liked.
My current boyfriend(and also most recent...ex..oO)has given me jewelry,at least two cards and flowers that I dried.Even when we broke up I didn't want to get rid of the stuff-because I wasn't over him(obviously).He still kept the things I gave him as well.
I haven't seen anything from his ex,except for a clip that I believe to be hers.I haven't asked.If I found pictures or things that I would personally keep-if I weren't over the person-yeah...I'd be upset.
I'm a bit torn about the picture situation..and the love notes.They should definitely be thrown away,especially if they're making you uncomfortable(if they are,do as I say,no as I do-talk to him).Then again,some people just want to remember specific relationships,for whatever reason.If it's something important for him to keep,but also something important for you that he gets rid of them-all you can do is talk about it and try to understand each other.
Girls always compare or rate each other. No guy does that. She's prettier or she's better. Honestly you need to just be you. Never put yourself down. You might think your not hot but to him you're a GEM! I think its okay for people in general to keep their old stuff. My first relationship I didn't keep anything but my second one I did. She played a more important part in my life and it was a different type of relationship. In comparison the first one lasted 3 months and the second 10 years. I boxed everything and I haven't looked or touch any of it. Okay hypothetically you make him throw those things away. It won't matter because you can't erase his memories, you can only try to create better ones. The way I look at it is I had a good past and now that's all behind me. Best thing to do is ask him how he honestly feels about her now. I think since he let you look at his personal things from way back probably means he's over it. Communication and trust is key.