Friday, 24 September 2010
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Do You Have A Relationship Time Limit?
I've heard of the 7-year itch for marriage and the 3-year itch for relationships. I have an "itch" I must scratch also. See, I tend to think that I'm pretty efficient. I have certain 'philosophies' about relationships. Foremost, I believe in the concept of a soul mate. I don't think there's just ONE person in the entire planet but I do believe that you'll somehow 'just know' when you find the right person. This is where my logic kicks in. How long does it take to 'know'? My magic number is 1.5 years. I don't even think it takes that long. I think you can 'know' in a day (hey, I'm pretty open-minded) but if I'm in a good relationship, I tend to give it the full 1.5, just to be sure it isn't a late bloomer. Yup, my longest relationship was 1.5 years. Actually, all my relationships tend to be 1.5 years. It's almost like clockwork. Around the one year mark, my heart's already in preparation-mode. I tell myself that time is not of the essence, but my heart's busy making a final decision. After that, I gradually down-shift the relationship into neutral, and try to leave it amicably. It works out fine. I haven't made one exemy yet.
I've had friends and acquaintances that have been in much longer-term relationships. Some are blissfully together for 10 years and belatedly one party realizes that they must move on. See, this is exactly what I don't want. I don't want to waste someone's precious time. And in return, I don't want to be strung along and waste my time. In a perfect love universe, my only wish would be that every person meets the one that's most suitable for them. How is that possible if people are holding onto each other for selfish reasons? I have made it a part of my love constitution etiquette. But to each their own.
Do you get the "itch"? Do you think relationships should have an expiration date?
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- From: serendipidish@xanga
- About Me: I don't believe in rules. Exceptions rule!
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Comments (43)
I don't start dating people in the first place if I don't think they're right for me. If I date someone it's in the anticipation of getting engaged and getting married. Sort of like a pre-engagement to be sure of my choice.
That's why I've only had 2 boyfriends and quite likely won't ever have another one.
I don't date anyone unless I know they are right for me..You don't really have to wait for a year and half to see if it works out or not. Sometimes you just know..and you should in the beginning..or at least have some clue about it..
I find it odd when people date with the sole intention of getting married. I mean, it's always been in the back of my mind, and I've known when I was getting into a relationship with marriage material, but I don't think you have to be able to marry someone to have a good span of time with them. Dating is a learning experience. It's a way to understand people on a different level than "friend". Why sell yourself short on life experience?
I've known people who have gone on extended vacations who have fallen in love with someone in a foreign country, knowing they'll never spend their lives together, and just enjoying the time they have together.
The first person I ever fell in love with took me over 12 years to get over. I was never with her as a relationship, though we did boink a few times. My first real relationship lasted three years (LDR), and I broke the engagement. My second was never a, "Let's get married" relationship until after a year in. I oddly thought that though I knew he wasn't marriage material in the beginning, that he'd change as I had changed. Nope. Didn't work out. A year and a half in, we did a mutual dumping.
Now I'm in a "marriage" relationship. In the beginning, we placed all of our cards on the table and said, "This is what I have to offer, this is what I want from life. Wanna play Go Fish?" This relationship definitely started with the intent for a long-term commitment, and it has stayed that way for the entire duration (two years now).
My "itch" happens at about a year and a half. If we can't make it through the, "Lynn, you're panicking, is this what you really want" stage, then it's not really meant to be.
I don't believe in soulmates at all so don't really have a set number. I don't even believe most people EVER met their true soul mate, just near approximations. As a heterosexual anything, its hard to go meet 3 billion people...jus sayin'...
Maybe one of the reasons why your relationships don't go past 1.5 years is because you have set an expectation that they will only last that long and you start preparing for it to end around the 1 year point. If you expect something like that to happen it will most likely happen because you are making it happen that way. Just a thought.
Rage For Love
No. Relationships definitely don't have expiration dates. especially once you get married. The vows say until death do we part. That means for life. That means when things get tough you work it out even when you don't want too.
@aotolife@xanga - ah, my catch 22 :) Thing is, I'll never know if it's a self-fulfilling prophesy until something different happens. I've tried to reason myself out of it plenty of times, even used psychological bait and mental stimulus, but in the end, I couldn't change the certainty that eventually developed.
I think dating has an expiration date. It's whenever you realize you aren't going to be happy being with the person forever. If you can't see yourself with a future, it's over.
@Mangonese@xanga - i don't know why, really, but to me, dating just for the sake of it has always seemed like a waste of time. i guess because i'm just not a very social person. as a general rule,. the fewer people i need to interact with in order to find the ones who will really matter to me (relationships and friendships alike), the better. of course, i may have just lucked out, relationship-wise. i met my boyfriend at 16, way before i felt "ready" to date, and we started dating two years later & now intend to be married. i'm not sure how i'd feel about the whole thing if i were single, because the last time i was single, i was incredibly socially awkward and scared of boys. marriage would probably still be in the back of my mind, idk, i just can't understand how it wouldn't be, but different people just think differently about stuff, and sometimes how people operate can't be explained, it just is what it is lol
If I don't think it's going to work out I'll break up with the person within a few months. My longest relationship was about 3 months and my average was about 2 weeks to a month. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and almost 8 months. I think we're pretty stuck together. We're always having fun, having things to talk about, etc. There's no itch. I mean, I guess I could give it 3 years and see if the itch occurs, but I don't think it will. Although, I do know people who were in the same position and at 3 years they broke up. Guess I'll have to wait and see, but I'm not one to dwell on the future too much. We have talked about marriage, but we know we won't do that until we both are more established in our lives. I'm still living at home in California and going to school, he just moved back to Texas and is going to school. I think every person is different though. I wouldn't stay with someone because I didn't want to be alone, but I know plenty people who do that.
This is an interesting theory. I think relationships expire when one or both people find themselves at a dead end.
I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than two months.
i would hope there is a next level after 2 years. then again it depends which age gap you are in.
if you are still in school its a different story but once out of that environment after dating for 2 years i want to know that there is a next step and a stability and a almost guarantee that we have a future together.
otherwise, why would i be in a relationship with you for this long if all i wanted was to have fun. i would hit the next button every month!
I haven't had a relationship last that long in a long time. I almost forget what it's like...
It's sad. I kind of miss it.
yet, on the contrary, i think I stay in relationships sometimes much longer than I ought to.
I don't really get an itch. I'm honestly just content with getting to know someone and figuring things out as they go. With my fiance and I, we've been together for almost 3 years and enagaged for almost 1. I think we went into it really liking and caring about each other, and once you get to know someone even more (past the inital dating stage) and realize how much you care about them & love them - I think you just know you're going to try your best to make things work out despite problems that come up. Everyone feels those things at different times..Some people take awhile, others can feel it super quickly. But I think probably within a year you know how serious you are about a person. Definitely. I don't understand how people can date 6 or 7 years and then decide to break up. Obviously it happens, people who are married for years get divorced..but unless it's some huge problem that arises to cause the split, I don't know how they couldn't have realized the other person was wrong for them in the first few years of dating. I guess you never know though..
I start itching at 9 months.... if they last that long.
@serendipidish@xanga - Than maybe deep down, you do not really want or or not ready for a long-term relationship, which if that is the case, you should make that known to the other party early on. Otherwise, it's a waste of your time and his time.
The majority of mine end around 3 months but the other cases its been a year and 3 years, so hard to say.
For some reason, I've never had a real relationship last more than 4 months, but I've had many boyfriends. For a long while I thought it must be me, until I met my current boyfriend, and we recently hit our 3 month mark (fingers crossed that it goes much longer!) and I couldn't feel happier or more secure.
So I really don't know my true potential time limit--hey maybe it really is the 3/4 month mark, that's usually when the itching starts. Whatever.
But I would figure most people just go by ear.
My best friend has a half year itch.. I actually don't. If I don't see myself in the future with this person, I wouldn't date them to begin with. Obviously within time feelings can develop more and my relationship with my bf can become stronger.. but my bf was with his ex for 2 years and almost 2 months, so if a relationship as long as that can end in a blink of an eye, so can mine. If it has to end, it will. If we're not meant to be, we won't be together in the long run.. and even if we do stay together all the way to marriage, there's still always divorce. There is no guarantee in anything no matter how many promises are made and how real they may sound..
However, my relationships are a bit fast-paced in some ways, I get to know most things about my bf within only a few months time, so I can pretty much make a decision as early as a few months to whether or not I'd want to stay with him. I think the timing for each person can change, but don't hold back in your new relationship just because you had a 1.5 year relationship itch with your ex, each relationship is different.
Dating for marriage is silly, in my opinion. Why does everything have to be so serious? Can't you just have some good times with someone? Who knows where it'll go?
I've been in this relationship for thirteen months. Before this, my longest relationship was two and a half months. So, guess I don't really have too much of an itch :P
I've been with my current boyfriend just shy of three years and nine months, and I neither see us breaking up nor getting engaged any time soon. I'm dying for the latter, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but you have to take things day by day, and we aren't there yet...
@vicdaily@xanga - i think you hit the nail on the head here. OP, sounds like you know after about 1.5 years; i reach that point a lot earlier (more like six months)! but, again, everyone's different.
studies have shown that in the most successful marriages (as evidenced by their longevity and the satisfaction of both parties), the partners got engaged after between 6 and 18 months of dating. so OP, though we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, sounds like we have the right idea of how long it should take to "know"
@thedommediaries@xanga - someone who really knows what she wants, then? That's respectable!
Intellectually, I know I should have a time limit instead of waiting around to get married to a guy who doesn't really want to get married. Maybe if I stop wasting my time with him, I'll find someone I love and who loves me and wants to marry me.