Friday, 24 September 2010
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Ending the Argument: Are You In It to Win It?
Call me an anti-social reject if you wish, but when I'm at college between classes, I like to eat alone. There's something really relaxing about focusing on nothing and no one for a little while out of a hectic day. Of course, no one can focus on nothing. And so, the eavesdropping begins.
Two girls sitting at a nearby table yesterday began a conversation like this, "Jenna, I have a serious problem."
I cannot be expected not to eavesdrop under these circumstances. Or, at least, that's what I tell myself in order to justify it. I know it's rude. But that's another post for another time.
Girl-with-an-issue goes on to tell her friend Jenna that her boyfriend hasn't called in two days since their argument.
Jenna: Well you can't call him then. Don't be the one who gives in.
Girl-with-an-issue: I mean, I just want to talk to him and see what his deal is.
Jenna: If you are the one to call him, then he wins.
Conversations like this make me really sad. Personal relationships are not a game. Emotions are involved. And if they are a game, why does anyone want to play?
As the conversation continued, Jenna and Now-on-the-verge-of-tears-friend started spouting out some really predictable BS. Things about how Teary-eyed-girl couldn't "show him her weakness", and that he was the one who started the argument, so "he should finish it." Things about how if he is a "real man," he will own up to "his mistake."
But what about Got-an-issue-and-now-needs-a-tissue-girl? Why are there rules to how and when and why she should contact her man? If she wants to confront him, why can't she? It's her relationship and her feelings.
When did the rule get written that we can't answer texts right away so we "don't seem too eager?"
When did the rule get written that we can't say I love you when we feel it because we don't want to "come on too strong?"
Why can't we feel what we feel when we feel it without the judgment of our friends?
And, in my opinion, most importantly of all...
Why do we care how our actions "make us look" to our SO's?
Jenna put her arm around her friend, and said to her:
"This is just the way it works sometimes. Sometimes, you just have to play to win. He'll figure it out."
Do you think testing and playing games with SO's is the best way to solve a problem? Do you find advice like this to be useful?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (14)
Any person who cares "how you look" to them doesn't know you well enough, hasn't made the effort. Those men are not worth it.
I don't understand things like this, at all. If you are hurt by things that someone has done, no matter how new the relationship or how you want to look, you need to confront the person. It doesn't have to be another argument but you have to state that your feelings need to be appreciated, and if the person cannot do that then they are not worth it. I would never give in to a man saying that my feelings weren't right, or put down my feelings. You are in a relationship to grow and learn with each other, but if you're afraid of how you're going to look when you're upset, then that's a sign the relationship should not continue. Rules should not exist, and what works for one person may not work for another.
I agree about giving people space after an argument has taken place, but at the same time, you have to communicate how long that time is going to be.
I completely agree! My best friend and her boyfriend used to do this all the time.. "I'm not calling him! He can call ME!" and so on.
I mean.. no problems or issues are going to be solved if they don't take the time to talk to eachother about it! It's just torturing yourself waiting. I hate when girls think that a man should "just know" when he's done something wrong. They're not psychic!
Throw all of those rules out the window. Relationships don't have set rules! Every relationship is different because personalities are unique and should be handled as such. If you're just honest about your feelings and don't let things build up inside, then life is so much easier.
I used to get in fights with my boyfriend all the time when we were first dating 3 years ago but then I realized that my parents do the same thing and they never solve anything. Now, instead of getting in fights, I tell him what's bothering me as it happens and he does the same. We tell eachother we're sorry and we'll try not to do it again. Slip-ups happen, of course, but we move on. There's no fighting. There are calm conversations where we address our concerns to eachother and make suggestions as how to solve the issues.
@drunkdevotchkababy@xanga - I agree with you!
@TheGirlWithIdeas@xanga - Same, when I first got together with my bf, we fought like crazy too.. we still have arguments at times but we try to get them not as heated and just confronting each other when we're upset rather than hiding it because it'll just blow up in our faces sometime later and that won't be pretty.i guess ;;; :(
Unfortunately, none of my friends judge me for my relationship with my bf....
I don't ever do that. I fight with my bf..but usually it's been quite serious. Though it does get resolved..
Every time my ex and I got in a fight I was always the one to try and stop arguing and calm him down. I always got sick of the fighting first so even if I thought I was right I'd let him win. It didn't always work - he'd still be angry at me for a long time after that, even when he pushed me to tears.
One day I was sick of being the calm, collected, level-headed one. When he gave me attitude I did it right back. I was proud of myself, but it didn't make him realize the error of his ways. It resulted in us breaking up. However, this was not because I was being irrational. It was simply that he was an irrational person and it took me a year to realize it.
I don't see the point of always trying to win the arguments. In my future relationships I will still continue to be the calm one if the argument is not important. But I learned that if I am always the fight ender, that it is probably not the healthiest of relationships. I'm going to find a guy that is willing to give in sometimes too.
so dumb. open communication is the way to go. playing games and shit like this just leads to resentment building up, which just makes everything shittier. just be straight up. if you're honest and open and the person leaves you over it, well, do you really want to be with someone you need to play games with? when the right person comes along, being straight up about how you feel won't push them away. if it does, they weren't the right person, the relationship will most likely end at some point, and at least you won't have wasted time feeling miserable.
Absolutely not! All this girl's friend, Jenna, was giving her was complete and total BS. Not advice. Who cares if he "wins"? If the argument is over then that's great. I could care less who ends it. I consider it a race. Whoever ends the argument first wins! haha
Her friend is advising her to act like a child. She should be an adult and address the problem with her man, whether or not she thinks that's "giving in".
It's so dumb that people in great relationships let situations like this happen. Relationships are work sometimes, and if you don't want to work, move over so those of us stuck being single can have a chance.
I agree with you. She needs to confront him because it makes her the bigger person, and it will answer questions, even if the answer is simply, he's a douche. For her to not call him and wait means she's not being true to herself, and if she wants any kind of future with this guy, she has to be honest. I hate when people give advice like that friend of hers. Clearly she hasn't had many successful relationships.
It's not useful if your boyfriend couldn't care less about you or how you feel. It's not a solution, and it's not usually a good way of fighting.
I personally don't think it's useful. With my ex, I never really fought but every time he was upset at me for elementary reasons, I just dropped it. I just think that it's stupid..."letting the other person win". Who cares? If I have to "lose" in order to have that person back in my arms...sure, what the heck? If that's the case, I'll gladly lose every time.
What a shit friend. "Don't call him to talk about what the problem is so you can fix it. Just wait for him to apologize."