Friday, 24 September 2010
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Failing at Dating and Becoming Closer to God
The 2nd semester of my freshman year in college, I was still desperate for dating, still putting girls above God, and I went to counseling (unrelated to the Jane incident). In an attempt to cure me (didn't work), the psychologist told me to start dating. This time, I had my eyes on "Agnes." Agnes and I went to church together and went to a neighboring college. Like Jane, she was beautiful, funny, laughed at all my jokes, and smart. Agnes looked like Lynsey Bartilson (sorry if this gives away her identity). Her mother, "Regina" was our Sunday School teacher.Regina also gave me her phone number (Regina's house number, NOT Agnes's number. Agnes didn't live at home, she lived in the dorms at college) in case I needed to talk to her about something. I took this as a sign that she trusted me with her daughter. Per my psychologist's orders trying to get me to date her, I would talk to Agnes before Sunday School while Regina would be off doing something. I would joke around, be silly, talk about the news and try to get acquainted with her.
When the bell rang dismissing Sunday School, it would scare me, therefore I would jump. Agnes would laugh at me and then apologize for laughing. Due to my ignorance on how to talk to girls, ignorance on what to say in front of her mother and sometimes in front of her brother who's as big as Andre The Giant, I would flirt by saying stuff like "You better be sorry, you bad girl." I was hoping that flirting with her would draw her closer to me, and it didn't. There's no telling how many times this happened, but this was as far as it got and I don't remember how long I did this. Nobody said anything, not even Andre The Giant or the father. I would have if I was both of them.
This was also another empty feeling. Just pursuing girls instead of God. Hopelessly and desperately trying to date, even though it wouldn't get me anywhere.
During all this, I met a friend named "John." John was my 1st and new best friend in college, who I confided I was trying to date "for the fun of it" and because it was psychologist's orders. I also confided why I went to counseling and would talk to him about it. It took a lot of arguing, but John told me to see another counselor, stop trying to date, focus more on God, pray, read the Bible, etc. John also took me to the Methodist organization, and Chi Alpha, an Assembly of God organization on campus.
For 6 months, I then saw another counselor who told me to stop dating, dating wouldn't "cure" me and gave me some different counseling advice. I quit trying to date Agnes and just quit trying to date girls "for the fun of it." I focused more on God, prayed more read the Bible, and just plain didn't worry about dating (like on the Sermon on the Mount--Matthew 5-8). My life hasn't been better.
Agnes and her family went on family vacations for the summer and worked at a summer camp. I went to summer school and counseling with the new counselor and met new friends during the summer. Then as the summer ended, we got a new preacher, and Agnes's family came back. By this time I wasn't desperate for a girlfriend and was okay being single. Agnes's family didn't like the new preacher and they moved to another church. I never saw any of them again.
Since then, I've stopped trying to date "for the fun of it." I'm no longer desperate for a girlfriend. I still have some things in my life I need to work on and I'm still not ready for dating yet. I need to work on being Mr. Right first. But the main thing is I don't worry about it.
Thoughts? Anyone else out there who struggled like this?
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- From: big_luke20@xanga
- About Me: I hate filling these things out and updating them. If you know me, then you know me. If you don't, you don't.
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Comments (23)
Were you ever homeschooled?
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Rude ... but none of it made sense until I read your comment.
And.. no, I haven't. Maybe you should just not worry about it and let things go it's way for now. It's probably best to see some good/close friends instead of a psych.
can't say that i have...
this post was odd.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - ouch :P
Don't put god before women. You are putting yourself at high risk of becoming a pedophile.
This really should be on Revelife because you're won't receive the kind of feedback you're looking for. For the "secular world", being forked between God and sex (I mean women) is a doozy.
I think you'll get some pretty harsh/dumb comments here. Still, it's nice they mixed a post like this into Datingish. Anyhow, focus on God and all else will come! Take care.
@naguyin@xanga - @squishlepenguin@xanga - Sorry, I really didn't mean that rude, it was a legit question.
I agree, this would be more fitting for Revelife, you probably won't get the type of feedback your looking for here.
But my advice anyways, is to do what makes you feel happiest. If it's focusing on dating, then do that. If it's focusing on your Religion, then do that.
Um...well, yes. I spent a long time wanting a boyfriend and not paying attention to God, but I'm now at a point where I am paying attention to God and the guy stuff is gradually (possibly) falling into place without any real effort. It's actually quite refreshing. Unlike you, I was already who I wanted to be when I was with my last guy, but right now I just readjusted my priorities and put God first, which has made me even better than I thought I could be.
I suggest you study other religions and study the rules about rape and slavery in the Bible and then ask yourself if that really seems like the word of anything divine.
Then I suggest you join some clubs or organizations that will force you to get out and just interact with people, and instead of viewing women as potential dates you just view them as people.Don't try to flirt. Try to have a conversation. If you're talking to a girl about things she's actually interested in, you're a lot more likely to get a positive response, whether she's romantically interested in you or not. And if she does end up being romantically interested in you, great. You're a lot more likely to get a date from a girl who already knows and trusts you than from some girl you just threw some awkward as hell pickup lines at.
Personally, I would say it sounds like you need balance. You don't need to be running after women and forgetting God. On the other hand, you shouldn't be so focused on one-on-one time with God that you never hang out with people, either.
God made you in His image, and He loves you. He also made you to have community with other people. I mean, gosh, even monks in monasteries have community.
Basically, don't panic. Seek Him as you're going out and living your normal life. If you meet a nice girl, get to know her and see what happens. You never know.
Have you read Joshua Harris's book like "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" or "Boy Meets Girl"? Definitely read those if you haven't already. Don't depend on a girlfriend to make you happy. People will fail you and disappoint you, but God will always be there for you. Put God first in your life and He'll provide you with everything you need.
Not being desperate is a good first step. Also, it seems like you've got this need to put a lot of your energy into one thing, (girls, God?), instead of taking the time to distribute your resources evenly. Balancing your intensity could help you become more relaxed, most definitely. It sounds like you're the anxious sort. So am I. I find that when I stop trying to focus on one thing and try to just put effort into doing a lot of different things, I act more "normal".
Basically, don't be desperate to be with a girl, and don't be desperate to put your faith in God. Find some cool hobbies, go out places, talk to people.
@jmgbme@xanga - Exactly.
I am sorry but I really don't understand why you see a conflict between being focused on God and finding love. Why can't you find a nice girl who will support your faith?
@xXDC_luyouXx - I agree.
I don't have any opinions about it..
I think it's more about being content with himself without having a girlfriend than anything else. Some people might find it in going to the gym, playing sport, learning an instrument, etc. He's just getting more involved in his religion.
Really, the main issue is that you have found peace and a sense of meaning. This is good. Once you're content and happy with yourself/alone, that's when you're ready for a relationship.
God cant fulfill your sex life,sex can't fulfill your spiritual life.
balance. you need it.
I've come to realize that even though I miss having a significant other, and I tend to crave relationships, maybe the fact that I have been single for the past year, my freshman year of college, has been the best. I'm at a place where spiritually, emotionally, everything-else-ally, I don't understand where I am at.
Like you, I'm accepting the challenge of becoming the person I want to be, the person that would actually be good for someone else to date. If I were asked out, I would probably say yes, but I'm trying to get rid of this I-need-someone mindset I tend to live with.
It's fun, for sure. Meh.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - From personal experience (I go to Bible college with a good mix of previously homeschooled, private schooled, and public schooled students) I'd say he doesn't really sound like a homeschooler, but definitely someone who grew up in a church setting. Like, well, like me. Church oriented, but plenty corrupt ^_^
@Nominatim@xanga - How does that work? I actually really curious how you came up with that.
@xXDC_luyouXx - @aotolife@xanga - Perhaps true, but I don't see any reason why a post detailing someone's view on dating shouldn't go on Datingish. Variety is good, and getting to know the worldviews of other people, even if they are different, makes one well rounded. I appreciate this being posted, simply to show the other side of things.
@xXDC_luyouXx - That's the first thing I thought. Why is this here, not on the God Channel?
I think the main thing is when you're trying to date and find someone, it doesn't usually happen. You should just pursue who you want when you want, and if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Do what does make you feel good (in your case, a relationship with God), and the right girl will show up when you least expect it and most need it. Going with the flow and following your gut rather than overthinking things like this usually ends best.
I wish I was in such a healthy place as you. Good for you.