Thursday, 23 September 2010

• 4 Intelligent Ways To Drink

  

  Someone asks me, "What are you?" After a few blank stares, I realize they mean ethnicity. I respond, "I'm Korean." Every so often, they say, "Oh, you must know how to drink." I wonder when this notion of Koreans and alcohol intake first reached mainstream, but for me at least, it's true. It's not because I'm Korean though. I learned it on my own.
  
  I learned very early on that alcohol is one of the most dangerous substances in the world. It's a drug that's legal, easily accessible, low cost, mood-altering to the point of being mellow to belligerent to passed out cold, and makes you susceptible to very high-risk behavior. It's all good though. It's manipulable, if you have the will to tame it. I decided to give it a try. Here's what I learned along the way:
  
  Boys and alcohol don't mix, period, double exclamation point!! You know the kind I'm talking about.
  
  Sorry for generalizing 'boys.' More specifically, I mean bottom-of-the-barrel worthless piece of sh*ts that happen to be members of the opposite sex. The type that will use any method to get what they want without wasting so much as a drop on common decency. It's a nice set-up and alcohol gives them the perfect alibi.
  
  Where there's a will there's a way right? NO. I have a game plan. It's been tested, refined, and retested. Here's the combo that works best for me:
  
  1. Know your limit. No ifs, ands, or buts. If it's your birthday and your friends expect you to drink 22 shots, make sure you have a proper endgame plan. I have a 20 shot limit. That's a lot, but that's me, and I usually stay below 15.
  
  2. Pace yourself. This can be the difference between having fun and ending up in the hospital (or somewhere much worse). I can drink up to 20 shots in one night, but no more than 5 shots each hour. That's approximately a shot every 10 minutes or so. Have a system. Don't drink 5 shots in 5 minutes and wait an hour, your body's going to hate you. (But that unnamed asshole above might love you for that.)
  
  3. Arrange a buddy system. I have a best friend and we basically take turns watching out for each other. In other words, we never leave both of our defenses low. If I seem to be drinking more, she slows down, and vice-versa. We look out for each other because well, that's love. 
  
  4. Mind control. This is key for me. I told you it was 'manipulable.' Brainwashing usually involves other people influencing your thought processes, but this is you taking control of what's rightfully yours. Like many new skills, it takes practice and has a learning curve. At first I pretended to have control. The pretending turned into a habit which transformed into an instinct. Now, every time I drink, it crops up like 'spidey sense.'
  
  Do you have an alcohol intake game plan? Care to share or add some new tips?
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