Thursday, 23 September 2010
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How Am I Supposed to Get Over You If I Don't Hate You?
Some of us are blessed (or, actually more like cursed) with having explosive break-ups with our SO's. In one of my many break-ups with my last boyfriend, I actually threw a bag full of his stuff at his moving car as it pulled out of my college apartment complex's parking lot, in front of tons of people. Along with his hoodies and gifts to me, my dignity went with it.
But, for some of us, we operate in a more civilized fashion. We end things amicably. Maturely. Without flying objects, profanity, and public humiliation.
Are these break-ups really any easier, though?
Do we really want our break-ups to be friendly? Wouldn't it sometimes be easier to move on if we knew that they never wanted to speak to us again?
A friend of mine is going through a very friendly break-up currently. They were involved in an LDR, and the guy, after only a few months, admitted that he didn't think he could put in the effort that he knew it took to be in this kind of a relationship. Better, she thought, that he say this now rather than drag it out for too long, or worse, cheat on her, and risk hurting her feelings more.
Right?
Well, of course it's always more complex than that. He's over it. He even wants to get together over the holidays to hang out. And they still talk. Every day.
Now correct me, Datingish readers, if you think I'm wrong, but if I'm in an LDR, and the guy tells me we're breaking up, but still talks to me just as much... how broken up can we really be?
My poor friend has had no time to heal, no time to wrap her head around the idea that this person was no longer her boyfriend, that she was free to date. Without a true break from him, she felt just as attached as if they were together, making it that much harder for her to move on.
She knows eventually she will have to make a clean break, because she knows she won't be happy just being friends. She doesn't blame him for the break-up... she actually thanked him for being so honest and forward about it. But still, I received this text from her yesterday.
All I want to do is hate him so I can get on with my life.
So now, let's throw it to you guys--
What is worse: An argument-filled clean break or the lingering feelings of moving straight into friendship with an ex? Any stories of advice to share with my friend?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (56)
You don't have to hate eachother. In fact, in relationships I feel like you can't really hate someone unless you love them..
Anyways, if you want to break up in a friendly way, you have to leave eachother. No contact. That's it. When the feelings are gone, then you can finally just be friends. This can take months, but it's the mature thing to do if you really want to get over someone.
Both situations are difficult, but in different ways. I know that I went through what was essentially a "friendly break-up", even though the guy I was seeing was not technically my boyfriend. We were friends with benefits--but I was clearly much more interested in him than he was in me. It was incredibly hard at first, but time heals all wounds. After a couple of months, I can now finally handle talking to him almost every day without hoping that we'll someday be more than friends. The question is: do you think it's worth it to suffer for a couple of months in order to maintain the friendship? If yes, then do so! It is entirely possible.
oh, for a second there i thought you we're referring to me.
i am in the same exact situation. we also ended our relationship because he moved away. he knew he wouldn't be able to put as much effort as i expect him to be if we we're in a relationship. our break was clean also, and like your friend, i can't move on. we still talk too! and i still want him.
everybody tells me i should stop talking to him first so i can really let go. but he makes me happy and i'm sure that's how your friend feels also, hence the reason why they still talk.
my point is, its kinda easier to definitely move on if the motivation is anger. unfortunately, its not always the case. for your friend, just distract her? i'm trying to go out as much, meet new people. much luck to your friend. i hope she feels better.. SIGH..
Who says you can't talk to your ex when you breakup with them? I've had friendly breakups before..
As long as she understand that she should move on..then it should be fine..
My (ex)-bf and I "broke up" this summer because he was moving overseas for 5 years...and we had only been dating for 6 months. To me, this was of course the logical choice as committing to something for 5 years when only knowing someone for 6 months seemed foolish. The only problem is that we ended on extremely amicable terms. We still talk. I still love him. You can't just "turn off" love, no matter how practical it may be.
I would much rather hate someone, have an awful break-up, and never speak to the person again, rather than still have feelings and talk to him and constantly wonder if the girl in the picture is his new gf or just a friend. I have a feeling I will always wonder "what if" with him, even though it was the only thing to do.
Being friends with an ex is tough, but definitely doable. Actually, I'm still pretty close to a couple of my exes, who I considered myself pretty serious with at some point. Hell, I talk to one of them almost every day. Yes, it did make it harder to cut the emotional ties after the breakup. It f'ing sucked. But now that I'm finally on the other end, I think their friendship was definitely worth the pain.
Most people think I'm nuts though...
That sounds exactly like what I'm going through. How badly does she want to get over him? With an LDR, I am convinced the only way to do it is to break off all contact. That's right- no facebook friends, no mutual friends who have your ex all over their walls, no AIM, no email, delete his number, and untag all photos. That's what I have done and it works quite well. I've even met a new guy and considered dating him as a possibility without so much as wondering about my ex's feelings or how much I still want to be with him.
The truth is, he's gone. He will probably never see her again in person. Don't let her hang out with him over the holidays because if the reason is that he can't commit to the effort, he won't change his mind at all by seeing her, so there's no point. She should tell him straight-up that she needs to be selfish right now and do what's best for her. And that means not talking for a while. No contact. I hope your friend finds the peace I have found.
I have not managed to be friends with an ex yet. I've tried but in my situation, he was the one who couldn't let it go. The best way is definitely to completely cut off communication for awhile; you don't just stop loving someone and sometimes it just hurts too much knowing you can't be romantic/intimate with them anymore.
I would honestly prefer neither. I don't know what happened to staying together through the ups and downs. But since it's never my decision whether I get dumped, I have some experience. I think it's good to keep a friend, but in the one case where she got nasty about it, it was nice to be able to get over her. I still think I'm going with the friendly option, though, because without it I wouldn't still have my bff.
I'm actually kind of in the same situation. My ex and I dated for almost two years before he decided that he wasn't ready to be in a serious committed relationship. However, he said he didn't want to lose me and wasn't ready to give me up to someone else so he asked me what I thought and what I think we should do. He explained that it was the timing that didn't work out and that he really hoped that we would get back together in the future (which is a lameass excuse to experiment with dating/etc.). So, instead of trying to make it work I just decided to let him go
because I could feel he wasn't giving 100% and I know I deserve to be
with someone who KNOWS he wants to be with me. Of course it hurt like hell to hear from someone you love that they aren't sure they want to be with you and what's worse is that it wasn't a bad breakup. We didn't lie or cheat on each other so I don't really have a reason to hate his guts. During the breakup I made it clear that I did not want him over, mess around, or be fwb. If you can't be with me emotionally then heck no, you can't be with me physically... We're still talking but only once a week. I guess he understands to give me my space. I've been keeping myself busy with school, work, catching up with friends, and dating other guys just to boost my self confidence and get my new life back on track.
@TheGirlWithIdeas@xanga - I agree with you, it's impossible to be truly friends and just friend with someone right after a break-up if communication is still happening constantly, but I do believe it's possible to be friends with certain ex-bfs after a long time.
I'm still friends with all my exes, and I never hated/hate them. There were times when I was peeved or pissed at them, but never to the point where I would hate them. But each person is different in their ways with breakups. And with my personality, I rather have them in my life as a friend now than to just completely erased them, resent them when I spent a lot of time with them in the past.
haha i also threw a whole bunch of one of my exes things at his moving car!
Ooof. I can relate. I would love to maintain a friendship with anyone I date after it falls out... but I'm learning sometimes it's just not going to happen. Especially if I wasn't the one to end the relationship. And as much as I have the right to not like the things my ex has done I just can't seem to hate her. But now that I'm pretty sure she hates me after what I told her I'm thinking I can finally move on now.
i would like a clean break up because i don't like having any hard feelings at all towards anyone. i believe that some things are just not meant to be so but that doesn't mean that we can't be friends or at least be civilized with each other. my last break up was so ugly. he made it so hard for me, was so cruel to me and said some hurtful things to me to hurt me and to make me get upset and leave him but it's hard either way.
I'm in this situation. And it sucks.
I'd rather "hate" someone...I mean, I don't want animosity necessarily, but I'd rather just cut ties. It's SO HARD to get on with my life when we talk like nothing ever changed. I feel like it re-breaks my heart every single day.
I'd rather know we're both done than to wonder, that's all.
I have two exes: one I absolutely cannot stand and wish would die (completely seriously) and one who I can tolerate and duel with once and a while.
The one I hate, I can honestly say I hate for a semi-justified reason of him being a lying, cheating, two-faced bastard, and the other. Well, we broke up pretty bogus-ly, but we're cool. We hang. There's Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments involved (no, I'm not 12) and we're just alrighty. I got over both pretty easily.
To be able to hate, you have to be able to love. In some ways, the friendly breakup is possibly the worst simply because as you say, there is no time for the roles to change in your head. If the contact continues whilst you are still trying to adapt to this new role, it can indeed slow down the whole process.
In some ways therefore I prefer my style of break up, whereby we simply drift off, agree to end the relationship, and then more or less drop out of each others lives. It's possibly not the most healthy way of dealing with things, but you know what? It works for me
God. I have no idea.
Ugh. My most recent ex and I went straight from together to friends. It's tricky, to say the least. We still say that we love each other, still say goodnight before we go to sleep - all of that good stuff. Really, the only difference is that I can kiss other boys now. So it really does make things a whole lot harder - especially the "getting over him" part.
Hmm..my current situation somewhat similar. My ex aka boss broke up with me over the summer on somewhat amicable terms and he moved away so we didn't communicate for several months then I moved to the same city and ended up transferring to his store..I thought things would be awkward due to the fact that I sent him a text professing my feelings about his immaturity to deal with things a week before I transferred, but lo and behold he's been nothing but civil to me.
Now we hang out and rock climb whether it's with other people our by ourselves. I know others have said you can't shut love off, but what if you can? I certainly feel like thats the case in this situation cause I enjoy his company as a friend and certainly don't see us dating. EVER. I'm still single and though I may not be distracted with a new guy [thank goodness] it's actually the city life that consumes my time.
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when me and my boyfriend broke up it wasnt because we hated each other, and now we are back together! I really truely feel like you have to have some serious resentment for a breakup to go thru sucessfully.. doesnt mean HATE , but not want to ever see that person again.
A brutal breakup makes it easier to move on because you have more reason.
couldn't tell you which one is worse...guys suck. period.