Tuesday, 21 September 2010
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Breaking My Mother's Heart: Living in Sin
As I begin the (possibly fruitless) search for post-graduation employment in New York City, my mother, clutching her rosary beads to her chest, gives me a stern look and asks, "If you get a job in the city... where will you live?"
The eternal struggle: Yes mom, my boyfriend and I want to live in sin... I mean... we want to move in together.
My boyfriend lives in Jersey City, New Jersey, about a 10 minute train ride from Manhattan. I was raised in upstate New York, about an hour commute by train. Although this is not the worst commute, it is an expensive one, and I can't live in my parents' house forever (nor should anyone want to). It's time to spread my wings, so to speak, and I know my parents are happy for me that I'm ready to move out.
But the line between the sensible thing to do and the right thing to do seem blurred in this situation.
My ultra-Catholic mom and I do agree on one thing: It makes no sense for my boyfriend and I to have separate apartments. We spend nearly all of our time together, and everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) knows that we're going to end up married at some point. Practically speaking, to pay two separate rents and utilities at this point in our lives is as sensible as taking that money and throwing it into the Hudson River. We may not have dotted the i's and crossed the t's, so to speak, but we're 100% committed to one another and have been for years.
"Your father and I would just feel better if you were engaged first."
Well, momma, here's the thing. I'd feel better if I had no student loans to pay off. My boyfriend would feel better if he won the lottery. However, our life is not a movie and these things are not realistic. For anyone who read my post a few weeks back on engagements without rings, (Liked It... Didn't Put a Ring On It.) you know we, the Datingish community, reached a sort of consensus (with a few exceptions) that the ring is the glue of the commitment of an engagement, so to be engaged without one seems, for lack of a better word, disengaging.
We want to get married. We just can't afford it right now. So am I supposed to live in my parents' house until we can, or throw money away on separate places, just so my boyfriend doesn't "get the milk for free?" (Nice expression right, ladies? Being called a cow is super-charming.)
"God doesn't want you to live with your boyfriend, Kerry. He wants you to live with your husband."
I don't think God wants me to be broke and miserable. And I really don't think God wants me to get married just because I want to move out of my parents' house. God has bigger fish to fry than my order of operations when it comes to marriage. (Sorry to pull you into this, God).
I'm not saying that I don't respect the religious parameters of marriage. I just truly believe that in 2010 for women, they're a little out of date. There's no dowry over my head, and my purpose in life isn't to vacuum your rug and cook your meals and birth your babies. I have my own plans and ambitions, and maybe that means that sometimes, things have to develop a little out of sequence.
"Your father and I didn't raise you to live in sin."
Guilt much? Ah, yes, a little motherly guilt. It's the Irish Catholic way. I love my parents, and I know that they wouldn't have a conversation like this with me if they weren't truly concerned for my salvation. But, when it comes down to it, we all do the best we can with the circumstances we are given. I know, and they've admitted, that if and when I do move in with my boyfriend, they will all zip their lips and get over it. At the end of the day, it doesn't change the person I am, morally or otherwise.
What do you guys think about "living in sin?" How much does your parents' opinion mean to you when making major decisions in your life?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (76)
I think my mom and dad would be upset. Not so much that they'd forbid it or anything but they'd hate the idea of me moving in with a man period. lol.
But sometimes people surprise you. My grandma has always been pretty religious and when I accidentally let it slip about my cousin moving in with her boyfriend she didn't get upset. She just asked that we passed along a word of caution against getting pregnant lol.
I hear this one, and it's really hard to face. I know I don't feel like I can talk to my mom and dad even about dating someone with out them freaking out. But I also understand where they come from on the point. But as you say the rules feel a little out dated when women have their own jobs homes and lives with nothing to do with a man in them.
It's a hard choice but the thing is seems to me in a setup like you have with your SO it's all going to come out in the wash.
Oddly enough I've heard of people getting married in a court then living together then going through the church part of it and somehow that seems ok with everyone... Seems really odd and like such a fine line it's almost not there, seems to me.
I think it has a lot more to do with what people will think of you and how they will react then you "disobeying" God. I believe you have your mindset on track. God is great but He doesn't help pay the bills or the college loans and I honestly don't think he would mind that you're just trying to better your relationship with your boyfriend while trying to save money.
My parents and I recently had a similar argument. They wanted me to promise to never have sex again until I get married again. I am recently divorced, and used to having it regularly. And while I have no desire to go out and find a new guy every night, I am realistic and know that if I start seriously dating someone, it will happen. So my parents told me I was an ungodly reprobate who was going to hell, and told me to promise them or move out.
I move out in 3 weeks. Be glad at least that your parents are willing to shut their mouths about it.
Do whatever makes you the happiest. Your parents should be happy if you are happy. It's not all about them. You have your own brain, your own wants and desires, and you are your own person!
Me and my fiance have been living in sin for about 2 years now. My parents are fine with it but his mom says we are living in sin.
Get this, my parents have been happily married for 25 years, and his mom has been divorced twice and is currently single.
We do everything together, support eachother, and love eachother. We have known we were meant to be together since we met 6 or 7 years ago. We are pretty much married minus the paperwork and stupid inflated wedding expenses thanks to materialistic losers that care more about table decorations than the men they are marrying.
"I don't think God wants me to be broke and miserable. And I really don't
think God wants me to get married just because I want to move out of my
parents' house. God has bigger fish to fry than my order of operations
when it comes to marriage."
If you read the Bible, God does care about whether you're married or not before you have sex and live together. Marriage is an example of Jesus and the Church (believers): Jesus loved us and willingly sacrificed himself to save us, and a husband should love his wife the same way. You being holy to God is more important than you saving some money while living in sin, which separates you from Him.
Also, if you're having sex and living together before marriage, then there isn't much to look forward to when actually getting married, right? The free milk example is true--why would your boyfriend want to get married if you're already commited to each other and living together, having sex, etc?
And getting married doesn't have to be super expensive. There are ways to cut the costs, and the significance of marriage is of two people becoming one, choosing each other over all the other people in the world to be with each other, even when things get hard. It's not just an "outdated tradition".
I didn't read the post completely, but I don't think being married = broke.. unless u want a expensive wedding.. if not, u can always get married at court. I know that doesn't sound like the most romantic thing, but it's the truth. So being married have nothing to do with being broke
And I understand not everyone is religious, and I am glad you respect people's religions. However, I don't agree on certain beliefs become "outdated" because it's the " 2010", That have nothing to do with each other, religion is religion, it's based on God, not .." 2010/today's culture" or whatever.
@cute_sushi@xanga - I definitely understand all of your points, and they were well stated.
I probably should have clarified that I am not a particularly spiritual person while my parents are, so my conflict has more to do with upsetting them than my own spiritual conflicts with God.
I definitely wasn't calling marriage outdated, just the concept that we can all happily and affordably live separate lives until we are ready to tie the knot.
Hmmm.... My parents don't really judge my life so I'm not sure how I'd tackle that one.
I'd probably say to just get married in the court. If you really love him and want to be with him forever and just don't have the money to get married, just go to the court and sign the papers. The ring and the wedding don't really matter much. They're just superficial bullshit that little girls like to dream about when they're little. If you really love someone you'll be with them "for better or for worse" which does include broke or not broke.
After that I'd have one of those vow renewal ceremonies whenever you can afford a big wedding and rings.
Everyone wins, lol.
I agree totally with your Mom. Get Married and have lots of kids. Love, Mr. G
Wow, this is exactly my situation. Ultra-Catholic mother, my boyfriend and I live together without her knowing. It is a secret that I hate having because I don't think she should judge me for my life choices. I am in a committed relationship with a man who loves me--isn't that good enough?
I don't care about "living in sin." I actually prefer it that way. At least I make reasonable choices and am happy that way. :)
30 years ago when my parents got married, they had lived in sin for several years. In face, my mother encourages it. better to find out now if you can/can't live with someone than later when you are married to them...
Commitment, marriage is about a commitment. I heard too many stories about couples living together ( 5-10-15 years) until they were financially ready to marry or have kids or buy a house. There is never a good time, there is always something. But then again, this only my opinion.
Luckily my parents were fine with me moving in with my boyfriend. In fact, my mom was the one who suggested it. It was the sensible thing to do since I got a job in South Carolina and that's where my boyfriend lives. My parents live in Maryland. However, I do recognize that not everyone's parents are that easy going about it. When it comes down to it, your parents just have to trust that you can make the right decision for you. If you think that moving in together is right for you and your boyfriend, and you're not doing it just because its convenient but because you really think it would be beneficial, then go ahead. You seem to have made your decision already, and it sounds like your parents wouldn't see you differently just because of it, so I say do what you feel is right for you.
My mom and I are in the same place. She says she would prefer me not to live with my boyfriend, but really I can't live without him (due to current medical conditions) and I just all around like living with him. He doesn't stay at my house all the time, he goes back to his house from time to time(which is his parents and only 10 min away).
I respect my mom, but I am 21 and this is MY life, not hers.@cute_sushi@xanga - Okay, this is something that bugs me every time I read it.
What makes people believe that "there isn't anything to look forward to once you get married if you have premarital sex"? Why do people keep insinuating that your significant other will no longer desire you after making that decision? Is every single man or woman truly afraid of commitment?
If you believe that, then I feel sorry for you and everyone else who does. The point of being together with a person you love and knowing you'll spend the rest of your lives together means that no matter what happens you'll always feel the same. Marriage shouldn't change that. Other than being legally bound, for those who are religious being seen by god as a couple for life and, even for some, taking a step that is a huge testament of your love, marriage should not ultimately determine true love and companionship.
I'm marrying my boyfriend eventually, in a few years, but only to appease my family. If it were up to us we probably wouldn't. It's not such a big deal to us. We're also planning to move in together, pre-marriage. That won't harm us in any way.
That said, I respect your religious view on marriage and wish you the best in life.
@xjadersx@xanga - Very true.
I live with my boyfriend only because of bad circumstances but honestly, I don't regret it. Honestly, I'm a Christian...and I know how you feel but I do whatever makes me happy. Whatever is right for me. I don't factor in anything my parents want or their opinions about what I do with my life.
I've done great without them..
But do whatever you wanna do without their opinions. You should be happy.
aw yeah my parents are really religious.. but honestly, i really do not think theres ever a reason why you should ever move in with your boyfriend, ever. like if you're married than obviously- but besides that, i think its a shitty idea, id take your parents advice, not because i think its 'terrible' but because i think you'll regret it, you really dont want to be stuck in that situation. and its more special if you wait till marriage, thats honestly how i think it should be done
to each their own i suppose.
also i think its good not to go that route because you do realize that every single boyfriend tells their girlfriend he wants to get married, generally, if they've been in a long term relationship.. right??
you never know whats going to happen, and being in that situation would be really really rough. and i just think it'd be exciting to wait to live together, and it'll be special when you see each other until that point (even though it should always be special) im just saying i think it'd be nice, and have a big beautiful wedding before. i just dont think any of the reasons were good enough, i know im waiting. and i guess what you do will be what you do but please don't do it to 'rebel' or because of the lack of money or because you're thoroughly convinced you'll spend the rest of your life together.. i really dont think its the time to take that step until the rings on your finger and you walk down the aisle.
so yeah,
I'm having the opposite problem. I'd rather stay at home and save up while commuting down to the city, but my mom wants me to move in with my boyfriend.
"I'm not saying that I don't respect the religious parameters of
marriage. I just truly believe that in 2010 for women, they're a little
out of date. There's no dowry over my head, and my purpose in life
isn't to vacuum your rug and cook your meals and birth your babies. I
have my own plans and ambitions, and maybe that means that sometimes,
things have to develop a little out of sequence."
LOVED this part.
well....the way i see it....it's your life. not your parents. in the end they're not the ones who has to live with your boyfriend or marry him. YOU do. and you have to do what's best for YOU. so many times i try to explain to my parents that my life isn't about their pride it's about my happiness.
oh and sometimes it's better to live with your SO before marriage. that way you see all their annoyingly annoying habits and things that irk you lol. and that way you see if you two are compatible living together, what's the sense in finding out you drive each other absolutely nuts AFTER you spent thousands of dollars on a wedding?
most of my family are religious but my mother and I aren't. I think that's why I rejected religion even if some of my family preaches to me about how it turns your life around,etc, I don't like the guilt trips that they try to impose on you. I don't care about anyones' opinion other than my mother, so since she isn't religious, then I'm free to do whatever I want without feeling guilty. when my religious family members tried to lecture her about her liberal parenting skills, she said that all she wants is for me to be happy, so she isn't pressuring me to choose anything that I don't want to. I'm not religious but I personally wouldn't live with someone that I wouldn't/haven't married and I know some can live together just fine without these extra paperworks but that's their choice. however, I'd like a traditional wedding even if it isn't technically necessary, but I think it is like I'm reaching a huge goal in my life similar to when people graduate high school or college, why can't they just pass out the diplomas and be quickly done with it, but you wear the graduation gown and hat, walk down the aisle to receive your diploma, while the family and friends that you invited are there to witness and celebrate your success and happiness with you...and that's how I view a marriage ceremony, I want to share it with my loved ones, whether it be a big or small celebration. once again, to each their own.
ugh, what is this ring obsession? but for the most part, i think you're right. your parents want you to get married for the wrong reasons.
I just had this same conversation with my mother. She's not really a Godly type of person but she does think I should be married to my boyfriend before we move in together or at least be engaged. Im in no means ready to get married....yet. I'm 18 and he's 29. I mean he has a steady job and I go to school sooooo the costs of a wedding would be payed by my parents and him and possibly his parents. I don't really want a huge wedding anyway and i'm not getting married at the age of 18. However, being engaged is a whole different story. If she really truly believed that we had to AT LEAST be engaged, then he would definitely do it (he wants to get engaged once our anniversary roles around). BUT since I don't believe in the whole old day way of thinking, I think it's totally alright for us to be living together in sin.