Saturday, 18 September 2010

• 5 Ways to Sneakily Get Your Girl Wasted

  

  Editor's Note: this post has received an unprecedented amount of controversy, and for good reason. While the effectiveness and intention of the author can be debated, we want to make it clear that Datingish does not and will never condone any sexual activity that is not consensual. To read our statement of reply to the feedback we've received on this post, please go here.

  We all know that ladies are more fun when they’re drunk.

  They curse more, laugh more, and are more receptive to fondling.

  So of course we bros want to get our dates as intoxicated as possible, without going too far. Because dragging a blackout drunk girl up the stairs is sketchy, but giving a piggy-back ride to the bedroom while your gal squeals with delight is the bomb.

  With that in mind, here are five ways to move your beauty past her two-drink ceiling and into the panties-playtime zone:

   

  Don’t Let Her Eat

  Crunkocity 101 teaches us to eat a full meal before drinking heavily, so tell your date that you’ll have food for her at your place. Then, give her some Tostitos and maybe the few scoops of hummus still floating around your fridge.

   

   

  Sure this isn’t “food” per se, but if she’s dumb enough to get with jerks like us, then she probably isn’t smart enough to get some food in her stomach before getting her booze on.

   

  Put Your Vodka in the Freezer

  Extreme coldness takes the burn out of that atrocious vodka you bought for $9.79 a bottle. That way, you can pour her a stronger drink. She probably wants a vodka soda.

  Oh, and if you have some flavored vodka, you can even make her a “fancy” drink. A modicum of effort here will pay dividends in the bedroom.

   

  Use Grapefruit Juice as a Mixer

  Grapefruit juice has a chemical in it that strongly masks alcohol odors. That’s why a Greyhound, or a vodka and grapefruit juice, is an alcoholic’s drink of choice.

  If she can’t taste the booze, then she won’t know how much she’s going to have.

   

  Ply Her with Bubbly

  Champagne and Prosecco have a unique effect.

  There’s something about the bubbles that go straight to your head. (It’s double effective on women… Maybe it has to do with X chromosomes?)

  Unfortunately, your date will be very sleepy, very fast, so you have a narrow window in which to operate. Unless, that is, you’re into unconscious chicks. But you’re classier than that -- right, bro?

   

  Make Her do a Handstand

  A few months ago, I was playing Truth or Dare with some friends, including a particularly attractive young lady.

  She had been tipsily bragging all night about her amateur gymnastics career back in the day, so when it was her turn, and she took “Dare,” I dared her to do a handstand for 30 seconds.

  The fun juice rushed to her head and she was drunk until 3:30 in the morning.

  If you catch my drift.

   

  Dude, you are SO getting lucky tonight. Just make sure you DO NOT stock any Smirnoff Ices or Mike’s Hards, because then she’ll just sip those all night, and she’ll only ACT drunk. She’ll sober up reeeaaal quick when you start with the funny business.

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