Today, I was surfin’ the interwebs as usual, and stumbled across a website that listed various sorts of condoms (all right, I may have googled “hilarious condoms.”).
Turns out, people get pretty creative when they wrap their man presents.
Glow in the Dark Condoms:Ever wonder what it would be like to have sex with Tinkerbell? Clap if you believe in your man’s penis!
These condoms apparently are effective against pregnancy and STDs, and make for a “fun, thrilling evening” (even if they make your boyfriend’s junk look like that chunk of radioactive metal that gets stuck to Homer’s back on the Simpson’s intro). And just in case you need a mood spoiler, get ready to hear sentences like this come out of your man’s mouth: “Hey babe, hold on a second. I’ve gotta leave my penis in direct light for 30 seconds to make it glow more vividly.”
Flavored condomsConsider these five objects: strawberries, chocolate cake, cheeseburgers, popcorn, and flavored condoms. What’s the odd one out? Flavored condoms. Why? Because they DON’T TASTE GOOD. Putting flavoring on a condom is like playing Daughtry to drown out a Nickelback song: you’re just covering up something fairly gross with something EVEN WORSE. Plus, unless these condoms are sugar-free, you really shouldn’t go having sex with one of them on—the lady’s vaginal pH levels will probably be thrown off, and she’ll get a yeast infection. If you don’t know what that is, you don’t want to.
Pleasure Shaped Condoms
If you want your boyfriend’s penis to look like a Mister Softee cone, or a turret on Queen Frostine’s Ice Cream palace, slap on one of these babies. They’re sort of… bulbous on top, which apparently enhances pleasure. Personally, I think it’d feel a little weird, but I guess I can’t knock it ‘til I’ve tried it.
Colored CondomsMan, I wish I had known about these during World Cup season. Did you know that they sell condoms that are adorned with the colors of over 40 different countries’ flags? Crazy. Where do they sell these things? Whenever I go condom shopping, all I see is the “tropical” or “her pleasure” or the ever-so-frightening “extra thin (EXTRA GUARANTEED TO BREAK AND GET YOU PREGNANT)” variety.
Tingling Pleasure CondomsSo… they’re covered in spearmint lube. And apparently that’s okay to put in your hoo-hoo, and it tastes good too. I don’t… I don’t… well, I’m intrigued. It’s supposed to tingle a little. I guess it’s kind of like a mint for your vagina?
Have any of you tried any of these? Or better yet, do you know where the hell they’re sold?
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Comments (34)
I've seen some Pleasure Shaped Condoms at Walmart and other places...
The rest? Probably at a sex specialty shop or something..
hahaha mint for your vagina. soo... when you queef its refreshing!!!!! hahahah
they also have tuxedo condoms in a black color as a psuedo-shirt tie
I've seen the variety condom pack on ebay with a few styles of each
which includes the glow in the dark and others, such as the condom with a heated lubricant, ribbed, studded, etc. so I was curious
hahahaha "extra guaranteed to rip and get you pregnant"
Glow in the dark condoms are helpful!
I've never actually used anything but the trusted Trojans, in some instances the magnums(yes!). I have bought some great novelty ones for the hell of it. Gas station bathrooms all over this great country offer the best array of condoms. Glow in the dark, flavored, assorted, shaped...etc. can all be in found in those seedy, stinky bathrooms...so seedy, stinky people can use them in seedy, stinky motel hotels...or so classy citizens like myself can use them for entertainment when I'm drunk. God knows I wouldn't trust them to hold a drip of water without breaking...entertainment only, you mint flavored 5 year old condom!
PS - I love your posts. I can always trust that they'll be interesting and funny.
@yarnballs@xanga - ha ha ha ha ha ha! Certainly is a way to cover up anything not so fresh
@PandaCobain@xanga - not to be terrible but that sounds like the kind a pedophile would use
@yarnballs@xanga - I actually laughed out loud reading this. Props :)
first and foremost, i LOVE your daughtry/nickelback analogy. second, the tingly ones sound kind of interesting. and third, the flavored ones are icky.
I like the tingling kinds..haha.
"Putting flavoring on a condom is like playing Daughtry to drown out a Nickelback song." this is the best thing i have ever heard. hahaha.
uhhhm, these are all strange. my boyfriend thought it would be cool to try this tingling lube once, but it felt more like my vagina had caught on fire. don't do it.
They're certainly no sold at Victoria's Secret... I would have known about them by now!
I think they sound fun to play around with actually. :/ As for the flavored ones, I pray to god they're for blowjobs. There'd be no point of a flavored condom for regular old intercourse. Yeast infection issue: solved. Well, the pleasure shaped ones and colored ones look stupid actually..
@srsly__x@xanga - Same here! Maybe I'm a wimp or something, one of my sisters had the same experience but the other says we're crazy, it's awesome.
@PandaCobain@xanga - hee hee. I would too!
hello kitty condoms :)
Tingily ones are cool. I would totally wanna try the glow in the dark ones just for luls XD.
"Putting flavoring on a condom is like playing Daughtry to drown out a Nickelback song: you’re just covering up something fairly gross with something EVEN WORSE." <-- This wins so much.
Trojan Fire & Ice.
...but to some people it feels like their vagina's on fire.
I'm gonna go get some glow in the dark ones.. The sight of it might make my day in the future.
The health department by my house gave me some colored ones.. I've got every color in the rainbow but I'm not gonna use those.. The sight of them makes me smile though
I honestly think they oughta put flavory stuff on the inside of the condom... the latex flavor they leave behind is Horrendous.
The minty ones are pretty unique, and not in a bad way. It's been awhile since I've used one but they aren't bad.
"Putting flavoring on a condom is like playing Daughtry to drown out a Nickelback song"
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Amazing. One of the best quotes ever. Hands down.
I don't know about any of these, but my roommate used to use "extra thin" condoms and I rolled my eyes at her. Then I was the one who ended up getting pregnant from a condom malfunction, so I guess the joke's on me!
Also, once when I was visibly pregnant I went to buy condoms for a co-worker and his girlfriend (long story) and when I got to the isle I started freaking out- it's a personal thing to choose for someone else! So I called my friend and was like "hey, what kind of condoms should I buy for Andres???" and she was like "Um, whatever kind you DIDN'T use, Preggers"
The BF and I have used colored ones before because they were free from a planned parenthood center... the black one was kind of funny... kind of weird.
Also, we only use (for the most part) the extra-thin ones, and we haven't had one break (and we've been "together" sexually since January). Fyi.
I almost used an orange flavored condom once. Turned out I was allergic to it and I broke out in hives on my hands and arms. To this day I thank god that he never stuck it in. Hives down there would not be pretty.
Flavored condoms taste worse than dick. And I don't know why it matters what the condom looks like. It's not like you're going to see it. Does it serve some sort of extraneous function I'm not aware of?