Friday, 17 September 2010
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The Big Girl, Little Guy Complex
If Tom Cruise can get away with being so much smaller than his ladies, should it bother the rest of us?
In an advice column appearing in the OC Register, a California news publication, I stumbled upon this interesting letter. Here's a segment:
"I’m 23, and my girlfriend of a couple months is 20. I’m taller than her, although I’m only 5-foot-7, and very thin (I weigh less than she does). She’s mentioned several times that she’s never been with somebody so thin, making me think it’s a problem for her. I just have the feeling that she’s not that turned on by me. I know I’m not as big as my guy friends, and I don’t care. I don’t need to be as big to get their respect. Could this be a childish hangup she’ll outgrow? While I’d never threaten to break up if she’s simply not in the mood (which she seems to not be a lot), I need the physical to go with the emotional. There must be something I can do to spice up our love life."
Props to this guy for not letting this chick or his guy friends emasculate him.
However, could it be that this situation has his girl feeling a little de-feminized? (Yes, I just made up that word.)
I consider myself to be a relatively confident individual. However, this is an issue that is near to my heart.
I dated a guy for awhile who weighed about as much as me, and as much as I hate to admit it, having a relationship with a super-skinny guy put pressure on me to stay thin in my own mind. He never brought up my weight (as no good boyfriend does) but because he had a thyroid problem that made it difficult for him to gain weight, I always knew about how much he weighed all the time. It didn't necessarily change how attracted I was to him, but it did affect my image of myself, because at the time, I felt like as the girl I should be smaller than him.
And then, of course, there's my current boyfriend. We are exactly the same height (even though he swears up and down he has a quarter of an inch on me). We've been together for four years, and only recently have I finally felt completely confident going out in heels with him. In the past, I would try to wear a low heel or a flat because I didn't want to be an Amazon in public next to him. At the same time, I also didn't want to embarrass him by magnifying his shortness.
Do you think these height and weight gender stereotypes in relationships truly exist? Or do those involved in them just need to get a little more self-confident?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (55)
well, yeah, the stereotypes exist. it's a complicated thing. it's hard for some guys to get over the height thing, which makes me respect those who don't seem to be bothered by it.
It took me two years before standing completely straight next to my fiancée. He's a couple inches taller, but most of the time, you can't tell. I hardly ever wear heels, but when I do, I'm close to six feet tall. It's hard being so tall, but a good friend of mine once pointed out "All the models are tall, and in my eyes, all the gorgeous ladies are really tall! Look at those legs, little miss! Wow." Now, she' like six inches shorter then me, but she made me feel great. <3 I'm still a little eh about being about his height, having always dated guys over six foot, but I'm getting better about it.
I'm pretty tall for a girl- 5'10"- and my ex used to make a huge deal about how i was a few inches taller than him. Height has never bothered me, but it drives me crazy when guys get sensitive about my height. It's not like it's something I can help! :/
people need to be less hindered by these stereotypes of gender ideals.
My husband is 5'7 and I'm 5'3. He's got a few inches on me but I have about 20-25 lbs on him. He actually has a fantastic figure...muscular but not squat at all. I am attracted to him but I have to admit that I really wish I weighed less that him. I really hated when I was pregnant. It looked like I was gigantor the blob and he was kermit the frog. I don't strive to look smaller than him in an obsessive way but I do think about it at least once a week. I would actually be happy if I lost 10 lbs. and he gained 10 lbs...it would be a good compromise but there I go; wishing we were closer in weight. I do wear heels though and I will always wear them! Even if my husband was a midget!
@Clumsy_Alice@xanga - It would be Fiancé for a guy and Fiancée for a girl to let you know ~
Though I've never dated a extremely skinny guy..though I think most guys are worried about the girl being taller than them.
I'm '4.9" so everyone beats me ~ And my bf actually bigger than me..>.>
I don't mind if he is only slightly taller than me as long as he has a considerably longer armspan to easily wrap his arms around me like a straight jacket. I just like those type of comfy suffocatingly secure hugs. I'm a tiny person, so all of the guys that I've liked or been with have been bigger than me even if they are thin. I haven't dated anyone shorter than me though. it is one thing to be taller than him while wearing heels but I prefer if he is still taller than me when I'm wearing flat shoes. it is just my preference and what I'm attracted to. hugs aren't the same if he is tinier/shorter than me. great big hugs is one of my mandatory requirements.
I just had a similar experience and came to the same conclusion that women that have issues with their femininity can have those stoked by a guy that isn't masculine in comparison to her.
Height is one issues but in my situation is was weight and hand size. She felt she had man-hands and indeed they were bigger than mine though she was my height. I guess some girls need men of a certain frame not just because it "looks better" for him to be taller but to make them feel more like a woman but some girls need physical features of a man that help them feel safe... or a combo.
I am usually self conscious if I am bigger than my SO. Especially width wise. A guy is suppose to protect me, I'm not suppose to protect him. ;)
As far as height goes....for the most part it is an issue for girls. Sure some insecure guys can't date a girl taller than her....but most guys totally would. On the flip side, many girls do not want to date a guy shorter than them.
i've tended to be attracted to guys on the shorter side with like .. proportionate, medium sized bodies as an ideal, but i'd date much taller guys too, if i liked them overall. as long as my boyfriend is bigger than me, it works, and that's not hard to accomplish. my current boyfriend is 5'6 and 135 lbs and he still has me beat by a pretty good deal.
i once dated a guy who was an inch shorter than me and 10 lbs smaller. it was actually kind of freakish. i don't think i've ever met a guy that small before. i wasn't able to be attracted to him at all, partly because he made me feel "big" (and, yes, defeminized - i definitely agree with what you said about that), and partly because he also had really small, light bones and felt like.. breakable. it felt like i had a small child on me every time we hugged or cuddled. hopefully, he can find a nice girl who is about 5'0" one day. or a taller girl who has no complexes about being larger than her boyfriend, lol.
My boyfriend is maybe 3-4 cm taller than me. He doesn't like it when I wear heels. So, I choose to make myself look even shorter and wear flats :(
I would feel really insecure if I was bigger than the guy I was dating, both height-wise and weight-wise.
It would definitely be something I would struggle with!My boyfriend has nicer legs than I do. He has smaller hips and waist - not that I'm fat, but my build (my bones) is just thicker and wider. My God, his body is beautiful and I love standing next to him. XD
I wouldn't date a short guy (basically somebody as tall as me and shorter) again but it has nothing to do with how it looks beside me. It's more on the fact that I feel good when tall people hug me. >_>;
i'm about 5'1" so i've never had an issue dating a guy shorter than me. however, i almost dated a guy who was 5'5" and weighed a few pounds less than me and now i'm dating someone who is 6'1" and has a waist as thin as mine. it does make me want to stay thin and i suppose it makes me slightly (but just ever so slightly) self-conscious about my weight, but if they don't care then why should i?
Yeah they exist. My ex was the same height as me and I hated it. I always wished I was shorter and was reaaaally careful with what shoes I wore. I think that has had some effects since then too. A few weeks ago, I drank a little too much and went on a search for "tall guys." Not even kidding.
i've always been bigger weight wise, which made me feel pretty insecure. and my first boyfriend was a few inches taller than me, but we looked right about the same height. my last boyfriend was over a foot taller than me, but he was skinny as a rail. i looked like a meatball standing next to a strand of spaghetti!
generally, i prefer the guys to be bigger, height and weight wise, but i've seen couples who were the same and they were cool with it. i like couples that are a little different but don't let it affect their relationship.
i get like that. i mean i tend to date guys on the thin side, but.. if they are thinner than me i get self-conscious. recently my boyfriend was like: "ohh, i lost some weight, now i'm back down to such-and-such weight". and the weight he named was only like 10 pounds more than i weigh. :( so then i made a mental note to lose some weight... i'm mental about weight issues, though, so it could just be me.
and i think "defeminizing" is a good word to describe it. i hate feeling like the boy in the relationship. and this can be part of feeling that way, for some girls anyway.
the only time i've ever been taller than a significant other is when i dated a boy who was in 9th grade, i was still in middle school, 8th grade, i was taller than about an inch, i was about 5'2"..now i'm still 5'2", i'm about to turn 21, my husband is 6'1" or 6'2" & is 21, so my husband is about a foot taller than me, i have always been the short one in the group and in couples, it would be weird to tower over a guy and it's strange when i see men that are my height because i'm even short for a girl my age. also the most my husband has weighed is 100 lbs more than me lol, i stay around 100 lbs & after he broke a collarbone a couple of years ago he gained like 30 lbs and was a little over 200 for a while, not sure what he is now though
Yes, the stereotypes do exist, but I sincerely wish they didn't. Isn't that true about all stereotypes though? I also think it's possible to overcome them. I've been interested in many different sizes of men, most of them shorter than me (mainly because I'm pretty tall...haha). Give the shorter guys (and girls) a chance ladies and gentleman! They're just as sexy (maybe even more so) than us taller folks.
I'm really attracted to skinny guys, even though I'm not skinny at all. I also don't like guys who are too broad, even though I'm quite broad. Yeah, I guess I like the opposite of me. When it comes to height though, I'd rather they only be a few inches taller. I'm about 5ft6/7, and I feel self-conscious and too small next to guys who are over 6 foot. Being with skinny guys does make me feel insecure, but only in the bedroom. I'm quite big boned, and I've got wide hips. After bein with my ex (who was skinny) for 2.5 years I feel like I've gotten over it. Most guys I seem to like are skinnier than me.
I think they do still exist. Even with women becoming more independent and gender roles disappearing, I think many people still expect the man to be bigger than the woman in a relationship, and that's what most people seem to want in their own relationships. But I don't necessarily think that's something that needs to change. You are either sexually attracted to someone or you aren't. Trying to force yourself to feel sexually attracted to someone just so you can prove you aren't "shallow" is stupid, and it only frustrates you both in the end. You feel horrible because you can't make yourself be sexually attracted to them, and they begin to pick up on the fact that you aren't as eager to fool around as they'd like you to be. I would never want to be with someone who was just trying to prove they weren't shallow. I want to be with someone who genuinely is attracted to me.
That being said, sometimes people do become sexually attracted to people who don't fit the mold they had in their mind. My current crush is about 5'8" or 5'9" (I'm 5'8"). He could probably fit into my clothes. And I think he's incredibly attractive just the way he is. So attractive, I don't even know what I saw in bigger men when I was younger. I used to only notice really tall guys, not necessarily big, but at least big enough so that there was no way they could fit into my skinny jeans. What caused this change in my mind, I don't know, but I now know it happens. It just can't be forced. You either feel attraction or you don't.
These stereotypes do exist, absolutely.
My husband is allegedly an inch taller than me (he's 5'11) but he only is if he has shoes on. If we're both barefoot, I'm a little taller, which has taken quite a toll on my posture! It doesn't bother me, and has never bothered him. He's also very narrow, and I'm not. His hands are bigger than mine, and so are his feet (just a little though!) Mine face is no bigger than his, and I think that would be the only thing I would get self conscious about, if mine was bigger.
Now, I met a guy at school whose license said 5'11, and I had 3-4 inches on him. WHO measured him?! Men tend to lie about their height
I don't know if it is because I'm self-confident, or because I enjoy being masculine, but I'm taller than my boyfriend and I don't care.
I hate short guys... sorry but even a few inches taller than me isn't enough... it reminds me of middle school dating where we went through the awkward holding hands phase... my men are normally 5"8/5"9+
:) My lover right now is nearly 6"1=perfect :) And I'm only 5"3 and 3 quarters so I'm smaller than most guys lol.