Yesterday, I baked a pie with a few of my friends. Once the smell of apples and vanilla mingling started to permeate the house, my friend John came downstairs. “Hey are you guys… are you guys making pies?” I nodded. “Yeah sweetie! You want some pah?” He sighed and shook his head. “Lisa and I always used to make pies…”
A couple of weeks ago, he had broken up with his girlfriend of three years. She didn’t cheat on him, he didn’t cheat on her, and neither of them was abusive. Quite simply, they split because their relationship was no longer romantic.
John told me that he had been thinking for a year or so that they were only together out of obligation—that their love had become platonic, and that their passion for each other had fizzled away.
Each time their fingers touched, it became less of a pop rock snap and more of a dull, gray, friendly brush. When he told me their story, I couldn’t help but marvel over the maturity of their separation. It makes sense, splitting up with someone because your relationship has turned into friendship. Honestly though, I don’t know if I could do it. It’s easy for me to blur the lines between friendship and love, and impressive when people can easily separate the distinction.
Have any of you left someone because the spark was just gone?
Recommend
Comments (89)
That is mature. Most people want (or start) drama before they have the courage to break up.
I left because there was never a spark to begin with. Never going to give "a nice guy a chance" when I don't have feelings for them. What a stupid idea.
As for my man of 3 years.... I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him or when we touch. Lots of passion still there lol.
It's too bad more people can't see that and act accordingly. I think that's why there are so many bad marriages in the US (partially, aside from everything else in this messed up country). People's relationships slide into friendships but they've got an apartment or a house together or maybe a kid so they just go through the motions that they "should" go through, making things more serious.
Good post. :)
I've never seen the spark last in real life..
i've heard of this many times.
but this doesn't always happen. just because someone got cheated on and they left doesn't mean it's an immature break up. but i applaud your friend and his ex for handling things the way they're supposed to be handled once the spark dies.
I have had a few relationships die out because I lost the initial attraction. My belief is that those relationships were initiated because of physical attraction and not because of the qualities each person possessed. You truly need to start a relationship by knowing the person from the inside out to make a lasting relationship. I am saying this off of seeing peoples relationships that work well.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - I know several people who have great relationships of 20+ years. It's truly magical. Don't give up hope.
the only spark I've gotten from someone was from a stun gun.
My ex and I split for that very reason.
Sometimes I think that that is what my relationship has come to.
But I'm too much of a wuss to deal with it.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - My great grandparents celebrated their 67th or 68th anniversary this year. They got married when she was 16. The spark is still there. You can tell that their love for each other hasn't dwindled down at all. Both sets of my grandparents are headed the same way.
Don't give up. It can happen.
@inthehours - You know you're just hurting yourself and your girlfriend by not dealing with it.
I think it's great that there are people out there who can have civil, mature breakups. People just have to accept that things aren't working sometimes, and move on.
I've done that. I stuck around about a year too long, though. He was a super sweet man, very caring, just an all around good person. We even lived together & he moved out of state with me when I started law school. But you can't force attraction that isn't there anymore, and both of us deserve to be in relationships that make us just *swoon*.
I've never heard of people do this. Kinda surprised.
@haloed@xanga - Does that mean officially assholes FTW?
It's not neccessarily mature to break up just because you don't see fireworks anymore. This is going to happen in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP if it lasts long enough. Even if you look at your grandparents and say "No they've always been sooooo in love!", they have gone through it too. Look at life! Nothing is perfect forever, but that doesn't mean it's a one-time thing in a relationship. You can get it back, you just have to open your eyes. Of course, there are cases when you lose it because you realize that you're not right for eachother, but thats another story.
Now, we don't know the situation so my response may not be the case. But, every older person who I've met (I'm talking 80's and 90's here) has told me to marry my best friend because sex and romanticism do not last.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Agreed.
@lforletty@xanga - yup, same here.
Hmm, I'm not sure I would consider this a good reason. Knowing the 5 stages of a relationship and how the very first stage, the honeymoon stage, can last up to 2 years at most, methinks they might have moved past the stage of sparks and butterflies then decided to split. In fact, that stage is only the first of a real relationship - the next 4 have very little to do w/ sparks and all that jazz and if you ever want a real lasting relationship you're going to have to get past the wanting sparks all the time b/c it does not last. Hollywood and movies teach us to want those things, they show us the honeymoon stage, when the reality is that isn't what a real relationship is composed of. Its estimated that only 5% of couples ever reach the final and 5th stage. With all our delusions about romance and sparks no wonder why so few couples get there.
Sometimes the spark goes away, but there are definitely ways to handle it besides break up. You can't expect a spark to be there forever because eventually you get comfortable with the person or you just spend so much time with a person that you don't notice it anymore. I'm sure a lot of people will argue with me about this. Of course, there are exceptions and every relationship is different, but for the most part, at times the spark will go away. My parents have been married for 25 years and they've told me before that sometimes the spark goes away, but they wouldn't get a divorce because they do love each other and sometimes they're just too busy to try and get the spark going again, but eventually they'll do it. Sometimes you have to make the spark yourself and work on it. My boyfriend and I had major sparks when we first met, after dating for almost 2 years it started dwindling a little bit and I didn't notice, but he did. Instead of us breaking up we actually worked on it and now we have sparks again. Of course, there's always the option to break up and it is a mature way to break up over yelling and causing drama. I just think people give up to easily on their relationships sometimes. Relationships aren't all about sparks, they're about being good friends, too.
my boyfriend and i broke up for the same reason about 3 weeks ago.
Several times.
umm its not necessarily mature.. it just makes sense...
me and my ex broke up cuz i didnt see a future for us.. now THAT was hard. because we still really liked eachother. and still do... i just dont see anything in the future
Yes. My ex (late 20s) & I (early 20s) did so around the beginning of this year. We were a couple for about a year, split up for over half a year because our relationship was is in serious danger of being completely destroyed by circumstantional factors (school, work, health issues, etc.) and got back together after we had worked through the things that had been weighing us down. We were together for another year, but in that year we found out our relationship had turned into a sexless one. The abstinence for me turned us into a purely platonic couple. Because of this we decided to break up a second time. We're still best friends and are both able to talk about our romantic and/or sexual endeavors to each other.
More @ http://eva-thefallofmen.blogspot.com
I think sparks can be made. We can't just expect for them to always be there. Love changes just like people change. I would much rather have a friend on my side. Passion can become unfocused and turn into hate, violence or just lust. It's ironic that people think that passion is what makes relationships work, when it is one of the most feeble of forces that attract couples. Romantic, erotic love isn't meant to carry a relationship throughout its duration. Passion can be gained when you have a strong will to continue in the relationship, and the two of you have made that commitment. Have a passion for your relationship and it will grow without bound.
@PopStar48@xanga - @TheGirlWithIdeas@xanga - Agreed.
idk i kind of feel like you can get it back, letting it fizzle and making it a joint decision kind of speaks for itself. i mean, you need to work, and need to work with romance and passion and idk sounds like they weren't trying hard enough... but i guess if they're not attracted to each other, than it was just a bad fit. but maybe it depends on how passionate the beginning was, if it was just the classic honeymoon 'woo we're in a relationship phase' or if it was distinct, and lifeschanging. i think that would really define the rest. and how hard you'd try-- sounds like they were just over it, which is fine,kudos for making the break. we see a lot of couples fenced into an arrangement-- just being real with where you're at... thats what its all about, so good for them.