Monday, 13 September 2010
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A Letter to Black Women Who Complain About Black Men
I'm trying to find a less crass way to say this, but nothing is coming up. So I will just say this:You really have some nerve saying "there's no good black men" or "all good black men are taken (by whites, biracials or what have you)". You really have a lot of nerve saying so, when I can actually attest to asking out my share of black women. I'm not going to assume I'm a great man (Doing so makes me feel arrogant), but I have a good idea as to what your pet peeve is with men. I can assure you that not only am I not that guy, but I have been working hard on myself NOT to be that guy. Despite this, you still sing the song of there being a small amount of good black men.
An entry in a BlackVoices forum and a video on YouTube talks about how some black women really get judgmental with their men to the point where they don't even notice what they did.
I'm starting to believe the possibly that you love to complain about them is true because I remember that everytime I would openly ask out a black woman, they turned me down. One of them saw me as just a little brother, the rest were interested in someone else, the others thought I was plain weird or not quite attractive. These girls were the age that I was, at the time I told them I liked them.
Most of the black girls who were looking to ask me out have some of the most shallow game I ever saw. I was hoping that if some people thought I was cute, they wouldn't geek out. Sadly, I expected everything they tossed my way.
I remember having a handful of black girls come up to me while I was taken. They sure weren't the sophisticated types. All they ever did was say that their 'best friends liked me'. One of the responses I got from a "best friend" was that they thought I was too ugly. That started when her friends thought I was cute enough to laugh in awe, when I walked in the pizza shop. (I wrote about that, too.) The other time, the girl was worried about whether I was afraid of being seen as weird or gay. (It's true. Hang around enough cliche black people and present yourself as a normal Uncle Tom, and you, too, could be a mentally disturbed n*gga possibly on the DL.) The last time I can remember being complimented by a black girl in my town was when she said I looked "good but not cute". The only (fully) black girl that was actually interested in dating me was one.
Society would throw her in the "oreo black women" pile, which, if you aren't familiar, means a black person who (good grief) "acts white". The reason she liked me was because simply because we shared the same interests, and I must have been a breath of fresh air to her. She knew all my strengths and flaws. We dated for a while. Right now, we are good friends. But at least, she went so far as to give me a chance.Except her, most of the girls that were actually interested in taking me on as a love interest, and went so far as to say so, were white and biracial.
Yes, I was a "weirdo" then. Nonetheless, they got to really know me, and in time, they started to like me. It has less to do with the fact that I wasn't your stereotypical black male. It certainly didn't have to do with the curiosity about "that myth below", if that's what you are thinking. They liked who I was and what I had to offer as a person. The result of this trend is that, while I like you all still, I gravitated to dating more white girls or girls that aren't black. Until a black girl that doesn't seem immature or that recognizes any ounce of worth in me approaches me (or I approach her), then I'll accept my odds.Not now, of course. I'm taken. Yes, the girl is white. I prefer "caucasian" or "EuroAmerican", but now's not the time to be politically correct.
Back to my point: I may not be a perfect man, but I am living proof that black women have no right to complain that there is no good black men out there. At all. They also have no right to scowl, if I date someone outside of my race. I don't know if any of you actually do that, but if you do, cease fire pronto. The ones who do are possibly those who shoved all the good ones away, like they did me.
What do you think? What other groups get a bad rap in the dating arena?
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- From: mynameisblueskye@xanga
- Name: Blue Skye
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Comments (34)
I see what you're getting at. I had a black male friend once who was a complete and utter teddybear. Sweetest kid alive, acted "white" by most standards (he was from Queens NY, so.. yeah), and had a nerdy streak. Couldn't find a black girl to save his life, though. I don't get a chance talk to him anymore, but I could only hope he has found someone, no matter what the color of their skin.
I can understand the frustration that you feel, on a level that kind of pans out across all men. You're not that asshole dude, that bad boy that breaks girls hearts. You have a mind and you know how to use it. So in that way, I do agree with the guy in the video. Girls that don't know how to respect that are just simply immature. I'm happy that you have someone, again, no matter what race she is. Everyone just deserves love and respect... and as corny as it sounds, there is someone out there for everyone. I know it.
For me it's finding a black guy that likes me. I'm an "oreo". Most black guys find me strange unless they're "oreos" too, so I gravitate towards other races when it comes to men and all my girlfriends have been white. I've even been told that people expect me to marry a white man because i'm "too white for a black man". I've caught a lot of hell for not dating many black guys but I choose to ignore it. Most of the guys that complain about me are the ones who thought I was strange. I know how you feel.
Fuck stereotypes.
8f5f2e9a-4e65-467c-8c1a-af258bb3d76c1.03.01This has been an interesting topic I've seen debated before. Some black women want a black man that honestly doesn't exist-I know a girl in my class who said she wants an "educated thug." I'm still trying to figure out what that means.
i really loved this! thank you for posting. when i first started going out w/ my boyfriend over a year ago some people were happy for me that i finally found a GOOD MAN, [note im white (italian/cherokee indian) and he's black (jamican) intresting mix] because i had been with several MEN who were horrible to me...white, black, hispanic... so anyway most people were happy, the people we were friends with. we would get horrible looks from people in public from black women and old white people. i've had black woman stand behind me and talk about me because im with a black man. one even told me it was against the bible and i was going to hell! and that "im stealing their men" i simply told her that "im sorry you cant find a decient man maybe if you lose that stank attitue and quit being pissy with everyone you might find one!"
Wow..you're kind of full or yourself there aren't you? Just a little bit? lol
@SaMoAnTeiNe00@xanga - Agreed.
@BethyRose@xanga - I know exactly what you mean. Apparently I fall into the "oreo" category too, but to be quite honest, I don't really care. I have both black and white girlfriends, but yes, the majority of my friends are white. And I definitely get the "too white for a black man" comment more often than necessary. I have never dated a black guy before and it honestly has nothing to do with sterotypes or lack of good black men. Part of the reason is that I live in a predominantly white area, and I date within my group of friends. The second reason would just be the fact that guys that I share a mutual attraction with usually end up being white or biracial. Any black guy that's ever been interested in me claimed that I'm too "whitewashed". But whatever. I can't be anyone but myself.
@Hinase@xanga - I took a double take at the end, and I figured that was kind of being full of myself. But it doesn't really (hopefully, it doesnt) affect the point I am trying to make. I personally don't get the point of the snark at all. I don't.
Stereotypically, Mexican males. They're normally seen as bold, perverted men. But I know there are many gentlemanly, charming Mexican guys out there.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - But I do understand what you're saying though. Honestly, I've always dated guys because of personality.. =) I've dated/was attracted to a few black men as well as other men of other nationalities/color. To me, color doesn't come into play. I look way passed that..
I get what you are saying. I'm tired of black women complaining about black men.
I get what's your saying but why cant people be happily in love without race being a freaking factor? It's just ridiculous. It's 2010 for crying out loud.
Not only that, the title of your post is directed to every black woman but not all of us think this way. I know I dont.
I try not to worry about those sorts of things. Growing up, I was always pushed by my grandfather (who is Mexican) to grow up and find a good Catholic Mexican boy to marry. When I was about to turn 15, he offered to pay for my quinceañera, that I definitely did not want (in case there are people out there not educated on the matter, it's a huge "growing up" ceremony. In traditional Mexico, it was a way of saying, "Hey, here's a beautiful coming-of-age girl, and this is the money we have to spend. Come court her, and we'll make a deal!"). I've grown up terribly unimpressed with Mexican boys, and I'm sure the sentiments are likewise, because our "traditions" and ways of thought don't match up.
I have faith, but I'm definitely not Catholic. I'm not into the traditional Mexican family unit, and though it's kind of cool with having a big family and all that, I guess, I'm not a very social person and I can't keep track of Tia so and so and all of my cousins, and all of their cousins, and blah blah. I don't like big parties, and I don't like family.
Likewise, I'm sure they wouldn't enjoy my sexuality, my lack of Mexican pride, my lackluster Spanish speaking abilities (I can understand what's said to me, but I can't speak it), and my feminism, which is gentle but still a very big part of me.
Though it pains me to say it, I'm American first and foremost, in many senses of the word. I don't really have a racial culture that I fit into, or that I really care to do anything with other than learn about it. There are plenty of subcultures that are under the title of "American". I happen to fit under the LGBTQ category, which can sometimes lend me a harder or easier time with socialization. The women you speak of probably fit under the African American category, and as such, they have similar struggles fitting in and letting people in. You just have to find where you fit in. It sounds like you have already realized how futile and silly it can be to try to conform to a label other people expect of you. Keep going in your own direction.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - The year has nothing to do with racial and subcultural standards, unfortunately. Just because a lot of racial violence and discrimination has been stamped out doesn't mean there aren't other issues people deal with on a daily basis that pertains to their race or ethnicity.
I've heard that girls wouldn't date Asian guys because we lacked confidence.
All I have to say, which you probably said already, don't let a few bad apples ruin the entire bunch.
@Mangonese@xanga - I know that, I only state the year to emphasize my point on how far we have come (so far) so I dont see the point of people acting this way. Plus this letter was generalized so it makes me think he's speaking to every black woman, which kind of isnt fair & takes away from his point.
This is off topic but I like your profile pic. You have a pretty smile!
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - That's very true. I thought you were saying something along the lines of, "No one cares about ethnicity anymore", not "Lookit how far we've come". My apologies.
Thanks!
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - I know. That's why I said "black women who". If I wrote it to all black women, then the title wouldn't be so specific. you know?
Asian guys get a bad rep too.
Shit, I've heard just about every woman in my life say something negative about males in general. Black males, white males, Asian males.. it's tiring. One guy comes along and fucks them over because he himself has issues, and then suddenly every guy on the face of the Earth essentially turns into the devil or something.. I mainly notice this in older women though.. who're single now, specifically.. soon to have 220348793274 cats.. anyway.
Kinda pointless to say there aren't any good men of any race. It's like I have a friend who refuses to date white guys, she says they're all awful. I don't know her background on white guys or anything but I don't think they all are.
With every race, just like with both genders, you've got your sucky characters. Just gotta go through them to get the ones that are worth the time.
I think Mexican guys for sure get a bad rap.
My illegal mexican immigrant boyfriend is more aof a gentleman than any American guy I've gone out with has ever been. I've known him for a year and a half or so and he still opens the door for me.
He takes really good care of me and is proud of me for being a pre med student. He's not a sexist disrespectful ass hole like most Americans make Mexican men out to be.
@Mangonese@xanga - I'm Puerto Rican, and I understand where you're coming from completely with the whole race issue. Thankfully, my parents are an interracial couple, and they support me with whoever I date. However, I've met people who say to me, "Oh my God, you're Spanish and you don't like Spanish boys?!" It's terribly annoying..
Im a black female.. some.. well everyone i know considers me an "oreo"... I dont take offense to it.. I am who I am.. Im well educated, going to graduate college with a Chemistry degree in the spring. Im not sure what to think of this topic. Not once have I ever complained about a black man dating outside his race, I date outside the race as well. I dont think it should be as big of an issue as it is in 2010. But you cant tell black women to stop complaining about black men, because not all people do it. To me it is like saying ALL men are dogs, ALL white people are racist, ALL black people are uneducated. Its simple INCORRECT.
Yeah I agree FUCK stereotypes, they're definitely one of the things that is ruining human interactions. You go into a relationship no matter what level friendship love ect. with your head set on a stereotype consciously or sub- consciously you're gonna be judging someone based on that and that ruins your interaction if I go talk to a black man and think okay this guy is a thug and uneducated I'm either gonna perceive that way or I'll think he's strange for not acting that way I'm gonna think he's trying to act white and if I go up to white guy thinking he's gonna be a snob and racist and rich or whatever same thing you can't do that people that's fucked up. Stereotypes suck :/ and I don't think he's full of himself he's just confident that he's a good catch he's has self-esteem there is nothing wrong with that. Confidence not arrogance.
Middle Eastern men, or Muslim men, get a bad rep that they are all controlling and womanizers. Which ya know, many are, but not all. It's depends how (and where) they were raised. If they were born in the US, it's usually not as much of an issue.
The black women that complain probably hang out with thugs. I only have a few male black friends, and they are definitely not thugs (or I wouldn't be friends with them). Really, any guy (whether he's white, asian, black) who wants to be a thug is just unattractive.