So, let me just jump right into this crazy situation and state the important background information.
My good friend of 7 years has recently (this past year) started this habit of finding and talking to guys online. It first started with Juan.
My friend, J, is constantly talking to him; texting, e-mailing, calling, you name it. Not only do I find this completely idiotic and unsafe, it is annoying as hell! Whenever I try to have a conversation with her, she is too infatuated with her phone to even look at me when I talk to her. So it begins as just "fun." She claims she isn't stupid enough to tell him where she lives, her real name, and other important information. Next thing you know, he knows all these things.
This relationship continues for a few months but then ends. Thank goodness nothing too horrid happened. THEN.
When I come back from my 2 1/2 week vacation, J informs me she is in love.
Confused and shocked I ask her to tell me more. She first says "You're not going to like this." Automatically I know this is another relationship that has formed over the internet. She goes on to tell me that she is really in love, that this guy is different and that he is in a way, her best friend.
How did all this happen over 2 months (she kept it a secret until I came back), even if you've never talked to the guy in person? I know who my best friend is, and I know that this is a girl who is vulnerable to guys that adore her and give her a lot of attention. I also have a pretty strong feeling that this guy is a creep.
He is 26 years old, supposedly a very well accomplished man, and wants to come down to see J as soon as she's 18. Oh, but wait, he wants to meet with her parents if/when he does come down, talks about moving in together with J, and talks about marriage. WTF?
I know, most of you guys are thinking what I'm thinking... which is a lot of things. Thank goodness this guy lives FAR away. Oh, but her mom found out and is not for it, but not against it...
I recently have gotten the chance to talk to this mystery guy and here's what he has to say on his defense: "J is much more mature than an average 17 year old... I can't find a girl my age because girls my age are gold digging whores... Since you are J's good friend you must know that she is too good to let go... Why does age have to matter if we are both happy".
His points seem valid, sure, but does that justify his actions? When it comes down to it, he is much older and she is much younger. Yes, a relationship with a big age difference can work, but I feel like any 26 year old who is in his right mind would know better and back off a 17 year old.
I am just so... lost.
I would love love love what you 26 year old males out there think of this.
Am I insane for being so against this relationship? Is my friend really in love? Should I be scared that he is possibly coming down in 5 months?Opinions, PLEASE!
Recommend
Comments (109)
I think your friend should take it slow with this guy check him out to see if he is real and yes make sure he comes to visit and talks with parents friends and see if he is will to make the changes so she can stay close to family and friends
I know plenty of 26 year old women who aren't "gold digging whores."
Frankly, he sounds like a loser. I don't have any advice for you (sorry!), because I've never been around anything like this. This is what I would do, though: I'd tell her exactly how I feel and if she doesn't agree with it, forget about her (to a certain extent). Friends are way more important to guys and once she sees that, she'll realize how right you are.
Does she have a father or father-figure in her life? It sounds like she may have some serious "daddy-issues", too.
Sounds creepy. I like this video from the Midwest Teen Sex Show, The Older Boyfriend. "Remember, while you may be cool for dating an older guy, he's not cool for dating you. He's a loser."
http://midwestteensexshow.com/2007/07/15/mtss-episode-3-the-older-boyfriend/
As a 22-year-old female, I can safely say that things could be a lot worse. He could not want to meet her parents. He could simply be chasing some hot 17-year-old tail. But as far as I can tell, he's being okay about this.
That said, I wouldn't blame her parents if they told him to get the hell out of their house. I'm all for "love has no age," but the gap in lifestyle is far different in this case. After your friend finishes school and gets a job, it might be a different situation."J is much more mature than an average 17 year old"
she sounds like an average 17 year if she really thinks she's in love after 2 months. seems pretty immature to me.
I'm about to be a 25 year old guy. Wouldn't even consider a relationship with someone under 21.
I can see where you're concerned, but I can also see where your friend and her boyfriend are coming from: It's natural to be wary of someone much older going for someone who's much younger- especially when at least one member of the relationship in question is in their teenage years. People drastically develop in their teenage years which is why people are so wary of it.
On the flip side, since your friend is much closer to an adult she may have indeed matured more quickly than you realize, making the two of them compatible matches. Guys typically mature more slowly, so even though he may be physically 26 mentally he could be like, 21 (My ex was 17 when he proposed to me, so I wouldn't consider marriage discussions mature, just serious). As soon as she hits her 20's the difference won't be as big of an issue.
I'd be wary, but give them a chance. It would be best for them to take their relationship slowly- even though they know each other online, there are many things in a physical relationship that can seal or break the deal. Trust your gut when you physically meet him- he may be much better or much creepier in person. But give it time.
@daylightbreaker@xanga - I agree.
I don't understand how anyone, let alone a 17 year old, can be in love with someone who they have only known for 2 months and has not met or spent time with them. It's easy to fall for someone who will tell you what you want to hear. It just seems to me like he can't find anyone his own age because he's a perverted creep who is trying to get in the pants of a minor because she'll be gullible enough to fall for it.
I dated a 26 y/o when I was 17. Nothing wrong with it, but we didn't meet on the internet. He was still a student (doing his masters). We're separated by distance now (started Uni up north) but we're the best of friends. I didn't even sleep with him for ~1/2 a year.
My friend is currently living with her boyfriend (granted he's her age) that she met on the internet (he moved to Norway from England to be with her!).
So give it a chance. Might be something there. I do however think all the talk about marriage etc. seems silly.
P.s. 17 year olds can be gold digging whores as well!
pedophiles always say that the underage person they are seeing is "more mature than most girls their age".
if a 26 year old guy can't get a girl within the same age range, there's something wrong with him. I would be a little more understanding if they met in person, but online?
creeper alert.
also, what she has is called infatuation, not love.
I'm a little offended by this post because my boyfriend I met online. It wasn't a huge age difference, we're about a year and a half apart, but we met online and talked for a few months before meeting up. We've known each other for three years and have been dating for almost two years. I was 17 when we first met. Even if they met online, they have a better chance of forming a bond because it obviously isn't about sex. The age difference is kind of crazy, but he obviously has a little respect for her if he wants to wait until she's 18 until they meet up. He understands that the age difference makes it illegal to start a relationship with her. So, they're probably just going to keep talking. She'll have the chance to meet other guys and maybe she'll realize he's not the right guy for her or she'll realize he is the right guy for her.
First, loving someone for over 2 months isn't a symptom of insanity or maturity. It's just an opinion. Second, if youl really wanna give the relationship a taste of "permanence", then take it easy, get to know each other well (without necessarily having to live together), and wait and see (at 17 a year looks far away, but at 26 it isn't that much shorter, either). But, all this only means that you're conscioulsy trying to make it work together, it's NO guarantee it SHALL work out. Thousands of mature, middle-aged, professionally successful married, but otherwise now very divroced couples will tell you this. Age is a relative factor, yes, but it's not THE factor, and if it were it would NOT be the ONLY factor of importance.
I know. It happened to me (although I was a lot older than 26 when it happened).
I don't think you should judge them just because of the age difference. I mean if it was a 15 years old girl, then hell yes, that is creepy and alos a crime. But 9 years of difference isn't really that much between two adults. If you are in love, then you are in love.
A friend of mine went out with a 26 year old girl when he was 19... And a guy that I know from work is 33, while his girlfriend is 22. They are one of the most beautiful and romantic couples I've ever seen. It would be crazy for them to break up just because the age difference is a bit wider between them than between most other couples.
They are both immature.. and he sounds like a creeper. I really don't say that easily.
Your friend J needs to get off the computer and work things out in REAL life, with REAL guys. She probably doesn't even know what she wants in a man. When you're online,talking to a guy who keeps telling you sweet things you wanna hear, you dont really think things through.
The age different doesn't even matter after looking at her character..
He sounds fake. And he's probably just going on about meeting her parents to make everyone feel comfortable with the fact that he's older. No offense, but she doesn't seem all that mature. But, in the end it's really none of your business. She's your best friend. And if she wants to make this mistake, let her.
honestly i dont think that there is a problem with that age difference. this guy probably does like her but it seems skeptical only since you and all her close friends and family dont really know him, making him super sketchy. but i have to say ive been in a similar situation before. i got into a relationship where i met the guy online first and then met up with him. he wasnt that much older than me compared to this guy but was still 4 years older. my friends were really sketchy about him but eventually accepted him. we ended up breaking up but im still good friends with him... you should give him a chance and see what happens:]
When I was 18 I dated a 29 year old for a while. Big deal. I was a couple months older than your friend and he was 3 years older than her man in question.
For me it was different though. I had a 2 year old daughter and a college degree under my belt already, as well as 4 years of being responsible for myself.
Just depends on the maturity of the people in question. For me it makes sense to date older men, because other 19 year old boys aren't ready to be a serious companion and potential step dad yet, and that's what I need. If she's a 17 year old typical mommy's girl then there's something a little weird about that, because she'd be like a kid to him.
I am almost 28 and personally I think it is odd, and the age thing is a big difference; however, my mom and dad are ten years apart, they got together and got married after my first-mom died from cancer when I was like 5. There is also another man and wife I know what are 15 years apart. As a youth minister, who is single and in his twenties, this freaks me out. It would be like me getting together with one of the youth. I think with any age difference over 5 years, more time should be taken... but also, she should at least be 18 for goodness sake, and also not be getting taken advantage of by an older guy. Females are suckers for guys who seem so right, but like a really bad deal or scam, if it seems to right to be true, it usually is - which is why time and charterer and integrity all need to be top priorities.
I was 18 when I met my 25 year old boyfriend. Sometimes I do wonder if he'd ever consider splitting and starting a new relationship with a fresh 18 year old by the time we're older. :|
ohhh hell no you best get a background check on this fool! i've heard and seen these situations on tv before... AND! i went to high school with a registered sex offender who ended up on to catch a predator... guys that old prey on teen girls are creepers for real despite what they say to try and persuade you that they have good intentions... don't fall for that shit... we're not in that kind of world to be putting trust on someone after 2 months of talking and not meeting in person just yet... you need to slap so reality into her... that's not cool...
He sounds like a creeper, especially based on his response. I dated a 39 year old when I was 19 and it lasted 3 wonderful years so I'm nowhere near uptight about age gaps. That said, this guy does sound like a creeper and I'd be weary of him and keep an eye on your friend J.
I don't think your insane for being concerned, you, as her best friend, have every right to be concerned for her well being. But in the end, it's her decision to make. No one can say whether she really is in love or not. That is something that can really only be known be her. And there is nothing wrong with dating an older man. I have always been attracted to older men (not more than 10 years older than me), because they were always much more mature than guys my own age. Regardless of what anyone says, I do believe most males mature much more slowly than females. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 36, we've been together for 1.5 years and he is amazing, he is at a point in his life where he has his future planned out and he's actually on the path to seeing his goals and dreams come true. Where most guys my age are only interested in partying and sex and partying and sex and... well, you get the point. I think if your friend is happy, then you should be happy for her. At least this guy that she is in love with, wants to talk to her parents, that's a good sign.
Rage For Love (Amanda)
I'm 17... 26 is a little old. Although I shouldn't talk. I'm going to go out with my 22 year old coworker sometime soon.
Well this has nothing to do with your friend being 17 and the guy 26; it's about her being very naive and rash.