Thursday, 09 September 2010
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What Is It That Draws Us To Each Other?
What is it that draws us to each other? If you are like me, physical attraction just doesn't cut it. I need some kind of substance, some kind of intelligence, to relate to. Usually, within the first hour of meeting someone, they have already divulged things that they wouldn't otherwise divulge. I find it to be a blessing (and in some cases a curse) that I can connect with people very easily. People feel an almost immediate bond with me. The problem lies in my inability to feel it as well. Don't get me wrong, I like to talk with people. I like to learn from people and hear what they have to say. However, I rarely let my guard down and let anyone in. I sometimes even refuse to feel a connection. Using this logic, I don't get hurt very often. But when I do, I hurt deeply. It seems no matter how hard I try to distinguish the good from the bad, I always seem to let the wrong people in.
I have read enough blogs to know that many people feel they have this problem. What can we do? Is it simply in our human condition to constantly misjudge?
Well, I am tired of asking myself these questions. I am tired of not having answers. Therefore, I tried to do some soul searching recently. I didn't come up with too much, but I was able to pinpoint some areas of interest. I have discovered that I may be afflicted with Florence Nightingale Syndrome. This is a fictional psychological affliction where those that suffer from it constantly find themselves liking, or loving, people who need to be taken care of.
This is, without a doubt, my downfall. Looking back at my extensive track record, it is very hard to find a pattern. I have dated all races, ages, shapes, sizes, religions, etc. My mother likes to affectionately joke that I have dated the entire UN. This is not some fetish or the result of sluttiness, it is simply that I didn't have a "type". Or at least I didn't think I did.
Now it seems that my "type" has been the wounded, arrogant, sometimes cruel people that no one else can tolerate. I love people with weakness and vulnerability. But not just any weakness. I go for people who have some kind of underlying issue that makes them off-balance. The same things that send warning signals and send up little red flags up that make others run for the hills, is the same thing that has me running with arms wide open. True to Florence Nightingale Syndrome, I have this desire to "fix" or "cure" or "nurture" these lost souls.
I, now, take full responsibility for my constant heartbreak. My desire to help people with their admitted vulnerabilities has conversely left me vulnerable and open to hurt. So what do I do about it?
What do you think? What would you do?
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About the Author
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- From: FallenStar82387@xanga
- Name: FallenStar82387
- About Me: I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a poet. I am a dreamer. I am an empath. I love animals more than most people. I am an animal rescuer. I am open-minded and brutally honest. I try to make it a point not to make mistakes. I am too hard on myself. I excel under pressure. I am a tough cookie, but am deeply sensitive and emotional. As someone before me has said, I will fight you if I have to, but I would much rather love you.
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Comments (13)
It is true, it seems you do have that quality in which people feel connected to you. Even in the way you write, that is evident.
As for your whole need to nurture somebody who needs help...
I think that most people are wounded in some way. Most men anyway have some flaw that requires the nurture of a loving woman. (Or maybe I just speak for myself)
In any case, it sounds to me that you are what you are. To love deeply is to be hurt deeply; presently I am not convinced that there is anyway around it besides distance. It's a choice you need to make. Is the distance worth escaping hurt, but missing out on love?
If you've ever listened to Bright Eyes, some whiny overly emotional band that I enjoy anyway,
"Do you like to hurt, I do , I do, then hurt me."
Blahblah.
Wow, this fits my circle of high school friends perfectly. I have the same flaw. Im always more attracted to people that most of my normal friends would consider A. to have wayyy too many emotional problems or B. are just plain emo sometimes because they cant handle their emotions very well. Those cold, logical, I think I know more than you ever will, but Im so sensitive and need and crave true love and understanding men are my extreme weakness. One day, Im just going to say fuck it and buy a cat.
I tend to like the troubled souls - yeah the ones that I could possibly "fix" in a way. Not necessarily dramatic, but pyschologically flawed and broken and when I can't fix them and drive them to cheating, call them crazy bitches, walk away, feeling ok with myself because, "I did everything I could do and should do."
Perhaps you feel like you want to have something over people as well because being the helper or the nurturer puts you in a place above the people you deem "broken" or "flawed". Maybe you don't feel comfortable around people that are just as smart as you or smarter because you like to exert power. Some people like tortured love. With my ex, our love was very much tortured and we seemed to thrive on it, making up right after every fight. I would say we associated love with that kind of pain. I think you're scared of finding the right person and settling down, which is why instinctually you pick guys who are not the most eligible bachelors so you can "try" to change them, subconsciously knowing you won't succeed. I think that you need to come to terms with the fact that you can change people's behaviors, but not personality. Maybe you were in a relationship where someone was controlling and now you always want to have the upper hand. Whatever the case may be, it seems like you have the type-A personality that wants to be on top of everything and that is likely not going to change, you just have to find different coping mechanisms to deal with that.
I seem to have Florence Nightingale syndrome too. And I need a cure. T_T
...That doesn't involve more cowbell.
I may be the same way, but my dating track record might be too short to establish a definite pattern yet.
To each his own. Someone's gotta love the broken. If you don't want it, don't date it. You sound like you know the red flags.
What do you mean by this "My desire to help people with their admitted vulnerabilities has conversely left me vulnerable and open to hurt." How are you vulnerable and open to hurt? Everyone is to an extent in a relationship.
i agree, physical attraction isn't enough for me, i need more. i love an intelligent man, someone who challenges me and vice versa, guys who are witty and sarcastic, i need excitement in my life.
I'm drawn to other broken souls because I'm also a broken soul. I don't want to "fix" or "cure" them. I seek comfort in these people, whom share the same sentiments that I feel a deeper connection with. the latter usually doesn't understand me and are quick to find my emo-ness annoying and I can't stand their demeanor either.
I like this blog entry. Very nice, and I can relate.
That's interesting. I think I am similar to you also. I tend to be guarded because I don't want to get hurt. I kind of avoid getting too close to people, or depending on people too much.
It's kinda funny because you start off saying you don't get close to people, but then you speak about how you are so drawn to the injured/damaged (?) type?
I use to think this way, I don't think I am attracted to the damaged type, but I am drawn to the unique/different type. People who are a little different from the norm. That may mean they have some interesting "flaws." I think I am over the all-out "damaged" type phase though.
I'm sure the time will come and it'll all work out. Just be you and be happy to be alive. Enjoy yourself.
@UknowWutsux@xanga - That is interesting. I have never really heard someone talk about my writing in that precise way. I really loved the rest of your comment. It made me feel better. Thank you.
@JulesCaesar@xanga - Go for the cat! Less baggage! I have 2!
@cubancutiepie@xanga - My issue isnt one of a power trip or subconsciously pushing love away, although I am a little afraid of settling down. For me, it is an empathetic weakness. I hate seeing people in pain or hurting. It hurts me and breaks my heart.
@proudsmartypants@xanga - That is fabulous, however there are many cures that dont involve more cowbell.
@sassyjessie@xanga - That was put very poetically. Thank you.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - I agree, I think that is part of my issue too.
@dancing_gypsygirl@xanga - Thank you
As someone who's pretty messed up emotionally as well, I'm attracted to stable guys more. I dated an "emo" guy and it did NOT work out well XD But, that's just me. I understand the attractiveness of a tortured soul, but don't really feel it, you know?