Thursday, 02 September 2010

• The L Dating Chronicles: The Curious Case of the Player Addicted

  
  
  It’s a modern day anti-romance: boy meets girl, boy hooks up with girl, boy moves on to other girls while said girl proceeds to obsess over boy. When it happened to me recently, I started thinking about the often quoted “don’t hate the player” excuse, and was left wondering, “why the hell not?”
  
  The truth is, when someone is unattainable, or better yet uninterested, he seems incredibly more desirable than he actually is. Case in point, my latest male dilemma. When Shawn started calling me a few weeks ago after a months of non-contact (which was of course filled with classic “why isn’t he calling?” inner dialogue) the butterflies in my stomach took flight, as they do every time he calls. Maybe it’s because the rarity of the occasion is thrilling, or because I genuinely like him- I don’t know. But after a week of simple conversation I stopped by his apartment early in the evening for a drink. One drink led to two, which lead to a movie, which led to me leaving his apartment at 2 am with the same guivenile hopes I entertained the last time I walked that shameful Soho street. A text from Shawn a few days later led me to believe that- of course- I could be the girl that he changes for.
  
  “Maybe he just hasn’t met the right person until now,” I thought. “Sure he didn’t talk to me for a few days, but this changes everything… even the last three times I went through this.” I felt like one of those women who marries a professional athlete because she thinks she's the one the NBA star won’t cheat on. Fast forward to 6 months down the aisle: she’s sitting in a court room with a new 4-carrot rock on her finger sporting an “I love Kobe” T-shirt.
  
  So, was it the moment of enlightenment for Shawn? Not so much. I shot him a text that went unacknowledged before I saw him out at a bar where we spoke briefly while he scanned the room for fresh meat. And yet I still went on blubbering about why my Prince Charming didn't love me back. Until I got a grip...
  
  I seems to be easier for some of us to internalize a guy's problems and monogamous deficiencies than it is to put the blame on him. I played the "what if I see him with someone" game, and engaged in "why doesn't he like me" mental suicide, and then it hit me: instead of telling him to call me, I should be telling him to go fuck himself. You call me, we have a great time together, and then you lose interest? Wow, that makes almost as much sense as me still giving you the time of day.
  
  But I'm not the only one of my friends to experience this player-loving phenomenon. Sure, every one of my girls has yearned over the only jackass to dump her. Sarah stayed in bed every one of the eight times Dan dumped her. That is, until he came back for a ninth round that she ended. And Mary went into a booty-based relationship that ended in her demanding a date and him losing her number. And my friend Mike has been pining over his ex for nearly a year, with no signs of progress except the occasional drunken slumber party. So what keeps us all thinking about the one who isn't thinking about us?
  
  Is it really as simple as self esteem? Do we just want to be validated and liked by the person who didn't appreciate us the first (or ninth) time around? If I had to put money on it, Shawn will get in touch with me again, and probably more than once. But that should be the last thing I want. Instead of going off the deep end trying to figure out why he's hot-and-cold (aside from the obvious reason: he's a slut) I'm taking two steps back. The first step involves realizing that it's his loss, instead of seeing it the other way around. His on-the-prowl attitude has nothing to do with me, or the next girl. Instead of envying the flavor of the night, I should feel bad for her because people don't change so she'll be the next girl in a long line of others. And the second step is kissing (figuratively of course) any thought of him goodbye. This self-generated idea of him is just that: self-generated. When we give it a good thought- when Sarah thinks about Dan, when Mike thinks about his ex- there's more bad to focus on than good. One or two good nights with Shawn certainly doesn't make up for the one or two nights of passive uninterest.
  
  I'm a confident, intelligent woman, so it surprises me that I have to take an active approach to ending a de-lationship with a self-absorbed ass, but it's not completely uncommon. Everyone I know has spent a hot second mourning an SO they should be happy to be rid of. But when it comes to a guy like this, even a hot second is more time than he's worth.
  

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