Wednesday, 01 September 2010
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My Ex Has Bipolar: How I Left Him at His Lowest
Everyone knows that once something's said, it's said. There's no taking it back. Most words evaporate, but some hang. Some hang in the air, and get heavy. They get heavy and fall on us. They lie there, heavy, until we're crushed.
He's standing there, tears in his eyes, telling me he wants to die. Two years we've been dating. It feels longer on days like this.
How many times could I get trapped in a two hour screaming match with him? How much more could I give to him to make him understand that I could only do so much?
I finally crack. I just blurt it out.
"If you're going to do it, just do it."
And that, right there, was the heaviest thing I have ever said in my life. I crushed him. I gave him permission to die.
My ex-boyfriend was is diagnosed bipolar. It's not something that can be cured. You can live with bipolar disorder. You can learn to cope with bipolar disorder. But you are always a person living with bipolar disorder.
I should mention before I go further that my experience should in no way deter anyone from dating someone with bipolar disorder. When handled properly, people living with this disorder can clearly engage as amazing partners in relationships. A dear friend of mine has it, and from my mouth to God's ears, no one would ever guess.
I knew it was a lot for him, and I knew that he didn't mean the things he said when he was in this depressed state. I knew this disorder was too much for him, that his medication was not working. I was supposed to be the supporter. But I didn't sign up for that. It wasn't fair to him, and I know that it wasn't, but it wasn't fair to me either.
We were in college, our sophomore year. He had transferred to my school because he told me he needed me, that he couldn't get through it without me. He told me that his family couldn't know about how bad things had become, that I was the only one who could help. I kept his secret. Night after night, day after day, our relationship transformed. I went from his girlfriend, partner, and supporter to mother, babysitter, and at times, even his nurse. It was overwhelming.
Conversations like the one at the beginning of this post were increasing in frequency, happening 3 or 4 nights a week. I never saw my friends. I was skipping classes to take care of him. I quit my on campus job to keep my nights free in case he needed me. He engulfed my world.
Everyone always told me how great I was for him, how much he leaned on me and how far he'd come because of me. Maybe he wouldn't have gone back to college after dropping out. Maybe he wouldn't have moved out and lived on his own. Maybe he would have gotten into drugs or started drinking too much.
But why didn't anyone care how he was for me?
That night, I cracked. I told him it was over. I removed every trace of me from his apartment. I told him that this relationship was unhealthy, and that I could not keep contributing to what was wrong in his life. I couldn't be the reason he didn't get well, get help.
I know leaving him at his lowest was the right thing to do. I was not a therapist or something to be leaned on-- I was his girlfriend. Not a wife or a fiancee. I couldn't give him the things that he needed, the kind of support and care that he required was too much for me at 19 years old.
Why am I telling all of you this? Why would I share such a private and heart-wrenching piece of my life?
Everyone needs to know how much I mean what I'm about to say.
A relationship is two people. Two people that need to, at least at some level, feel as though they have an equal stake in each other's lives. I was not the right girl for him, and just because he needed me to be, doesn't mean I had to be. It took me a long time to get there, but I am sharing this painful story with all of you today to let you know that there is a dangerous difference between supporting someone you love and enabling someone you love. Learning that difference and acting accordingly is the only way to engage in a healthy relationship with anyone, regardless of their mental or emotional state.
When it was over, I made sure to call his family and let them know. I made sure he had friends around to talk to him. And, as difficult as it was, I told his brother everything-- all the threats he made, all the hard times he was having, all the times that he wished he'd seen the doctor but didn't ever go.
Evidently, today he is doing well, and has a job and a new girlfriend. I take no credit for this whatsoever.
I know in his mind, I'll always be the bad guy. I will always be the girl who said the meanest thing he'd ever heard anyone say. I will always be the girl who left him when he needed her the most. It took me a long time to accept that he'll never forgive me, at least to my face. But even now, as I have been extremely happily involved in an amazing relationship for the past 4 years, I still hope that he is at peace with our time together, and that somewhere deep down inside of him, he knows I did the right thing for us both.
If you or someone you know are dating someone with bipolar disorder and want information, support, or just a place to learn more about treatment and techniques, visit http://www.bpso.org/.
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (72)
Honestly, I was afraid when I saw the name of the post because I too, live with bipolar disorder and though it's not as severe as his..mine does cripple me to the point that I do have to rely on other people especially my bf.
I was afraid it would be quite negativity and just very condescending. Not many people understand the disorder and therefore make big assumptions and judgments on people suffering like myself. Though I do understand to the degree in which he does suffer because I too, get into those moods and I do snap at my bf or anyone that comes close. It's not my fault but the real thing to do is to recognize the changes in you when it does come. I do try my best to rely on myself and not rely so much on my bf but it's hard. And I do understand where you're coming from. It's very very very difficult to deal with someone that's in that position (him being bipolar) and I know it is, because I'm quite difficult when I get into very bad moods like that.
If he doesn't help himself, how can he ever be functional at all? He needs to do these things himself. You can't be his entire support..
but you're right about that. Though it does take some patience, and I'm sure that my bf has the best patience in the world, I'm just afraid I'm going to snap into a mood and then I might lose him. I'm terrified to get that close to him. Though I'm just lucky that he understands.
At least he got his act together. You can't ignore bipolar..you can't pretend it's not there because it is. Really, it's the same with anything, doesn't have to be bipolar; If they don't help themselves and just rely on their partners all the time, the relationship will fail. You were his gf and you should of been only that. Not his nurse. I'm sure with the right medication and the right amount of care, he will get better as you seem to note in your post.
It's difficult to be in a relationship but as long as I know what I do, and try to get better..then I'm sure my relationship will be okay.
Thanks for the post =) I very much appreciated it!
Though you're right, when you say it takes two people to be in a relationship. What he failed to do was take care of his own problems and at least try to treat them with the best of his abilities because it seems like you were just enabling him and not letting him understand how bad he gets.
My ex suffered from this as well, though not to the same degree.
There'd be days out of the week that he wouldn't want to talk to me, or anyone, or when he did talk about how worthless he was. But there were a million different reasons that relationship ended, and surprisingly, his bi-polar wasn't a factor.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I dated someone for nearly two years who was battling severe, sometimes paralyzing depression, as well as a host of less prominent mental health issues, and my situation was very similar to yours--I wanted to be a supporter but instead I was an enabler. At many times I felt more like a mother than a girlfriend. I left, and in the months after he had depressive periods, suicidal periods--and the hardest thing I have ever had to do was telling him "I can not be the one who helps you through this."
And it was made harder by the fact that he told me there wasn't anyone else who could help him, no one else he could talk to. Just me. But I stood firm and I'm proud of myself for that.
People with mood disorders do need help, and their romantic partners absolutely should be supportive of them. But it is important to remember that SO and therapist are different social roles for a very good reason. You are not helping someone if you continue to hold the details of their life together and allow yourself to become their sole source of emotional support--you're just allowing them to be dependent on you instead of taking the steps needed to stand on their own feet.
This is really well written and to be honest, you sound like you was very very good to him. Surely he has to realise how unfair it was on you, it seems like it maybe held you back a bit, and gave you stress that you certainly did not deserve.
I can't say I've ever been through a relationship like that, but I know how hard it is not to just say what you said when threats like that are so persistent. I probably would have done the same, eventually.A friend of mine (claims he) has bipolar, but he refuses to take medication, but he also says he knows why he has it and could stop it if he wanted to but he doesn't want to...? Now, I don't know a lot about bipolar disorder but something just doesn't seem quite right there.
- Anyone fancy clearing that up for me?
He uses it against me a lot to be honest, almost like an excuse.
It's good you made sure he wasn't alone right after...that's how my ex and I broke up and I ended up OD-ing when he said something along those lines. I'm glad about it now though...less than 2 years later I now have an amazing husband and a beautiful baby girl :)
That was a little harsh to say, but there probably really isn't a way you could've ended it that would've seemed any better to him. And you shouldn't stay in any relationship you're not happy with.
@belladonnabutterflies@xanga - thanks for the kind words :)
the link i provided at the bottom of this blog has a lot of great resources that could help you answer that question. i'm not a doctor, so i'll let the experts handle that one.
but it is definitely not something your friend will be able to turn on and off. i know it's a word we all use to describe wacky mood swings, like, "she's acting so bipolar!" However, there is a huge difference between this generalization and the real thing, one i hope your friend recognizes if he has received this diagnosis.
I was in an emotionally unstable relationship and it was the most miserable time of my entire life. now that he is out of my life, it is like I found my freedom and single life happiness again. he likely hates my guts but I don't want to talk to him again because I know more drama will happen and I don't need the extra drama. it seems harsh and selfish, but I have to reclaim my right to happiness, too
I really appreciate this post. Thank you.
I definitely agree with your post. I had a friend who was depressed a lot and didn't really think about her future. She had problems everywhere, at home, at school. I tried my best for her for 2,5 years. She always came to me when something bothered her, I always tried to help her as much as I could and I tried to get her back on the right track. But it didn't work. I drained myself out trying to help her, but she just didn't get it, or she didn't want to get it. I know how hard it is to give your all, but realize that the person you're giving it to doesn't receive it. Eventually I told her that this friendship wasn't working. After we quit all contact, she dropped out of school and got a full-time job at a supermarket. I don't know whether that decision was better for her or not, but I know that I felt relief when I put the friendship to an end.
mmm...I stopped reading after you said you told him to do it, referring to telling him to just kill himself...did you know that if someone threatens suicide and you don't call to get them help or tell them to "just do it" and they do happen to actually go through with it, you can be arrested for murder? I just found that out myself, so be careful when someone actually threatens suicide, you have to take it seriously whether or not they actually go through with it.
now, I have read the rest of it and I agree with you that both people need to be good for each other. He can't constantly rely on you to be the one keeping him alive, that's a lot for a person to handle. I suffer from severe depression, which I know is not like bi polar disorder really, but one of my exes broke up with me saying he felt like it was a huge thing on his shoulders, to feel like he was the only reason I was alive. That kind of pushed me to get help, and help myself instead of relying on everyone else to help me and take care of me.
Don't feel guilty or like a bad person for leaving him, it's tough to be with someone who depends on everyone else and not them self as well.
I went through this exact same thing..However, I don't think I left him at his lowest, but I've been there being his supporter when all he wanted to do was kill himself. It's so stressful. I understand completely.
Today I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend. Hearing this made me feel like I finally made the choice to stop being an enabler. Thank you.
It's funny how the world works sometimes. I've realized today how freaky things can be, especially when the universe wants to make something obvious to you.
I thank you for this post, deeply and from the bottom of my heart.
I suffer from bipolar disorder. The hardest part about this disease, for me, isn't the disease itself, but what it does to the people I love. It cripples you. It makes you weak and makes you feel worthless... then it makes you feel on top of the world, impulsive, forgetting all consequences... And so you do things you wouldn't normally do. You almost become a different person. And by doing that, you more than likely hurt the ones that you love more than anything. You hate yourself so much that you cling to anything you think can love you, but it's never enough - never, ever enough. You drain your loved ones dry, making them as zombie-like as yourself.
The hardest part is learning that bipolar is not an excuse. I cannot control my actions sometimes, especially when I'm manic. In fact, sometimes I don't even remember what it is I did. But just because I have something that is at times so debilitating does not mean I can use it as a leash to keep my loved ones captive. I have to love myself, as cliche as it sounds, and get help. I've been going through this same rollercoaster for years now, but there came a point where I realized I needed to take responsibility and get healthy. If someone knows they're diabetic and refuses to take their insulin, yeah - they're being stupid. If someone is bipolar and is refusing to take their medication - I will say with full certainty that they are being stupid. Sometimes it's hard because you're all but crazy, but listen. Listen to what your loved ones are saying. If you need help, you need to get it. Your ex boyfriend was lucky to have someone like you. We all need a kick in the butt sometimes, even at our lowest.
Readers can agree with me or they can disagree. I don't care. All I know is that I want to apologize to everyone and anyone who knows me and that I have hurt because I was refusing to get help. You didn't deserve to be my care givers, my only source for living. I'm responsible for that. I hurt you and I'm sorry. You did everything for me and I hope by getting help, I am somehow repaying that.
Thank you.
Sometimes bipolar people need to take meds.
I know that if i didnt take my meds i would be in a hellish place
i have bipolar and yes sometimes i still get manic or totally depressed. but i no longer want to die and for the most part im pretty normal.
but yes dating people with bipolar is tuff. cuz i know myself at times and i know i can get alittle crazy
Good for you. That is definitely not a healthy relationship and I'm proud that you saved yourself from spiraling downwards with him!
I'm bi-polar. Have been in treatment of one kind or another for nearly all the time I've been married...25 yrs. Meds and therapy help, but they can't make it go away. My husband says that he didn't sign on for it and can't take it anymore. I left town for a job and he came to visit me and told me he doesn't want me to come home.
I totally understand how he feels, I didn't exactly "sign on" for it either. And yes...when it revs up, I say to myself " I CANNOT go through this again" I love my husband and sympathize, of course he wants the rest of his life to be peaceful.
I have been functional, raised kids, held jobs, kept house, etc. Now he's settled in his career, owns a home, the kids are grown, and I (due to getting laid off and the economy) conveniently left town. He's got his whole little kingdom going there.
I sympathize, but I am bitter as hell, because I worked hard for 25 yrs too. Because I didn't sign on for all the twists and turns that came as a package deal with him either.
Of course this is LOADS different from the post, because you were just dating, hadn't made a marital commitment, and hadn't waited until said boyfriend had helped you achieve your goals before telling him to just do it already.
The idea of having to deal with my mental illness alone for the rest of my life (yeah, I am NOT going to saddle any other poor man with this either) and to have to do it 2000 miles away from friends and family, with all I worked for materially, etc gone...isn't real attractive. I nearly killed myself last night.
I don't burden my family with my suicidal issues etc. I call professionals for that, or people who say they want to be in that role. So, whether I go through with it or not...he won't have to worry about any manipulation or being held hostage by my illness any more. I am nicely insured, so there's that too.
I really don't want to have to start over, in so many ways, at this stage of the game. I can't try any harder to control my illness etc...I mean, it is what it is. Therapy, meds, 12 step program, what's left?
He doesn't want to watch me die. He feels guilty. He doesn't want the drama, he's worked hard to get where he is, he wants to be able to enjoy it...
Who can blame him, I mean, I feel the same way. I'd love to be able to enjoy all I've worked for and most of the time my bi-polar is controlled enough for me to enjoy and actively and productively participate in life...but I can't divorce myself.
Moral of the story, do what the poster here did. Read the writing on the wall and get out early. It doesn't get better. Save yourself. Because you CAN'T save the other person. No one should be expected to give up their life for a partner.
Would your actions still be considered reasonable had he killed himself that night? Sure you can look back on it and say you did the right thing since he's okay now, but if the situation had gone the other way and you turned out to be the catalyst that made him commit suicide, would you still be able to argue you did the right thing? Maybe for yourself, you did the right thing, but a relationship is two people; did you handle it the best way for both parties?
That was why I broke up with my last boyfriend. There is only so much you can do, a relationship is meant to be give and take... it's just the way it is. But it's not easy for either person to walk away. Took me about two years.
Thank you for sharing.
It's kind of saddening that you think just because he's still alive today you did the right thing, and for both of you no less. Had he taken the encouragement to end his life, would you still be as confident that you handled this the best way possible? You just got lucky. I wouldn't be so careless in the future with people.
Good for you for getting out of a relationship that wasn't right for you, and leaving this guy in a kind of safety net. But honestly, that wasn't the best thing for you to do.
You definitely did the right thing. My father is severely bipolar, much worse than your ex from the sound of things. My mother stuck with him for like 16 years. He was abusive, especially emotionally, would leave for days and weeks and no one knew where he was. He got into drugs. He alienated my friends, and they had nothing to do with us anymore. We lived in fear when I was a child. No one should have to go through that.
I totally know what you're saying. Eshayes
@SupperMick@xanga - @RazorBladeParade@xanga - I'm glad these points came up. This is a serious post and a serious subject, so I want everything to be clear.
I would never suggest that the words used that night when I completely lost it on him were the right thing. They were immature and emotional in that moment. I only include them in this post to show the extensive toll allowing oneself to become the entire reason for someone else's life can be, especially at a young age. It's so much pressure that we say horrifying things that we never thought we'd say in any situation.
The rest of the story is, I never left him alone enough to allow anything to happen that night. When he would get like this, I would literally lock us in a room so he had no access to anything dangerous. Sure, I was putting myself and him in a terrible spot doing this, and I see that now, but I knew he was in no immediate danger, always. His family was with him before I ever left completely. That may not have been clear in the post, so it's good that you pointed that out. When I called them, they came right over, and I didn't leave until they got there.
When I say I did the right thing, I am referring to ending the relationship that was both destroying me mentally and emotionally, and keeping my ex from getting well.
This is one of the best posts I've read on this site.
Excellently written, brutally honest yet still with a compelling message at the end.
Kudos!
I'm glad that everything was able to work itself out in the end as well. A true learning experience for everyone.
It doesn't matter what mental problems you've got - they are no excuse to bring someone you claim to love down. You get help, you help yourself, you don't play like the helpless victim. Any mental "issue" can be dealt with and managed by the person affected so that they can live a normal life. It's never acceptable to not try, and to hurt the people around you so that you can keep wallowing. You did the right thing.