Monday, 30 August 2010
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Friend-tervention: When Is It Time to Step In?
I should start this by letting you guys in on something: I'm not known for my ability to hold back. When I have something to say, 9 times out of 10, it's getting said. It's not that I'm a bitch, I am just a really big fan of raw honesty. Honesty is underrated in my opinion. I always want there to be no question about where I stand, no matter what.
However, some situations are delicate. Some situations require gloves that are less concrete and more... cotton. Here's what I mean by that.
What do you do when a dear friend is involved with a guy who, to his core, is a heinous, obnoxious, off-the-charts loser?
Some girls are smart, like this friend of mine is. Some girls have you meet their SO's, and don't ask for your opinion. Had she asked, I could have told her, "You know, actually I think he's a huge bag of douche, and if you were dating Chris Brown, it might look like an upgrade." But, she didn't ask. So do I get to tell her?
I have to be fair. He doesn't hit her. He doesn't steal her stuff. He's relatively successful. He is quite obviously intelligent. He's just not good enough for her.
He talks down to her. He always makes her pay. He's unnecessarily bossy. He yells at her in public. He's rude to all of us (the lifelong friends... a place I always believe someone's SO must somewhat fit). He's a known former cheater.
But she's happy. Or, at least she thinks she is.
Is that really all that matters? Is it?
I am of the opinion that if you're really someone's friend, you tell them what you think, always. Honesty above all else. Always. But is it our job to protect our friends from the guys that could potentially pollute their lives, even at the cost of destroying our lifelong friendships? Or do we all have to learn our own lessons in our own time?
If she's not in physical danger, do we really have the right to perform a friend-tervention?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (22)
it never hurts to be honest with them. just say, "hey, i really am not trying to be mean, but this has been on my mind and i think your boyfriend ___ and ___" just fill in the blanks. assure her that you're not trying to break them up and you want what's best for her. you're her friend and that's why you're concerned. otherwise, you would care less. be gentle, but get your point across.
Honestly, in my own experience, you have to let them go through it because actually intervening like with everything else won't do anything. Let them learn the hard way and figure out out that the guy is a total douche. It works and in time they will see. But if the douche starts abusing my friend..that's a whole different thing..
yeah sure tell her, but don't keep repeating yourself... but keep in mind some people CAN'T do better. Put yourself in her shoes... you could say to her to dump the good looking a__hole for that ugly nice guy, but would you follow your own advice?
This is hard because a lot of times, telling your friend what you really think may push her away from you instead of him....a good time to tell her is if she ever comes to you, upset with him, and looking for an ear. Then at least she's not caught up in the delusion that he's the greatest guy ever and you can give her your honest opinion without the possibility of her rejecting it immediately. Just be gentle though. You can't really call him a douche straight up, but you could say his behavior toward her concerns you and makes you think that he's not really appreciating you friend....at least then you sound like you're more concerned for her well being rather than just bad-mouthing her guy.
We all have to learn our own lessons on our own time. You can be honest but she may not be in a position to hear you out. It could hinder your friendship to be honest with her but if that's how you are then be yourself, just understand the reprocussions.
Try and be there for her when she's ready to hear you out. That's what I would do.
You have to be delicate about this kind of thing. One of my bf's exfriends totally mouthed me off in front of him SEVERAL TIMES to the point that they're not friends anymore. And no, I didn't deserve the trashtalking, it was his friend that was being the douche. Just make sure you're clearly stating your opinion and she is in no obligation to follow it. Don't tell her how to run her life, but point out to her some points her bf can seriously start changing if he wants to keep her. She may be blinded by love.. which is why she doesn't see things in your point of view, but keep in mind that if you were in her position, you might be like that too. Some of my best friends did exactly what you did, they pointed out things that they really disliked in my boyfriend, which were exactly some of the characteristics you listed of your friend's bf.. always makes me pay, is unnecessarily bossy, former cheater etc. But in the bigger picture, it's better if your friend learns this lesson herself if it doesn't work out so she'll know which type of guy to avoid in the future and why. And the only reason for your concern of her bf is because you care about your friend very much.. she'll probably realize that sooner or later, otherwise, why would you make such a big effort to get your points across to her?
yeah i used to think that. last year my friend got with this 40 year old guy who had a really bad track record and absolutely nothing looked good, but he was a nice guy... well my friend decided to of course get serious with this guy, out of all the guys he could have!!! so of course he told us the situation and all the kind of sketchy parts (that kept coming and coming) and most of us were tactful and just said how we felt, one wasnt, and it turned into this big mess. and broke our group of 7 years.
some of us still talk, but quite honestly- i think when people confide to you about their relationship, its kind of open grounds to talk about it. since they initiated the topic and clearly you two are both talking on it (and they want to talk about it).... but i think for most couples its just best to keep your mouth shut. people don't want your opinion, if they wanted it they'd ask, pretty sure they know the situations fucked. saying anything will just drive them together more in their attempt to 'prove you wrong'... idiots. pride will be the death of many people, but if they give into it, their loss..
You CAN'T tell her she's dating a douchebag because she's not going to listen to you.
Why don't you say something like. "Why do you let him yell at you like that?" or publicly and viciously defend her so as to embarrass her dumbass for taking it like a doormat.
Well I will say it sounds like this friend of yours has already settled for this guy and just does not see or does not want to admit that he's not right for her. I think, as her friend, it is your job to be honest with her-if it is possible to tell it to her delicately that you're CONCERNED for her. The way you say it is important. Ughh see this is difficult because you don't want her to be angry with you for judging her boyfriend but then to NOT tell her would hurt both her and you. But honestly, only SHE will have to come to terms with this man-whether she choses to stay with him or dump him you still have to be supportive of her because she's gonna need you either way!
i'm in the same situation & i feel your anguish. Problem is, you intervene & it's only going to make her run to him. She's got to see it for herself because there is no way to point it out to her. Keep an eye out for bruises but otherwise, unless he lays a hand on her, let her make her own mistakes because it's the only way she'll learn from them. But you can stand up for her & yourself if you are there when he talks down to her or you. That's your right & maybe she'll slowly realize it for herself. I'm sure there's a small part of her that thinks he's an ass. If you think he's an ass, too, & point out when he's being an ass he'll look like more of one in her eyes, slowly but surely.
This is a REALLY tricky situation. When physical abuse isn't involved (thank goodness) it is harder to point out factors that show the girl she is with an awful guy.
One of my best friends has been in a relationship with a guy for over two years now, and he is exactly like how you describe. They are planning on getting married and it is a 99.9% chance that they will. All my friends and I cannot STAND this guy!!!!
He is overpowering, manipulative, whiny, stuck up, and has managed to pretty much take her away from all of us. He won't let us see her unless he is around and he says horrible things about all of my friends and I to her. It is the first serious relationship that my friend has ever been in and she has rose colored glasses on. She cannot see any of the negative stuff that is going on.
My friends and I tried to very nicely, calmly approach her about him a year ago. We each did it on our own too so it wouldn't look like we were ganging up on her. Instead of taking our advice to heart, truthfully, it just pushed her away more from us. She was offended that we didn't like her guy and then told the guy about it which consequently caused him to turn against us more than he already had. The situation was so negatively lasting for her that our friendship with her has never been the same since.
While I do think it can be a good thing to share your opinions, you need to do it VERY carefully. The situation can turn on you like it did for my friends and I.
If she's happy for right now then just let her be happy. She'll either realize that something is wrong or just become unhappy and then you can step in with your opinion and whatever you want to say. It's hard because if you say anything right now then you might end up pushing her away which is the last thing you want to do when she's not in a good relationship.
I don't understand why girls think it's okay to stay with men who are disrespectful like that. It's not like they're hitting you but at the same time, you're still being abused with lack of respect.
she might be a masochist and gets off on emotional pain. I can relate because I'm the same way. however...what other people see in my past s.o. as, I don't really see because I'm too unnecessarily forgiving and already fell for him. he might seem like a jerk in public but that's him trying too hard to be macho and I think that he might treat her better when nobody is around and act like a sweetheart or that's what happened with me and then my heart softens again and the cycle repeats. I'm out of that situation now though because I had a breaking point
Lets take The hills for example. By Lauren telling Heidi she hated her boyfriend, it pushed Heidi away and brought spencer closer. I think if she is happy at the moment with him, then let it be. You are not always going to like everyone she encounters, but you really should make more of an effort to try. Not everybody has the same taste and standards in guys. Plus, this is another life lesson thing, Live and Learn. She's never going to learn to pick her own guys and love them for them if a friend is always stepping in to put her down on her choice of man and tell her who to date. Let her be happy. I know you believe that she only thinks she's happy, but that should be enough for any best friend to understand that this guy is someone she likes. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. Heart break will only lead her closer to the guy who is for her.
Sounds like he's emotionally abusive. If you get in her business you will end up being the bad guy, not him.
Don't say anything unless she asks you for your help or an honest opinion.
@nicolemcw@xanga - you're so right!
It's entirely fair and warranted to express your doubts/opinion about the guy if you are legitimately concerned. However, I feel that it starts crossing from "concerned friend" to "pushy bitch" if you give an ultimatum or demand that your friend choose between you and the guy.
I feel that the friend's job is to let the girlfriend know, honestly but politely, how she feels; then really listen to the girlfriend's response instead of dismissing it out of hand (there could be things going on that you don't see); and finally, respect the girlfriend's decision no matter what it is and be supportive. That means no secretly hoping the relationship fails (or worse, sabotaging the relationship "for her own good"). Instead, hope that you're wrong, hope that it works out well, try to see the good in it instead of all the bad, and be there for her whether it works out or whether it fails.
If you've got something to say, then say it. But I think that ultimately, it's her choice if she's happy with him. If he's an asshole, then hopefully she'll come to her senses. I think intervention should be done if he's abusing her or hurting her physically and/or emotionally (you did say that she gets yelled at and rudely spoken to, but if it doesn't bother her that much then that's her choice). Maybe there's something that he does that makes her happy, all to her then. But I'm totally like you too, each time I think something's wrong then I say what's up but I'll leave it at that. haha
high five! raw hoinesty has always got me in trouble but i never got myself to get rid of it.
i think maybe you can just say something like " i'm not saying that he's bad but don't you think that he (fill in one very obvious imperfection)?" If she says no then just forget the issue.
do you think that would help?
@annannne - It might, but her personality about most things is to pretend nothing is wrong, which is why we, as in my group of friends, tend to get a little nervous around this guy,because we know she won't be totally upfront and honest with us about how he's treating her. It's definitely a tricky situation, but when it comes down to it, when he does something in front of me, I'm standing up for her and myself, because it's just the right thing to do.
@KerrSull ohhh my god! i know that one..they just dont seem to understand!!! like it's impossible to believe that we can be genuinely worried by their situation...
well..i guess you could try to act nicer aroud the guy. just for her to see that you mean no harm and actually want the best for her. it's my idea of the first step of making her actually listen to what you have to say.
Caution: This advice is under the assumption that this guy is OBJECTIVELY a douche.
I love how people are saying don't tell her until she gets abused. How do you think people end up in abusive relationships? It doesn't happen overnight. If your friend jumps into the Arctic Ocean, I don't think you'll wait till she has hypothermia to save her. Give her your two cents but at the same time be fair. You have to make her comfortable and lead her away from being defensive (If you are a good friend, I doubt she will get defensive). Point out the good but also show that the bad outweighs it. It's hard for people to see past their feet but that's why we have friends, so they can tell you where you are and if it's good for you. Honesty is always the best option but being "raw" is not the only way you should aim to present it. You also have to to be compassionate and understanding of the situation. If you sound hateful then she might just think you have beef against him or some kind of personal vendetta. If you are really close to her then she will probably understand, and if she doesn't, ask your friends and have her talk to them or vice versa. There is power in numbers and from what I've seen it is true especially for girls. You only let people learn through hardship when they don't learn from other people's mistakes. We don't make mistakes and watch mistakes happen just to see another one take place and us not say anything about it. I know personally that I don't want friends that are yes men/women. When I get in a bad situation I want people who want the objective BEST for me...not what I think is the best for me. Somethings you want most in life aren't good for you. If you have any questions I'd be more than happy to help you.
If she chooses to ignore you advice, don't give up. Be her friend through thick and thin. If she has a problem with him be the first one to listen to her, you'll build trust and she will eventually see what you are trying to say and it might save her even more heart break. At the end of the day, be her friend no matter what and keep being honest even when honesty is a blunt tool.