Saturday, 28 August 2010

• When Can You Call Yourself a Woman?

  
  Up until recently, I hadn't considered myself a woman. For years, I was stuck in that terrible Britney Spears limbo between girl-dom and womanhood. After some introspection, I realized that my problem lay in my definition of a woman:
  
  1) She must wear sensible shoes
  2) She must carry some sort of leather satchel
  3) She must shop at L.L. Bean
  4) She must have short(ish) hair and be named something like "Jean"
  5) She must be incredibly confident in all aspects of her character
  
  Clearly, my image of a woman (excluding the fifth requirement, which is legitimate) had nothing to do with age or mindset and everything to do with points that tipped the Soccer Mom scale. After realizing this, I became dead set on figuring out what my real goals are-- what things I need to achieve before I can be comfortable calling myself that word: "woman."
  
  1) Learn how to play pool
  The only way to be a woman is to be a huge bad ass. You cannot be a huge bad ass without being able to play pool. Ergo, I've got to bring my ass into a bar and get crackin' on those colorful balls.
  
  2) Learn how to cartwheel
  For me, this would represent an important personal goal overcome. For years, I've tried to cartwheel. All of my friends can do it, but whenever I try, it results in this sort of awkward airborne half-somersault where I look like a leaping armadillo. If you make your own list like this (it was fun, totally do it), include something that you've always wanted to be able to do (assuming that you, like ALL PEOPLE EVER BESIDES ME, can cartwheel).
  
  3) Learn how to fix a car
  I'd like to be at that point of car knowledge where I don't just make dirty jokes out of the terminology (i.e. "I'd like to blow his head gasket."). Not only is it incredibly useful to know how to fix your own car, but it's self-reliant and interesting. To be a woman, I must be confident in my ability to take care of myself financially and mechanically with little external assistance.
  
  4) Be financially independent
  I can't be all grown up and stuff if I'm still accepting money from my parents. I'll still need to do this for a couple of years while I continue to be a student, but once that's over with, it's (financial) independence day (featuring Will Smith).
  
  5) Be able to build things
  There's nothing better than making something with your hands. If I had the time to learn how to build a shed, or a house, I'd do it immediately.
  
  So it looks like I've got my work cut out for me before I can blossom into lady-ness.
  What are your woman requirements? Or do you already feel comfortable calling yourself a woman? If so, when did you become comfortable with doing so?
  And if you're a dude... well... hey... what's up?
  

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