Monday, 23 August 2010
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Why We Create Drama When it Comes to Relationships
When it comes to relationships, do you ever notice that there is always conflict. Usually it has to do with one of the parties making more effort than their SO. Relationships are never equal, in other words, the Brady Bunch does not exist. There is always inequality of some sort. Whether it's financial, sex, making plans, etc.I have not once heard of a couple who is all hunky dory. So WHY can't this exist? Why don't we all just live happily ever after? Well it's because subconsciously..we don't really want to.
You see, we create a lot of drama for ourselves even though in reality our lives are relatively normal. So we remain dissatisfied with our partner in order to keep it interesting. Have you ever had make-up sex? Ok, enough said.
I read this really interesting article about how drama is all an illusion. Here is an excerpt from it:
Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years. “But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.” That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal. We're trying to make our life into a fairy tale.
Fascinating, isn't it? Ok so now applying that to relationships, it makes a lot of sense why we may create an imbalance in order to maintain friction. Think about it. Do you want to go see a movie where the couple is ecstatic the entire time, playing in meadows and feeding ducks? No! We want scandal. And then after all the fighting and crying, the couple can be happy...until the sequel.
Ok, ok, ok. Yes it is human nature to have fights with someone, especially if you have known them for a while. But in my opinion, it sometimes gets to a point where we are all just being a bunch of drama kings and queens.
"Reality" shows are actually a great example. They are all scripted. It's because that constant intense drama doesn't exist; so they make it up.
We complain to everyone else but our SO, when it could just be resolved with a conversation and bottle of wine.
So I'm curious everyone, are we afraid that if we all had perfect relationships, it would be boring?
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Comments (30)
I wish my relationship was perfect. I have enough stuff going on in the rest of my life. I don't need a dramatic relationship.
Exactly. I think in our fast paced, self-gratifying culture, we are (subconsciously or no) terrified of boredom. We don't know how to handle it - because we almost never need to. So when our relationships appear to start becoming boring - we rush to create something to focus on, like a fight. (I've done this many times, I'm ashamed to admit.) But I'm slowly starting to realize - that sometimes "boredom" is preferable to an excess of drama, or forever searching for someone. Maybe what we call "boredom" - really is ... normal life, and we just don't know how to accept that yet.
Yeah true story! I have to agree mostly.
Interesting.
Maybe..doesn't seem too far from the truth. I don't try..it just happens with me. *sigh* though I don't want it. It's usually not my fault..though my bf is very understanding. I'm thankful for that. I want only peace..and happiness with my bf.
@Passionflwr86@xanga - if only you would consult Disney, all the little girls wouldn't grow up wanting their "prince charming".
I agree, we should strive for no drama and normalcy. That in itself is a challenge, I really think that people are less invested in self control now adays, which is the cause of the drama and then we further perpetuate that drama with our need for "ups and downs"I would be afraid of having things 'too perfect'-it would make me worry because really..there is NO perfect relationship only people who see their relationship in a bubble, their own world...where maybe they don't want to admit there are problems. Maybe some relationships don't have as intense issues...like maybe the couple isn't fighting or disagreeing non-stop-but there could be underlying problems maybe neither person wants to address due to fear of breaking up or realizing that what they hold so dear is not as perfectly wonderful as it started out to be. So I suppose the question is ...is happiness worth keeping your mouth shut and not complaining or should we constantly question and bring up things that bother us about our S.O even when we fear it may make him or her angry and possibly question the relationship altogether. I am probably guilty of the first because I tend to see the good in people and am not so great at confrontation...But I think there should also be compassion and forgiveness in a relationship where you forgive the person for their faults and the things that annoy you about them.
i'm terrified of normal. sanity is boring.
@ConfusionwithaK11@xanga - Yeah, I agree..I think that's why we do have a population of single women who are looking for "perfection"-handsome, charming, rich, nice...etc...Maybe we just can't have all that and to have such high expectations only sets us up to be disappointed by human beings who are flawed.
@Passionflwr86@xanga - Hmmm that kinda brings light to something that's been going on in my noggin the past couple weeks...(not to be bragadocious or anything)...but things have for the past year and half been really wonderful for me and the boyfriend and recently I think I've been LOOKING for things that bother me-in my mind worrying that this could all lead to the end of 'us'. Maybe I just know him so well I'm almost reaching that boredom phase where I'm looking for something to go horribly wrong!
I don't create drama because I know something will come up.
My boyfriend and I don't start fights, and hopefully when we have our first fight, we'll be able to deal with it maturely.
When you fight, there's a possibily that you will lose something, which creates the desire to attain it.
I try to keep the drama to a minimum in my relationship, but sometimes I may just go a little crazy.. I don't mean to though, and I always make sure to clear the air and apologize. Not everyone is perfect.
Well, of course I wouldn't want my relationship to get boring but I'd definitely chose to have positive things happen then to create drama for excitement. I try to avoid drama..but sometimes it's just unavoidable..lol.
because we don't really accept the person as whom he/she is completely. we aren't satisfied about things and start to criticize the person for what the person can't give us. the person can give but we demand more and more. thus, creating drama because we are greedy, selfish and irrational
I think you've hit something on the nose here. I've never really understood why people would want to create drama in their relationship. I see my friends in happy, loving relationships but there's always something that one of them can't let go about the other person that causes them to complain all the time and just drive their partner away.
I would like to think that my relationship now is completely perfect 99.5 percent of the times. Of course there are times that we get frustrated with each other, and there are times that we get in disagreements but usually this only lasts a few hours and we are back to our normal selves.
We have been conditioned to think that if there is no bad in our life and we are just happy then we do not get attention at all. I'm not sure that we can blame reality tv, but it has something to do with the problem our society has come to face.
o_o Not here. I'm perfectly content with things working out nicely, sans fights. I'm not bored with my SO, nor is he bored with me.
But I think it's because we don't have arguments; we spar.
Lol. No. I hate drama. I love peace. I seriously love it. I do not get bored of anything.
I have to agree with this post. I am a self-proclaimed drama queen which is awful. Luckily, I have friends who don't mind entertaining my strange notions of life. It makes life interesting but at the same time, it can get in the way.
That's really interesting... Never seen it that way...
I avoid drama at all costs. That is why I don't have female friends that I spend any time with; it seems young females bring drama everywhere with them. I am in a peaceful relationship and we communciate well. There is almost no drama in my life at all, it's fantastic. People need to actually work for the things they want and not expect perfect, happy relationships to appear at their door.
I live in reality. There isn't a "perfect" relationship to be found. There's always going to be something that happens that stresses us out and, unfortunately, our loved ones can the first in our line of sight.
I don't ever have typical dating drama in my relationship. I don't know if that is what you are referring to, or you are simply talking about any kind of drama.
Point is, if you ever feel emotions, you're going to have some drama.
Very interesting. I never thought I had a problem with drama in relationships until I consulted one of my ex's about what I do in relationships that sucks when I knew my last relationship was about to end. He said I made a big deal out of little things... and that's pretty much why we started fighting, and why it ended. I think I actually remember thinking a little bit about that in my last relationship... how there was nothing wrong, so I started worrying about little things that I probably didn't need to worry about, and then there really was something wrong. It sucks... I say I want drama-free, but then I find myself creating it... I think this article definitely hit on some facts.
This is a good post. I think most of it is true. We need drama in our lives to keep things interesting. As much as we all say we hate drama, we almost live for it. I mean, there are magazines, tv shows, movies, books all made just for the scandal and 'omg' factors. Life would be pretty boring without those dramatic moments. I mean, it wouldn't be so fun to ALWAYS be perfectly happy and have everything go exactly as it should.
It would make life a whole lot easier to not have these kinds of things going on in relationships and other aspects of our lives but at the same time, it's what makes us put in the extra efforts to keep those things.
Once you get to know someone and around them so often you start to notice the little things that you didn't before and start to realize that some of those things bug you. Sometimes it's just because your going through a phase and that thing bugs you during that time.
A lot of it also depends on both of your moods. Sometimes even the weather can cause a lot of the starting points to mood changes and 'drama'.
There are just too many things in relationships and everyday life to have a perfect drama free world.
It will always be there, no matter how much you try to avoid it.
I think you're on to something there. Also at times drama is created to ensure the other person's emotions. "If he's willing to yell and fight with me, he must love me." Or "if she's so angry about my female friends, she must be jealous and crazy about me." But, eh. Boring is easier and more enjoyable.
Perfect=boring. Fighting=Unhealthy.
There really is no end to whatever is going on. Of course, there will be some fights here and there with any couple. But the reality really lies within the maturity of the couple. Some can handle and resolve conflicts within minutes by sitting down and talk. Others can get really fumed, walk off, and not speak to each other for a few days. And really, it's getting over the fight that is the big issue, not the fight itself.
I stay away from drama and whenever I feel some tension, I always try to talk it out. I may bring up some issues here and there, but it's not to start a fight for the sake of starting a fight. I bring it up to discuss it because it's something that's bothering me.