Monday, 23 August 2010
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Help! How To Deal With My SO's Dad Putting Him Down
Datingish readers, one of your own needs you!kitkats_guitar12 asked:
I've been with my guy for about nine months. I really love him and he is the best guy I've ever been with. We are a great couple. I have one issue though, and this is the ONLY issue. He is twenty and lives with his parents.
Now, he is in school and trying to get a job, and he's doing well with that. But the problem really isn't that he lives with his parents-- it's his parents.
His dad is ALWAYS yelling at him. My boyfriend will do nothing wrong, but his dad is always there to yell at him. The house is cold? My bf broke the thermostat. The truck is leaking oil? My bf didn't take care of it. My bf does A LOT of things to help out around the house. He does more than anyone. He finds the good deals on trucks, he changes the oil in the trucks, he fixes them when something goes wrong, but he he gets yelled at for driving them. His dad also yells at my bf's sister and mom.
I tell my bf to move out but he says that won't change anything and that his dad will still call him every hour to yell at him. I am to the point where I don't even like going to his house anymore because his dad's constant yelling is annoying and it makes me sad that my bf has to deal with it. I am at a total lost at what to do.
How can I make this situation better for me and for my man?
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About the Author
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- From: kitkats_guitar12@xanga
- About Me: Yea, I don't write any of this so people can feel sorry for me (popular belief). For one, pitty never solved anything or helped anyone. If you have any opinion about what I say, I would love to hear it, especially advice or support, or opposition. Thanks, and good luck with your life.
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Comments (20)
I'm in pretty much the same situation. The only thing you can do is stay out of it. It's not your place and if you try to intervene it will only make things worse. I learned that the hard way. When it comes to your SO and his parents, you really have to just bite your tongue.
Honestly, I don't know. Apparently confrontation doesn't work at all. I have a similar situation with my bf..except he works full time and pays all of the bills but is constantly put down. I let my feelings be known and it almost got us kicked out. Honestly, maybe you can talk to his dad and ask him not to yell to much? As it's hurting your ears? Honesty is not the best policy..not when it comes to people like this.
You can't really do much, I'm afraid. And getting involved just brings trouble it seems..
I'm sorry.
og my goodness, my boyfriend and his dad have the EXACT same relationship. how scary.. it's good to know he isn't the only one out there who gets shit on for no reason :( it really takes a toll on his emotions and growing up being in that situation is what most likely made him have anger issues today. thankfully he can control it and is the sweetest boy ever.
i'm really sorry you're boyfriend has to deal with it as well, i hope you guys find a solution that will make both of you happyI used to be in this situation until I stood up for my man and refused to visit his father's house. It took almost two years for his dad to catch the hint - but since, things have gotten much better.
Always go out or go over to your house. Don't stay at his. If his dad realizes you don't want to be around him and his embarassing yelling, he might get the hint.
If you guys are really serious, invite him to live with you (if you are on your own), or maybe see about getting a place together. Unless your boyfriend stands up to his dad and pretty much tells him he doesn't deserve that crap and he won't take it any more, things won't change.
Everybody is right just avoid it, from the father and the boyfriend. Stop entertaining his victim rants as well. All relationship dynamics are like a dance it takes two people to waltz so believe it or not your boyfriend feeds into it making it the norm in his household. When he really gets fed up he will change his situation, until then just support him but don't indulge him for your sanity as well.
@Gorrific@xanga - I concur. Issues between father and son need to be resolved between father and son. Not between father and son's girlfriend.
and that brings up another question... is there even an issue? or is it just the girlfriend that's bothered by what she's observing and assuming to be an issue?
I'm asking because it wasn't clear how the boyfriend feels about the situation with his father.
My boyfriend gets nagged at, hounded, and put down. I just wanna jump in and say something because of course I love my boyfriend and want to protect him, but truly he needs to handle it his way.
@thewindycity@xanga - the boyfriend really hates it and he does tell his dad he doesn't like it. but it always just results in more yelling and nothing gets resolved.
it just makes me feel awkward when i'm around it, and i hate getting calls with his dad yelling in the backround, or hearing my boyfriend feelin blue cause he just got screamed at again.
I wouldn't suggest saying anything to the dad. It sounds like he needs therapy. If he's yelling and angry all the time, there may be something wrong with the way his brain is working, and I say that in all seriousness. Look up Dr. Daniel G. Amen (or rather, have your bf or his mom look him up), or a doctor like him. I read a book of his about how our brain activity can uncontrollably affect the way we behave, and sometimes things go haywire. It is possible to fix things, so... I suggest that kind of therapy. Hope that helps.. Good luck!
@Gorrific@xanga - I agree. This is something her boyfriend needs to deal with not her.
The best thing to do is to be supportive of him; remind him of what he already knows -- that it's not really his fault, that his Dad is just like that, and be a refuge for him. I am in a situation like your boyfriend's and that is what helps me.
Sounds like my boyfriend's dad. That's not an easily simplified solution, to say the least. This is really your boyfriend's problem which most likely he'll have to put up with until he can become independent of his parents...just try not to internalize it and be supportive of him, I would say.
Trust me, I've been there. Within the first three months of dating my boyfriend, I began to see the ugly side of his dad-constantly yelling and RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I suppose that's what happens when you become comfortable and sort of "part of the family". Sorry that you have to deal with that! It will be better once he's out and away from the screaming ogre lol
Looks like it's just kind of a guy thing, I have the same problem! My boyfriend doesn't live with his parents, he lives with me and my mom. His dad will call him at 7am just to bitch about how he's not awake and doing some errand for him or at work yet. It's crazy! And the guys always seem to just put up with it. I don't think there's anything that we as girlfriends can say or do :[
There really isn't a solution to this. Your boyfriend will have to find a source of income and try to find a way out of the situation where he can be by himself and only deal with his dad when he really wants. Until then, your boyfriend and yourself will have to try not to get the father figure get to you. Ignore it. Even though it may be hard on your boyfriends ego, aslong as he has you and other people by his side, he can still be happy and deal with what he has to deal with.
Don't try to use confrontation as a means of fixing things, because this man is probably someone who isn't going to change at this point in his life. Some people just aren't very happy people, and they will go to any means to make sure the people around them aren't happy either.
Hope that eventually this situation will get sorted out.
@Gorrific@xanga - This is true.
At the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband his father used to yell at him for every small thing. It really didn't end until he moved out with me. When he was at his parents house I tried to intervene when his father had gotten on MY nerves, trust me, this is not a good idea. You need to comfort your BF and make sure he knows that you don't think his father is doing the right thing. Only your BF can stand up to his father about the issue.
Sounds like my dad, pretty much to a tee.
Honestly, there's nothing you can do aside from move out. Unless he is financially stable and ready to do so, I wouldn't recommend that at all. If you aren't prepared to move out, it can be an extremely poor decision. Young people tend to be very rash.
Standing up to his dad will only cause him to dislike you and lump you into your boyfriend's problems. I say stay out of it. It's his problem. He's a man, he can deal with it.
I'm shocked at how many other girls are in the same position as mine as well. My boyfriend is yelled at by both his mom and dad to the point of verbal abuse and I never know what to say. I feel so bad for him, but seeing what he goes through only makes me appreciate my own life -- and him more.
agee .. thats how i feel . It makes me hate parents,
My Dad was an ass, too. My girlfriend at the time let me stay with her at her parents house and my life really started around that time. One part of me says don't be a Captain Save-A-Bro but the other acknowledges that it worked for me and I am thankful for it.
That being said she asked if I want to move and I said yes. Convincing someone is not a good move.