Thursday, 19 August 2010

• If McDonalds Was A Girl, I'd Put A Ring On It

  McDonald’s is a down bitch, she's "ride or die" like Bonnie, and I'm her Clyde.

  I should be honest and just tell you now that two double cheese burgers lost their lives the night that I wrote this piece… I suppose that with a full confession, the sentence past down to me will be maybe only 1,100 more calories. OK, fine, I actually had three of them.

  I fucking love me some McDonalds. I wish that I didn’t. I really wish they would just disappear and leave me alone for good, just stop already. It’s like a hot ex who I have a hard time saying no to! I don't stand a chance, I know its bad for me… but it’s a quarter after one I’m a little drunk and I need you now…

  I haven’t found a girlfriend yet who I'd be down for marrying, but if a girl that I was dating took some cues from good old "ride or die"  Mickey-D's? Well, she’d get a ring faster then Kobe’s wife did.
  

  What cues are these? I’m glad you asked.

  Stay open late

  See, I don’t need Mickey-D’s at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday, I want it whenever I want it. Which, like sex for me, can happen at random times. Look, when I need a double cheeseburger I NEED a double cheeseburger. I don’t wanna wait for it. Same with my girl, sometimes I wish that things stayed open a little bit later, no matter how early she has to get up in the morning. Speaking of morning... no matter what you looked like the night before, or how different you may look in the morning, me and my little buddy (that's what I call him) want another go at it, morning time to guys is like shopping time for you with someone else's credit card, always ready to go.

  Keep it looking clean

  It doesn’t take someone with OCD (which, I have) to figure out that the safest, cleanest place to take a poop when traveling is… yep, Mickey-D’s. It’s like a magical pooping place. No need for you to squat in here ladies. (Question: So when girls are going number two squatting over the bowl, isn’t there some splashing involved? I don’t understand? Do you not make little paper nests to sit on?? Someone please explain, email me.)
  

  Anyways, its always clean in there, always with the same fruit citrus smell, pretty lavender hues on the walls, the same lighting, and I always look skinnier in their mirror, it's almost like a dream world. Never have they been without paper or soap. See, that’s what I want out of a wife too. Consistently tidy. I don’t mean our house… I mean actually her. Keep the “Girl” trimmed up, the roots in check, and the nails looking on point. Does Mickey-D’s let the paint get chipped on their walls? Fuck no! And neither should you with your nails! 

  Don’t try and be something that you’re not

  I don’t like surprises that much, unless, of course, those surprises happen to be delivered to me by an Asian girl, in my hotel room, I mean really though? Who doesn’t want a fluffed pillow? 

  What I love most about Mickey-D’s is that I don’t go in and find new shit every time I’m there. No surprises. See, they have the same nasty food that they’ve had since I was a tiny little boy… the same shitty toys, even the same bullshit glass house full of pennies. That's them. I dig that about them though, I don’t like change. They don't try and reinvent themselves. Look, I didn’t decided to commit to you, thinking that maybe in 17 years, you’d suddenly decide to practice yoga every single morning at 6am, and now in fact,  you’ve changed your whole stance on sleeping late and you really do care that I love sleeping in…
  

  Know the value of a dollar

  I once had a girlfriend hand me a twenty-dollar bill for our groceries, when the bill was just over two hundred dollars. She wasn’t good at math, however she was smoking hot, can’t win every time I guess. I had another girl tell me that a fifty thousand dollar wedding ring was more then reasonable since I was, after all, a professional baseball player!

  OK, yes I probably shouldn’t of lied to her about that, but I got excited! Truth be told I’ve never actually played baseball; I don’t even own a baseball mitt. Is that what they’re called? Again this girl was banging hot! So, yes, I said that I was a baseball player. Then after we talked a bit, she said that a fifty thousand dollar wedding ring was “not that much” considering my large salary. It was right then and there that I told her about my pretend “crazy wife Lisa.” Lisa's are always a bit cray cray, it sounded believable to me. I said that I would need to be divorced from her, before I could re-marry another. She informed me that she wouldn’t have sex with me until I did just that, but that once I did… she would “rock my world.” Classy!

  Don’t be stingy with the condiments

  Ask them for a ketchup packet… you’ll get thirty. Do need a napkin? Take fifty. How about a refill on your soft drink? It’s almost like they’ve got little hobbits owned by Coca-Cola in their basement that just sit around in tiny chairs and make that shit all day long, they never run out of soda! Well, when I have a wife, I want her to give me all the little free things too, and without fussing as well. A back rub, a compliment, a kiss, or the benefit of the doubt… these things are all free and you don’t lose anything by doing them. It's never worth it to nickel and dime your man.

  Don’t apologize for being awesome

  When’s the last time McDonald’s said sorry for anything? Making people fat, making kids fat, or making me binge eat French fries at 3am? Why would they say sorry for that? It's beyond fact you’d be better off eating a whole pack of smokes then a Big Mac, but so what? Nobody made you stop in. You can buy an apple 24 hours a day anywhere any gas station--fuck, you can buy apples at McDonalds 24 hours a day! But you don’t, and that is not their fault.
  

  They don’t care about your bullshit and that’s because they’re hardcore, just like I want my woman to be. Don’t say sorry for taking long to get ready, don’t say sorry for wanting attention, and don’t let me bully you around. I need to be put in my place, every guy does… that along with loving me are your two most important jobs.

  I will someday find a wife… no, my fingers aren’t crossed, I do think that I could find one.

  When or where? Slow down… I can tell you this though, what I really want is a girl who is ride or die just like Mickey-D’s. I wanna grow old together, enjoy some meals together, already know what’s on the menu without looking (Blow job… yes, Swallow… no, Ok got it!) and I'd like to want it even more when I’m wasted, and finally I want someone who's not going to cost me a lot of money down the line.

  I think that I’ve found that girl, I won’t dare tell her yet, not until I’m 100 percent sure of it. When the moment comes though… and we’re pressed tightly against each other, bodies wet, toes curled, her bottom lip gently in my teeth, maybe with a light tug of her hair even… I’m going to whisper with a warm wet kiss right into her ear, four little words, and that’s how she’ll know…
  

  Baby… I’m loving it!

  What do you think? Are there any stores of restaurants that embody what you want in an SO? How?
  

  Image Source

  • 9:02 PM
  • 4217 Views
  • 91 eProps
  • 44 Comments