Wednesday, 18 August 2010
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The Lines in Your Relationship
Boundaries are infinitely important, and it's even more important that your significant other knows exactly where those are, if you want things to last.
A lot of guys I know are firm to these "lines," they don't budge. But a lot of women I know are too ready to move them for "the right guy."
In my mind, if he's the right guy, he won't want you do to that. Unless they're just ridiculous.Other than cheating, my one firm, unmovable line pertains to alcohol.
After growing up with a father who (although I know loved me) regularly abused alcohol, one of my firmest lines stands there. I expect my boyfriend to drink (I mean, hell, he's 21, and stationed on an Air Force base in Las Vegas), and that's fine with me. As long as it stays where it belongs-- the weekend. A while ago he called me on a Wednesday and he was 3 sheets to the wind. I was upset.
I was especially upset because we had already been over this conversation, I thought we had it covered. I never got over the feeling that my dad had picked alcohol over his children. I refuse, 100%, to be with a man that I thought showed the signs of becoming an alcoholic.
I told him I was upset and I didn't want to talk anymore, that he could just call me tomorrow, if he was sober.I could tell he felt terrible and he told me that, if I wanted, he'd stop drinking altogether. Of course, I'm not that vapid, and I know it's just not applicable to his life, and that's fine, but he knows that we'll be on thin ice if he starts drinking more nights than not.
original post
Where are your boundaries? How do you deal when your SO crosses them? Have you ever moved them for somebody?
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About the Author
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- From: aexanatomy@xanga
- About Me: I'm a proud USAF wife, a gamer, a knitter, a comic book fanatic, and I know my way around a kitchen. I write sporadically, and sometimes about ridiculous subjects. Welcome to my life. :)
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Comments (27)
My boyfriend and I had issues with alcohol, too; my mother was an alcoholic.
We actually wound up going to counseling for it, because it was so "immovable a line" that we had trouble discussing it on our own -- we don't really have trouble with anything else like we did with alcohol.
It helped a lot. You could consider that?
Just cheating really, and anything self destructive.
@TruthNeverTold@xanga - agreed
My ex-boyfriend pushed most of my boundaries. He drank CONSTANTLY and even told me that it was the only way he felt good. Needless to say, that relationship, thankfully, tanked.
Sometimes you just need to evaluate your relationship and see if your boundaries are the same.
1. No cheating
2. YOU MUST HAVE HOPES AND DREAMS (no deadbeats for me)
3. College education must have happened, or be happening
4. NO FIGHTING (physical fighting that is)
5. No excessive drinking
6. Must want children (if you get with me, you get one automatically)
That's about it. Maybe I have a few too many rules.
Yeah I have recently developed a firm line on alcohol as well. I don't have alcoholics in my immediate family, but both my parents grew up in that environment and they have instilled in me just how serious it is. I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a year and half now, and he just recently gave up alcohol altogether because it was putting such a strain on our relationship.
Lines are drawn throughout a relationship. The 'standards' for a relationships are always there.
Am I the only one who thinks college educations are a tad bit over rated? I have seen many people make more money then the Kappa Gamma that graduated by the skin of their teeth while playing beer pong in their spare time.... it annoys me. College does not = dateable.
With my boyfriend, any type of alcoholic drinking is unacceptable, he knows the story why, and he accepts and respects it. Cheating is a definate no, and goodbye always ends with an "I love you" :)
I've got so many double standards, it's insane. But here I go, anyways.
1. I prefer no drinking/drugs/smoking. But if you must, I'd like to be there. Also, I don't mind smoking unless I plan on marrying you, which then, I'd prefer you live longer than 50.
2. You cheat, I'm gone. No exceptions to this WHAT SO EVER. Even if it's just a peck. Sorry.
3. No hanging out with girlfriends one on one, I'm extremely jealous...also, no staring at other girls, saying they're hot, etc.
4. To be determined! If they do something I don't like, and I realize it, then that will go here.
if he has any type of addiction, I won't date him. drug addiction, food addiction, alcohol addiction, porn addiction, etc.
No drugs.
that is quite interesting to see everyone has different boundaries. i guess it really does differ with people. For me is when a guy is not respectful.... and i don't mean, he has to be generally respectful.,,, he NEEDS TO BE RESPECTFUL 24/7. that's my biggest pet peeve and it's enough for him to cross that line.... if he disrespects anybody, he's a goner. iidkk
i used to be so vocal about guys who smoked and never dated a guy who smoked until i met my last ex, he smoked all the time and has tried to quit many of times. i didn't like it at first but after a while, i knew he was struggling with it so i tried to help him quit.
another one is definitely cheating. i don't tolerate that at all. if i meet a guy who's cheated before in his past, i don't even go near that person.
My lines are as follows:
1) No drugs. Period. As for alcohol, not to excess. On special occassions or to maybe unwind after a long hard day, I could understand. But not the whole bottle, ever.
2) I expect anyone who dates me or potentially wants to be with me (the line isn't long though, trust me..either way, I should make them fill out an application. Ha, it'd at least be entertaining for me.) to not ask anything of me that they would not be willing to do themselves. Such as, lose weight, kick a bad habit, ect. First of all, last time I checked, love is all conditional, but I do understand the need to live healthily..but my response to the, "You need to lose 5 pounds." thing would probably be, "I will when you do." Usually, when people throw things like that at you, they have no room to talk.
3) I expect them to take the time to learn me and understand me and I will do the same in turn. I am not someone you can just "get the goods" from. You know what I like and dislike and all the other things about me and that will probably come in good time if I can actually see us lasting, oh, for more than 2 years and possibly getting married.
4) Someone who preferrably doesn't want kids.
No cheating and I don't come second to his fucking PS3.
Violence is the only things I am 100% against, no exceptions.
There are other experiences and situations that will push you to your friggin' limit, but everything is situational, and every relationship is different.
كرة قدم 2010
girls games العاب بنات
batman
العاب تلبيس dress up games
قبله الحب kiss
العاب باربي و براتز barbie, bratz, Hannah-Montana
القبله
السريه secret kiss
العاب مكياج و ميك اب ومنكير make up make over nail
Careers
وظائف خاليه
العاب طبخ cooking games
diner dash
العاب ديكور و تلوين coloring and decorating games
coffee
shop قهوه بو شلاخ
العاب الحب و الزواج love and couple games
your
face تغيير شكل و جهك
العاب اطفال baby games
funny bomber
العاب اكشن action games
hungry
man الرجل الجعان
العاب قتال و حرب war and fighting games
العاب رياضيه sports games
العاب سباقات و سيارات car and racing games
euro soccer game كرة القدم الحديثه
العاب الغاز puzzle games
koraflash
كرة فلاش
video ball movies فيديو كورة
العاب مضحكه fun games
fuuny
مقاطع مضحكه
youtube
يوتيوب
My SO never liked drinking and such but I do. He saw that I dont drink all the time or too much and that it can be something that you do every so often or have a mixde drink for dinner at home. So he moved the line and now drinks himself every once in a while.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - DAMN ps3's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are nothing but relationship ruiners!!!
My boyfriend's line is at alcohol and drugs. He used to be in a band that went on tours and his band members started getting into drugs and alcohol after. Fortunately, I don't drink or do drugs often enough for anyone to worry. The last time I drank was Fourth of July and I probably won't drink again for a few months and the last time I smoked pot (which is the only drug I've done and will ever do) was June 1st, 2009. I don't really have any lines. I know I've moved some of my lines for him considering the circumstances. Like, I always said I wouldn't date someone who wasn't in school, but he couldn't afford it and his mom refused to co-sign for him so that was kind of impossible for him, but he is going back this fall. I also said I wouldn't ever date someone twice because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice, but we broke up and started dating again 8 months later. We both did a lot of growing up between the break up and dating again. The break up only happened because he was afraid that I would go off to college in the fall and want to date other guys and at the time he was in Texas and I was in California.
I could never be with someone who disrespects me, my lifestyle, or the people in my life. Dont cross that line.
@Not_a_real_site@xanga - Hah. Yes, Nellis. And I guess it's different for everyone. I think had I not had issues with family, I wouldn't mind a little weekday drinking, but it just really bugs me.
@RaVnR@xanga - Thank you for the suggestion, and I'll definitely consider it. Once we're living closer (this coming November) I'll probably ask him to go with me.
@chell_kicks_08@xanga - I totally agree with you. While I went to school, I don't have a problem with my SO not really wanting to do that. He's more aimed towards just being a lifetime Airman. Not a problem with me. Everyone's different, and a degree doesn't make the man/woman.