Tuesday, 17 August 2010
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How Long Would You Put Up With Constant Bickering?
We also have very different tastes in everything from movies to music to fashion to ice cream flavors. Don't ask us to pick out anything together because it's usually a two-day process. Decorating the apartment alone left claw marks on the walls. The car radio remains off most of the time now just so we don't bicker over what's playing. When I tell him that we disagree on everything, he just says, "No, we don't!" I rest my case. This was my main reason for splitting the first couple times. I had said we were too different or our personalities had just clashed. It was painful having to fight your way through every decision together and it started getting embarrassing when it happened in front of our friends. We would always get made fun of as "the married couple." They thought it was cute. I did not.
I am almost thirty years old. My boyfriend and I have been together since I was eighteen. It's been a long journey, but here we are in a comfy apartment in the Boston area.To date, we have had two major breakups which resulted in us seeing other people. (The times where we entertained the idea of breaking up but not actually go through with it don't count.) Each breakup lasted no longer than a few months. The first time he asked me back. The second time, I asked him. However, both breakups were my idea. He did not lie, cheat, gamble our money away, or lay a hand on me. He's a good guy. He is trustworthy, supportive, honest, and he cares for my well being.
My problem is this: We fight. A lot. Over the dumbest things.
I have read relationship books (and who can really trust those anyway?), talked with him, talked with my sister, my mom, and some select friends who aren't weather-beaten by the storm of relationship woes I brought to past conversations. I like to hear advice even if I don't always take it. (And on a side note: I truly hate when people get offended when I don't take their advice. Just because I ask someone 'What should I do?' does not mean that I must do it. Advice is more of a suggestion to me than me dropping my problem in your lap and letting you resolve it however you wish.)
I am an adult. I'm well past the part where I think a relationship means holding hands and eating ice cream. I tell myself that this is not going to be a fairytale. Relationships involve work and I understand that all relationships have their petty fights. But let's pretend your relationship was nothing but petty fights. Ten years of it. He didn't do anything wrong enough for you to pack up and walk out, but there are still some days where you are asking yourself, Why are we doing this to ourselves?
Am I kidding myself by thinking we can smooth this out or are we not trying hard enough?
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- From: obesey_tc@xanga
- Name: obesey_tc
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Comments (33)
If you've asked yourself why you're doing this you already know know the answer.
Honestly? You're probably trying too hard..Honestly, if all me and my bf did was fight over petty things for too long..maybe off and on for like a year..I'd seriously consider being with him any longer because it probably won't be any better in the future. But it's really up to you..and your guy, if you wanna be together more.
I would say more..but I won't.
Um... you fight over some pretty stupid shit. Learn to sacrifice and cooperate. If you can't do that from all the years between 18-30 and you're just set in your ways... your relationship is far from healthy and is just likely to be worth a heart attack down the road when you're older and bitching at each other.
Be realistic - how enjoyable is it to bicker all the time? To never see eye to eye? Let the poor guy go, and you both find someone that you are better fitted for. If by some movie-romantic miracle you both are not happy with anyone else besides each other, after being with a lot of other people, so be it. But be realistic.
It sounds like you both have such strong personalities that they get in the way of your relationship. Usually if you love someone enough you will make small sacrifices to make sure they are happy and to avoid a fight. I'm wondering why neither of you does that...if you have fights every time and you're tired of it, why not just give in every now and then, and he do the same, to keep you both sane? However, you do have to think about whether you want to do that the rest of your life with this guy, which might be a little tough. Also, every time you guys broke up, were you doing okay without him? Why did you get back together? Was it because you really wanted to be with him, or because it was just easier to be with someone? I would evaluate these things pretty thoroughly. If you genuinely feel happy being with him and feel that he adds to your life despite the constant fights, then maybe you should lean toward keeping the relationship and working on the fights together (see a counselor if you think it would help). If you're just staying with him because you're scared to alone, or because of his great personality and disposition only, you really don't have much of a relationship do you?
I wouldn't.
A relationship should not be a huge chore. There is some compromise that needs to be done on both parts. If you two cannot compromise a little bit for each other, then I don't think it will work. You can try as long as you want though. Don't waste your life being unhappy and frustrated.
There's definitely a lack of compromise here. Neither of you seem to be willing to give to each other. This isn't something for just this relationship, though. All relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's more important to you: listening to what you want on the radio, or being in a happy relationship where you don't fight all the time? I suppose you could say that this is an extreme case of 'sharing is caring.'
And it's also a possibility that you like fighting. Just throwing that out there.
I guess my question to you would be, to what extent have you guys tried compromising and improving your communication? And after that, how willing are you to compromise and further improve your communication?
A relationship doesn't have to end just because someone was unfaithful or abusive. If that were the case, then everyone would probably be in a miserable relationship. Sometimes when you're with someone for a long time, people tend to grow apart, their behaviors change, or the feelings just aren't what they used to be. Sometimes it's worth tolerating and sometimes it just gets to be too much. That doesn't mean that you should continue the relationship because you put so much effort into it, you don't want to see it all fall apart. If you have to put that much effort into making a relationship work then chances are you're going to have to work harder to keep it together. Being in a relationship is difficult but it shouldn't be a challenge. If it's bothering you this much and seeing as how this is really frustrating you, you should try to communicate your concerns to him. It can only help the relationship.
you guys are spending too much time together than if you're constantly arguing over dumb stuff... you guys should do things you like with your friends or family members and then at the end of the day come home to each other and tell each other how your day was... it's the same exact thing that happened to me with my ex... we lived together for 4 months and we worked together... so we saw each other like the majority of the day and it was ok at first but it started to get annoying and then we would end up arguing over nothing... you guys need to communicate more instead of arguing so much over stupid stuff
People fight when they're together all the time. I've noticed that if I spend the whole day with my boyfriend by the end of the night his comments are starting to get on my nerves and same with me to him. We don't break up over them and we don't always fight over them. When we start fighting, we usually come up with a solution or one of us gives in to the other. It's not worth fighting unless it's something serious which it usual isn't. I think fighting is a common theme in relationships, but I think it helps make relationships stronger. If you two are both always sunshine and butterflies it would get annoying, too. Maybe this is just my sister and I, but we both hate when we date guys who constantly agree with everything we say even if we know they don't actually agree. I'd rather date a guy who gives me his opinion then just let me act like I'm right. Nothing but petty fights might be too much though. You two obviously care about each other if you're still together after all this time. You guys should try working it out. If anything, talking about it will help the relationship.
so wait, he's just your boyfriend? you guys aren't married? 12 years and not married? i just wont say anything about that. But my last boyfriend and i fought for 3 years back and forth over the dumbest things. We broke up for one month and then for another month and then for two weeks and we stopped talking for weeks and then i broke up with him. And that was the end of it. If you really can't take it and if you're really that different, just end it for good. It seems like you guys are just comfortable with each other rather than being in love with each other.
it's obviously not going to get better. if that's something you're content with, then that's that. if it's not, then you're only wasting your time.
personally, i would want to find someone i had more in common with. otherwise, what's your common ground even? love is not all you need. there is/should be more to a relationship.
I'm in the same boat as you.. sigh..
"...my main reason for splitting the first couple times."
There's your answer. Just let him go. You both deserve better.
i think you should stay. it doesnt sound like you don't love each other, just that you don't know how to communicate effectively. you need to remind each other that you are on the same team when you are fighting. this works, trust me. during a disagreement simply say "listen im on your team and i don't want to fight with you" especially if you two are arguing about small things. also, remind yourself that relationships are dynamic and go throw phases. sometimes you get along and sometimes you don't. and youre right, relationships are hard work, but the more work you put into it, the greater the reward.
End it. You aren't making each other happy.
My boyfriend and I constantly bicker, but it's in a joking way and never serious. We laugh about it :)
I think you should end it, you guys are only still together because all you know is each other, you haven't given yourselves enough time to connect with anyone else. You fight all the time over little things, you have NOTHING in common, so what's the point? It's going to be hard to move on from a 10 year realtionship, but you'll be glad you did.
if you can't even compromise on a radio station to listen to after all these years, then I think it isn't healthy for your sanity because the resentments will only build up.
My boyfriend and I don't have the same tastes in much either, BUT we use that as a positive. We listen to each other, and try to learn more from each other, instead of just bickering. Sometimes we do bicker, we have to take turns listening to the radio station in the car, we take turns picking out movies, and honestly it just comes down to compromising sometimes.
We've both been in relationships where we were completely intune with the other person hobby wise, and interest wise, but they were horrible relationships aside from that.
If you really are asking yourself why you're putting yourself through this with someone, then you obviously shouldn't be with the person. It's just not working out.
Differences can be put aside aslong as you're both trying to do something for the relationship and are compromising every once in awhile. You can't just assume that he should listen to your music all the time, or go out with your friends all the time. You have to do the same.
isn't there a saying like "opposite attracts"? not so in your case?
me and my boyfriend are just like you and yours (we've broken up over the clashing personalities twice also) it all boils down to if your guys love eachother enough have you honesty tried to show interest in that the other likes? my bf's music gives me the worse headache, but becuase i tried, (without complain or insults) he did the same if me at a concert, and tv shows...he sat though simpsons, i sat though family guy.. lol instead of complains, try vague compliments
like you said little things add up fast-both the neg. and the positive
hope it helps :)
My roommate would say, if you question it, it's not real. I don't necessarily agree...I fight with my boyfriend often (about trust issues, and me talking to guys I've been with years ago) and I love him with all my heart. I guess just keep re-evaluating your situation and how you feel. I think if he makes you happy, that's number one.
uh im like 20 and has so little experience in dating than you but i thought it was very true when i heard the secret to a good relationship is that one person is constantly sayiiing "yes honey." my mum and dad are that way. my bf and i are the same. high school teacher said the same thing
Thank you everyone for the comments. (I believe I read them all.) You've saved me some money on a therapist, although I won't rule out seeing a real one. ;)