I generally don't regret things. Sure, I do things that I'm not proud of, of course, but usually, I just decide not to regret my bad decisions because they've taught me valuable lessons. What I'm about to tell you is a story about my single most prominent regret: staying with my ex-boyfriend purely out of guilt.
At first, our relationship was amazing. We spent hours talking to one another, and were stunned by how much we had in common: "Really? I love Calvin and Hobbes too!" "HEY, I ALSO WANT FOUR KIDS!" But after a couple of weeks, he told me that he was falling in love with me, and I started to feel like we had been moving too fast. Also, there was something about him that seemed... off... that I just couldn't place. So, I tried to break it off with him.
Me: Hey... so I've been thinking... I'm really not ready to be this serious with someone.
Him: I disagree.
Me:... what?
Him: I disagree. I think we're perfect for one another and that you need to give me a chance.
Every day, I wish I hadn't been such a pushover, but I looked at him, tears in his eyes, his jaw clenched, and I nodded. "Okay. You're right, maybe I need to give this a chance." I felt a pang in my stomach that told me I had made a terrible decision, but I quelled that feeling in favor of fake happiness. Eventually, this facade actually turned into real happiness. It seemed, for a while, that staying with him was the right decision. We had a fantastic physical relationship, he was extremely sweet, and we were great friends.
Then, after six months or so, things started to go downhill. That thing about him that seemed a little off started to grow. He seemed really morose all the time, and he was constantly complaining. He never came up with date ideas, and when I did, he never wanted to do anything. He constantly picked fights with me, which started a vicious cycle of my becoming angry and subsequently picking fights with him. It just wasn't working anymore.
I was about to leave for a month-long trip to Germany the next day, so I decided to break it off with him and then flee the country-- it seemed bulletproof: I would leave him and then have all that time alone to heal my heart. We sat in his car, and I told him that I didn't think we were working anymore. I figured he would agree, and that we would part and make friends, but to my surprise, he started to cry.
Between his shaking sputters, he explained to me that he was severely depressed, and that I was the only thing that was making him happy. I held him for hours while he talked to me about his disease, and I cried, wondering why he hadn't told me sooner, or why I hadn't figured it out on my own. I felt so terrible that I did the unthinkable: told him that I would be with him again. I knew I shouldn't. I knew that I couldn't love him the same way anymore, but I felt like he needed me and that leaving him would be incredibly selfish. Only later would I find out that staying with him just to make him happy, and putting on a hollow shell of fake love, was the truly selfish deed.
We continued to date for a few months, and as time went on, I became increasingly unhappy while he was blissfully unaware. But, as I was certainly not a mental health professional, I just didn't know how to deal with him when he was particularly upset, and eventually, I couldn't handle it. Our relationship ended terribly, and now we don't talk. Sometimes, when I think about him, I kick myself for how poorly I handled the situation. So please, for you ladies who find yourself in a similar one, don't stay with someone out of guilt. It never ends well.
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Comments (34)
If the relationship doesn't sit right, it's not right.
I've been in a similar situation where I regretted how I handled the break-up afterwards. We talk now, but it's never very deep or long. I think things will heal given time.
"Time heals all wounds." Remember that. You two might talk again someday. :)
I ALSO RAN TO GERMANY WHEN MY EX STARTED SAYING "Omg, me too!" we have SO much in common!
Painful, but it's a damn good lesson.
My friend went through the very same thing. Except in her situation they guy didn't treat her right all the time, he had cheated once. Everytime she decided she wanted to dump him and move on he would threaten to kill himself or cry hysterically until she felt guilty enough to get back with him. We never knew if he did this on purpose or not, but he did always seem to know exactly what to say to make her stay with him. It was horrible. If you want to break up with someone then be strong and do it. Plus, you never want him to get to the point where he gets angry and physical when you break up with him.
I did the same thing, once, minus the depression. I wasn't strong enough to end it for a very long time, and when I finally did, I hurt him very badly because of how poorly I handled it. I guess I just kept hoping that overnight he'd become what I wanted/needed...and it never happened.
I'm glad I finally realized it wasn't right, though. If I hadn't, if I'd stuck with it, I'd never have met my husband, and I'd never have known how wonderful a relationship is when you don't have to force it.
Everything happens for a reason, and while I regret staying with him as long as I did, I don't regret the lessons I learned because it makes me appreciate what I have now all the more.
-Katie
@forgottenrevelations@xanga - So true.
I'm sorry it had to end that way, I dated someone similar but when I decided I was done I was DONE. And another time when I did try to break up with someone and couldn't, it did not end well. So I feel your pain.
I agree, but as well as guilt, one should not stay in a relationship for vengeance or out of spite or anger. Staying in a relationship for feelings other than your own happiness as well as your SO's is just terrible and hurts incredibly when it's over. Although, if it's out of spite or anger, it might not hurt the person with said emotions >_>
I can relate to this in some ways :c
This makes me sad ):
Never had to deal with that..If I'm not happy regardless if I make him happy..I'm not going to stay with him, simple as that. I'm not going to lie etc;
I was in the exact same situation as you. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a total of two years. The first year we were together, it was fine and dandy, but, of course, my feelings eventually started to fade. I was able to break up with him for a month or so when things started getting REALLY bad between us (it took A LOT of fighting, crying, and ignored calls though). However, as in your case, I was sucked back in when he pulled the pity card. Again, everything seemed okay with us. But during the last four months of the relationship, the same feeling of dissatisfaction and "fake happiness" returned, and I could not stand keeping up with the facade for his own sake. Also, the longer I stayed with him, the more horrible of a person I felt I was becoming because I as well as those close to me noticed that I was more easily agitated and violent (which was atypical since I am normally a bubbly person), especially whenever he and I would argue. Every time we fought, I treated him more and more like crap, and, though I knew I was being harsh and insensitive, I was at the point where I just didn't give a $#!% anymore. Shortly after our 2nd anniversary, I finally got the courage to break up with him - and this time it is permanent.
I'm really glad you posted this blog. I'm sure there are many people out there, like you and me, that have stayed in a relationship just for the sake of the other, thinking that they were doing the right thing. In reality, though the truth may hurt them at first, honesty will ALWAYS prevail. For, not only did you mislead them into thinking that you were genuine, but you also put yourself through living a lie that could have easily been avoided. Not to mention that you wasted both of your time.
I suppose that's why it is often said that it is never too good to be TOO nice, eh?
Lesson learned.
I don't understand why guys do that...try to make their partner stay with them, even if the other person is unhappy. Doesn't your happiness count? It's so manipulative.
I dated a guy once where something felt off. I had just been through a bad relationship so when he came along, I wasn't going to have any nonsense. After only 6 months, we broke up and he went crazy. He didn't eat and barely slept. He lost about 15+ lbs. in a matter of weeks. It was so terrifying to see him go that far off the deep end only after 6 months of us dating. I was so glad it was over and the more he tried to get me back by saying awful shit and acting wierd, the more I was glad it was over. I had no idea what a nut he was until I called it off. Never ever, ignore that little voice in the back of your head or that nagging feeling in your stomach. It's usually right.
Wow, I think you and I may have shared a boyfriend. I ended a similarly emotionally manipulative relationship last week. I feel strong and happy for the first time in nearly 4 months. Sure, I probably hurt him, but at least now I don't need to cry myself to sleep every night because I so badly wanted to be free and thought myself an awful person because of it.
No one should have to stay with someone because they feel as though they have to for the sake of the other person. When the relationship starts to have unhealthy signs, it's time to just man up and get out of it. I know it's hard, because most of us have this thing about wanting to make people happy, but in the end, it's not going to help the person you're with and it's not going to help you any. I just wish people would realize that before it's too late. I've seen it happen too many times.
I always laugh at people who say that the only thing that makes them happy in the world is someone else. You can't rely on someone else to make you happy, you're putting unrealistic expectations on that person, and also you're not letting yourself branch out into other things that may make you happy.
A relatioship is supposed to be about happiness... Women around here tend to think differently: they want someone to support their 2-5 children that doesnt share your blood.
As a person with a mental illness...I feel for the ex-boyfriend. Not for you. You were a bitch in my opinion and didn't do anything to help in any manner. Yes, your happiness counts, but not at his serious expense (which can include the taking of his life). I agree that the relationship should have ended...if it's not based in love, then it's not right. But you could most certainly have done more and handled it better. Yeah, I'm gonna get some back lash for my opinion, but y'all have no idea what that boy felt like. I do. I felt it and still do. So I guess I'm just more sympathetic to him and his side of the story.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - It's a different situation if they have a mental/emotional illness. Then it's not so much of them meaning to be manipulative. They need that stability in their life or else they feel like everything in the world just ended and that carries a very, very, very, very large risk of suicide. It's a survival mechanism, really.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - You're right, if a person is not willing to commit oneself fully into a relationship, then one shouldn't mislead the other just for the sake of his/her happiness. But c'mon, give her a break. There's no need to bash her for a wrong she has already confessed.
I defend the author because I made the same mistake. There were numerous times when my ex-boyfriend had said, "I'll kill myself if you leave me." Tell me, what would have been the right thing to say then? Trust me, it is NOT easy to break up with someone who uses his/her own life as a threat to keep you around - even if you know that breaking up IS the most honest thing to do. So, in my opinion, THAT is the prime example of manipulation because not only are you led to believe that staying with them is saving their life, but that, by doing so, they have successfully taken advantage of you for being TOO nice. Of course, it is more complicated if he/she has a mental illness, I understand that. But, tell me, what would you have done? Would you have broken up with them despite their constant suicidal threats, or would you have felt sorry and given in?
I sympathize for the ex-boyfriend, I honestly do; but you have to be sensitive to her as well and what she put up with for his sake. That's all I'm saying.
I was in a very similar situation last year. My best guy friend and I had been hanging out so much more often than we ever had. Then one night he tells me that he'd like to be more than friends. I asked him to let me think about it. He said he would, but he would bring it up every chance he got. I admitted that I USED to have a crush on him, but it had already gone away. Then he went and practically begged me to give him a chance, reasoning that if I once had a crush on him there might still be a remnant of it left (or something like that). And so I decided to give him a chance...how could I resist my best friend's heartwrenching request? I should have, I really should have. Two days in and already it was feeling very very wrong for me. Like you, I was extremely uncomfortable and he was just so blissfully unaware. Until I tried breaking it off, almost two weeks later. He then became very needy and clingy. He would come to my house at freaking midnight to ask me to explain to him why (for the nth time) it couldn't work and why "the universe was always denying him the one thing he had always wanted" (a relationship, not me XD). I had told him to give himself time to grieve and heal, and he said he would.
Fast forward three weeks later and he has a girlfriend. Fast forward 10 months later and they're engaged. He and I don't talk anymore. We were still really good friends even after the split, but as I heard from common friends, apparently his girlfriend told him to stop talking to me. I'm just sorry I lost such a good friend. Meh. I'll live.
@katberg@xanga - There's a difference between a manipulative asshole (which was more than likely what you encountered but I don't know that for a fact) and a person who truly has a mental illness (such as the author's which we know is fact). To answer your question, yes I would have ended the relationship, but not the way that she did. I think the thing that gets me the most out of the whole post is this line "But, as I was certainly not a mental health professional, I just didn't
know how to deal with him when he was particularly upset, and
eventually, I couldn't handle it." You don't have to be a professional to help someone. It's almost as if she just gave in and used this as an excuse for her actions. There are many ways to learn about mental illness(es) without being a professional, but she didn't take advantage of these resources the way that she should have. But again, my first sentence in this reply/comment is the most important. And that's what I think people are missing. There's a difference; the article isn't just about manipulation as so many readers are replying as, it's also about dealing with someone that has a serious mental problem. Someone with a true, diagnosed mental illness is different than a plain ole manipulative jackass.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - Thank you for your opinion! But while I appreciate and value it, I certainly don't appreciate your calling me a bitch. I don't think that was really warranted. Nevertheless though, thank you for your comment-- I think it was a valuable point to make.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - I understand what you mean. If he had a serious problem though, he should have gone to a doctor for help, instead of relying on someone who had no experience and could not help him. Love can not fix a mental disorder. Therapy, medication or both are what he needed, not a girlfriend who had no idea what to do.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - Very true. I do hope that he got the help that he needs/ed. And yes, relying on a loved one for your sole help isn't going to cut it. Professional help is warranted. But a lot of times, people under estimate the importance of loved ones in the healing/helping process. I can tell you from first-hand experience that if my boyfriend (who is now my husband) had left me or hadn't helped me get the help that I needed, I would be dead from suicide. Plain and simple. Now, that might not be true for all cases out there in the world. But a lot of people simply don't realize how important they are to that person as a source of stability. That mentally ill person's mind isn't stable at all, it's like the mind is one constant earthquake in their head. The loved one provides some stillness in a foundation. When that foundation is gone, the earthquake becomes worse and starts to include tidal waves, hurricanes, fires, tornadoes and thunderstorms. Never underestimate your worth to a person with a mental illness.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - I completely agree with you. Coldly saying "I'm sorry I can't help this person; i am not a mental help professional" really is no different than saying the same thing in the midst of a physical illness (actually, mental health illnesses ARE physical illnesses). "I'm sorry I can't help you if you have cancer, I'm not a cancer specialist. It is not my job to help you." Having someone to support you during a mental health illness is like 70% of the equation of feeling better. From what I've seen and my own experience, many to most mental health illnesses STEM FROM problems with other people. We could go into a big nature vs nurture debate, but the fact is that at the very least, most mental illnesses were at least AGGRAVATED or provoked by some kind of problem with other people, be it rejection, abuse, or loss. The stigma against mental illnesses makes me sick, and the posts people have on this blog reek of it. I hope you all have someone writing about how hard their lives are when having to deal with you, this manipulative monsteron the brink of helplessness and unimaginable emotional pain.
In this situation. Right now. Wishing I ended it back in October when I had the chance. The boy in my story is not severely depressed, but severely dependent. He has no fucking clue how to operate on his own. I didn't want his life to fall apart, because most of it already sucked anyway, so I just hung in there. Now I'm kicking myself over it trying to find a way out. We are on a "break" now, but soon I'm going to have to say that I'm not coming back.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - I've been on BOTH sides of this one, and I disagree with you. I've been depressed and suicidal, but I still don't feel all that bad for the boyfriend. Instead of clinging to someone that doesn't want to be there for him, he should have turned to a professional or sought out friends that did want to help. I fucked myself over by clinging to a bad ex because I was depressed and needed the support, and I look back on that as MY mistake, not his. By forcing him to stay around and be unhappy, I was constantly worried about him trying to leave again. When he was not all that interested in helping me (because, you know, he was unhappy), I got even more depressed. Had I let him leave, had I not clinged on, I would have saved myself a lot of anxiety over that terrible relationship. But hindsight is 20/20.