Tuesday, 10 August 2010

• Just Don't Do It: Keep Your Hands to Your DATE (and No One Else)

  
  
  
  Oh this one is so important - my apologies for leaving it unsaid for so long.
  
  If there is one thing you absolutely should NOT DO when you are still involved with someone in the early dating stage (presumably every other stage of any romantic relationship as well, but I'll stick to what I know), it is this rule.  
  
  The rule is as follows: Never, ever, EVER inflict purposeful jealousy upon your date - particularly by way of hitting on your potential significant other's friends. Ever. 
  
  Allow me to explain.
  
  The early dating period is a time when you are still getting to know one another - you're still feeling out one another's character.  It's also a time that leads to the next stage: the official dating period.  And, of course, the transition from "early" to "official" starts with a laid claim ("the title", so to speak).
  
  Therefore, jealousy is unfortunately OK in small doses throughout this early period - it's not only part of the excitement of not knowing how you feel about one another yet, but it's a necessary part of pushing the relationship to the next phase.  Without a small streak of worry about losing a person once their co-dater has decided that s/he likes the person, there won't be any reason to lay claims over that person at all.
  
  But let me clarify "small doses".  This means that the jealousy is not inflicted by the person it is felt over in any purposeful way.  It occurs in small ways, like someone giving you a tremendous compliment in front of your date, or a bartender or fellow bar-mate  offering up a free drink with a smile (accepting the drink is your call - I wouldn't recommend acceptance when it's offered by the latter, in particular).  In fact, you usually won't even realize that jealousy was inflicted at all (although you may suspect it was).
  
  Purposeful inflictions of jealousy, which are never acceptable or appropriate, happen in reverse: you instigate a flirtation with another person, and hit one them in front of your date.  I don't mean innocent flirtation - I mean you are full-on coming onto them, whether that means touching them in some way, talking to them seductively, or allowing them to do/say blatantly sexual things to you without doing shit to stop them.
  
  Presuming you don't actually want to sleep with this other person, which could understandably occur in the early stages of dating but hopefully not at the stage where your date is tentatively stepping to the next level) is committed with the sole intention of making your date jealous.  (The lowest you can go is to center a purposeful infliction of jealousy on your date's friends.)
  
  Need I list why?
  
  1. You appear to remain on the prowl.  This has the effect of showing your date that s/he is not quite good enough, and that you are keeping him or her around simply until you find someone else.  If you are already having sex with your date, this can have fatal consequences for the otherwise potential relationship. And NOTE: If it does NOT have fatal consequences upon your otherwise potential relationship with your date, you have just dug your own grave - your date will now (male or female, doesn't matter) be clingy and possessive to the point of severe physical pain.  Have a nice time.
  
  2. You appear dirty.  Hey boy/girl - you bein' a slut!  And that's exactly how it tends to be interpreted.  Hitting on multiple people in a night (and yes - by virtue of going wherever you are with your date, s/he is an automatic 1) is indicative of someone who is trying to sleep around.  Someone who is trying to sleep around is not someone who is desirable to date. Case closed.
  
  3.  You appear the jealous type.  Dating 101: People act according to how they expect to be treated.  If someone is running around coming onto other people in front of a date they have only newly fit into their arms (if you will), any desirable date will assume that that person is used to such behaviors him/herself.  And no - there is no way that this will ever become attractive.  Someone who is used to those kinds of volatile relationships wherein jealousy is a fun game that the partners play until someone "loses" and the game/relationship is over is NOT someone who attracts anyone but their fellow players.  In other words - you will attract the people you act like.  Enjoy the game - nothing ever changes in it but the competitors.
  
  4. You become less of a catch.  Your date sees you hitting on everyone else you see - s/he doesn't feel too lucky to have you anymore.  S/he's thinking to him/herself - "Wait...did I have to do ANYTHING to get this person in the first place?" And the answer appears to ring a resounding "No."
  
  And if (God help you) you hit on your date's FRIENDS upon introduction (or slightly after, WHATEVER), you can go ahead and add 5.) Manipulative and 6.) Toxic to your list.  Nothing is more despicable than a newcomer that attempts to destroy bonds of friendship formed way before introduction.  That is one little dramafest that all reasonable people consider nightmarish and repulsive.
  
  This rule is confusing to some, as the line between the natural emergence of jealousy vs. the purposeful infliction of it may not be always clear.  Follow this rule of thumb: Don't ever WANT to make someone jealous.  It's never a good thing, and accidental inflictions with any date that's worth your time will pose no risk while the purposeful ones absolutely do. 
  
  Let accidents happen while letting dating crimes remain uncommitted.  You might think that making your new partner jealous will end well for you, but I can tell you right now that you are absolutely, definitely, and unexceptionally wrong.  So just don't do it.
  
  Have you ever been with a date that does not keep his/her hands to you alone?  Have you ever failed to keep your hands to your date?
  

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