Friday, 06 August 2010
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I Think We Need A Break...But I Don't Know How
"I think we need a break."
Saying those six words is almost worse than just breaking things off for good. The taboo of taking a break is that no one ever really knows what that means. Are you supposed to talk while you're on a break? Are you supposed to talk to other potentials? What are you supposed to do. Taking a break means diving into a state of limbo, essentially putting your relationship on hold...and what's worse is that you don't know if, when, or how the break is going to end.
This recent post asked if taking a break really works, and the truth is... no one knows! But here are some tips to help you out if and when you and your SO ever feel like you need a break.1. Well first, decide if you want a break at all.
Unfortunately, it is clear sometimes when relationships just have no future at all. If you and your SO have been fighting a lot or just don't get along anymore and there seems absolutely no way for you to continue that relationship, then you have to acknowledge that maybe taking a break won't even help at all. But if, even after months of fighting, you and your SO still want to try to work on your relationship, then maybe taking a break would be better than just breaking things off for good. Wanting to take a break means that you don't want to break up (just yet), but you need time apart to figure and work things out.2. Talk to your SO.
Wait, doesn't taking a break entail NOT talking to my SO? Yes, but that's not what I mean. A big problem that can totally defeat the purpose of a break before it even begins is not talking. You have to talk to each other before you go on your break, outlining what your expectations are. For instance, if you don't want to talk to your SO while you're on a break, but he does, then you have to work that out before you go on a break at all. Or if you're going on a break for a specific reason, you have to share that with each other as well. For instance, let's say that you realized that you've been spending way too much time together or that you have really become too dependent on your SO. Then you have to make sure that your SO knows the reason you want to go on a break and let him know that that's what you'll be working on during your time away from each other.3. Clarify, clarify, clarify
Because a break really is such a place of limbo, it's hard to be really sure of anything. It's important to clarify things with your SO. Some things you can keep in mind are the length of your break, expectations for each other throughout the break, perhaps changes you want to see by the end of the break, and how or when the break will end.4. Stick to your word!
Sticking to your word is perhaps the hardest part of going on a break. If you and your SO decided that it would be better not to talk to each other during your break, then you have to follow your decision. I know it'll be hard to not talk to him, especially if you talk to him all day, everyday. But you have to stick to your word or there will be no point in going on a break to work on your relationship.5. Be confident.
And last, confidence. I don't mean for you to have great self-esteem although that is important. What I mean is to be confident in whatever you discover and decide by the end of your break. If you're convicted that, though you are so in love with your SO, it would be better for you both to break up, then you have to be confident in your decision. And if you do decide to stay together, but little problems still persist, you still have to be confident in what you've decided and work hard for your relationship.Going on a break is never easy nor is it all that fun. But sometimes time apart from each other is what you and your SO may need.
What do you think of these guidelines? Have you and your SO ever gone on a break?
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- From: michellenose@lovelyish
- About Me: A college student in New York City trying to catch up after spending a year in Paris. Interests include all things fashion, books, travel, and honeybees.
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Comments (20)
me and my bf got into this HUGE! fight the one day and he said those six words. When he seen my face(i was crying a river, no lie) he told me that he would never do that to me because he loved me to much. So we sat down and talked about how to solve our problems the right way instead of fighting(we are going on 4 years straight without a break-up!) oh && i do love that advice.
I'm more of a "lets talk this through, lets make no big desisions until we're calmed down and have taken a look at the bigger picture, because we both love eachother" instead of a person who decides they need to take a break. Actually, I don't think I would even consider taking a break from someone, that just seems weird. What kind of rules would be in place?
i've been the one "taking a break" from someone before, and i've also been the one being told he "needed a break". both times ended up in a real breakup a short time later. i think people just say this to cushion the blow, not because they want to actually work things out. at least in my experience.
Make sure you outline whether or not you can see other people during this break.
You'd think this would be obvious, but...
John
I think we need a break...but I dunno how
breaks are bad. i don't get the point of "taking a break".. why not just break up? It's like either you're together, or you're not, and if you're on a break, then you're not together.
I'm not a huge fan of taking breaks. I've never taken a break. It's either been a break up or we work through it. A break is pretty much breaking up, but in a nicer way.
@starcrossedloversdivine@xanga - Agreed. It almost always leads to real break ups. I wouldn't go there unless you're prepared for all the bad consequences..
those tips might be helpful and might not be..but I've only taken a real break once and it didn't end well. I broke up with my current bf then (my ex) and it became off and on again for nearly 2 years. You have to decide if it's best for you..or I would honestly take time off and go somewhere and enjoy yourself before making this decision. Those usually help a lot..it's a big decision and even to discuss it...it's still pretty big. Be prepared, that's all I'm saying.
yes, i did go on a break with an ex of mines a few years ago and it actually made me realize how much i didn't want to be with him anymore because we just werent right for each other anymore. taking a break means that there might not be a possibility for you to get back together but it's a chance that both people should be willing to take.
great advice.
breaks are the worst.
If you want a break, be prepared to lose them..
I'm currently on a break right now. Originally I had every intention of going back, but he's being so damn difficult about the whole situation that now that is probably not going to happen. And by probably not I mean yeah. Not happening. I'm done.
My ex decided that we should go on a break. During the break his ex-gf contacted him and then he went back to her...douchebag -_-.
I have actuallyu been on a succesful break unlike most of them seem to turn out. The reason we took a break though may have been slightly different to other people however. When me and my partner decided to take a break we talked it all out first. Layed down the rules and we did decide that we would talk and also see each other once or twice a week (we had been practically living together before). The reasons behind the break was that he had lost his drivers license and had to rely on me for 7 months anytime he wanted to go anywhere which led him to feel trapped. Also it was around the anniversary of his parents death so he was not in a great frame of mind. I could tell he was distant so i suggested it and for one month we were on a break after which he remembnered (as he assured me he would) all the reasons he loved me and wanted me around. And i simply understood that he needed it for his mental health. So though it was hard on me, i trusted him enough when he told me he just needed time and still loved me. There you go breaks can have happy endings!
I've taken a break once before and it can either end on really good terms or it can take a turn for the worse. I believe a break should be intended for both parties to re-evaluate their relationship and determine whether they are ready to make a committment and ultimately settle down. However, in some cases it's the complete opposite where one person sees someone else and strings the other person along in case things don't work out with his current relationship. Overall, I've learned to maintain a mentality that we're either together or we're not. There should be no in between.
My boyfriend and I were laying in bed and he said "Do you think we should take a break?" Just a day or two prior to that, my roommate and I were talking and he said he thinks my boyfriend and I should take a break...so I said to my boyfriend "Maybe. It might be good for us." It was a trick question. He was all, "seriously? you want to take a break?" So we're not on a break. I still think it could be good for us. But I'm going back home to see family next week, so that'll sort of be like a break.
My ex boyfriend decided we needed a break and he didn't "clarify, clarify, clarify." It made everything significantly harder because I didn't know what exactly we were doing. When he decided he wanted a break I basically left his room as quickly as possible because I was so upset so we didn't really talk in the moment. And then afterwards I felt awkward texting him because we were on our break. So I never really got clarification. We eventually got back together but things went to shit for good after. I blame the break more than anything (aside from him).
the advise given is good--and i think i do need a break from ma relationship--because i think ma partner is taking me for granted--we have been together four years--and in the past year o so--i have tried numerous times to talk to him--making everuy effort--but he just doesnt seem to make time for me--its him and his friends--i hadnt seen him in over a week and a half--and i do understand his working and all--but yesterday when i called him--he took forever to answer--and when he did answer--i could hear noise in the backgound-when i asked him where you are--he told me chipmunks!..with his mate and his mates kid!--makes me wonder--why is that you can make time for them yet not time for me?..and later on he did come round--to drop a car off along with one of his mates and another mates mrs--when i asked to be introduced to the mrs--he told me NO--i was so pissed off!!!!..and when i texted and asked him if his ashamed of me--his reply was that there is a right time for everything!..and knowing it--that will never happen!..neways thats part of ma life story--i really dont wana take a break--but i think i need it--because he needs to sort out his priority in life--and i need to start sorting out ma life aswell--
I am currently on a break, and I asked for the break. We are taking this break for unusual reasons. we have been together for over a year and for much of that he has been struggling with anxiety disorder and major depression. Last semester I was his total support. He rarely came out of his room and I had to check on him to make sure he had eaten that day, etc. It was really hard on me. Over the summer we were long distance, but he was getting help and doing much better. So much better, in fact, that he stopped seeing his counselor before school started again. Everything was great with us when school started back up, but it turns out he wasn't going to classes, and was much better at hiding it this semester. I felt so betrayed and he left school to work on his issues from home. Since he has gone back home, it has been almost impossible to see him. He said he would try to see me once a week or so, but he wouldn't see me unless I planned something, and 2 weeks ago he asked me to come spend the day with him at his house, watching movies and playing video games and I was very excited and planned my weekend around it and then he cancelled on me at the last minute because it had snowed the day before. Later it comes out that he was lying, and the real reason was that his friend had stayed the night the night before and wanted to stay another night and he decided it would be better if we did something another weekend.
I am at a very serious university and am highly involved in my sorority and other clubs, and he knew that was the only weekend I had time to spend more than a couple of hours with him, and I had made that very clear. I still don't understand why he did that. He apologized profusely and kept telling me all these sweet things and sending me loving text messages and whatnot, but actions speak louder than words to me. I have done so much for him and I don't think it is too much to ask for him to take initiative every once in a while and to keep plans when he makes them. He sees his best friend at least once a week and has seen me 4 times in the last 2 months. I am taking this break so he can see that this relationship needs to be treated with more care, and that I can't deal with this weird situation anymore, so we will get back together when he comes back next semester,
We set ground rules, we can text or call each other when we want to check in, and I actually saw him 2 days after we decided to take this break. We will be back together when next semester starts and we aren't seeing other people while we are apart. I love him so much and hope things will work out, but am willing to accept the fact that by asking for this break I may end it. He's the only man I want to be with, but I need to look out for myself for a while. This is very good advice. A civil conversation about the break is always better, and it should be a well-thought out decision.