Tuesday, 03 August 2010

• 5 Reasons Why I Will Never Go Down on You, Ever

  
  
  Gross.
  
  Do you actually think I’m going to do that?
  
  AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  
  You are too funny. You’re really cute when you’re funny.
  
  But seriously, I will never go down on you, ever. Like, never. For serious.
  
  I don’t have to justify myself, but there are a boatload of reasons why it will never happen: 

  You Smell Terrible 

  Disgusting! I’m not putting my nose anywhere near that. You are so selfish, sometimes.

  It Looks Weird

  Have you seen what it looks like? Probably not. You didn’t do that thing from the “Vagina Monologues” and straddle a mirror, did you? If so, you probably passed out in horror, hit your head, and forgot what you saw in the first place.

  It looks like a cross between an acid-spitting demon from space and an underwater volcano. You have got to be kidding me.

  I Don’t Want Hair in My Mouth

  I saw this one episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” when I had HBO at a hotel, and Larry David got a hair stuck in his throat. It was so bad that he had to go to the doctor.

  Do you seriously expect me to endanger my respiratory health for you? Yeah, right. 

  I’m Bad at It

  I’m not saying that I’ll ever do it -- or admitting that I ever have done it, in the past -- but every time I’ve done it before, I’ve been really bad at it. I’ll probably just mess things up.

  Bro Tip, for The Ladies: Your boy lacks confidence in his oral skills. Try telling him that he’s a good kisser, and that it's a transferrable skill. Butter him up, then have him start kissing down your tight bod. Bingo.

  I Don’t Have To

  Let’s be real: there are absolutely zero consequences for my refusal to pleasure you.

  Okay, we can kiss longer. Fine, I’ll cuddle for another half-minute before I fall asleep. I make concessions from time to time. But unless I’m punished for my disobedience, I’ll never learn.

  And if you threaten to take away equivalent services from me, I’ll just find someone else who’s happy with the oral exchange rate. Wink, wink.

  Fellow bros, why are women so needy? Don’t they know that that’s never going to happen, ever? You’d think they’d have figured this out by now...

  • 10:32 PM
  • 17192 Views
  • 420 eProps
  • 221 Comments