Tuesday, 03 August 2010
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Does "Taking a Break" Really Work?
One of my co-workers has recently been having problems with her beau of a year. From what I gather, they've been having relationship problems for a while now, and are both starting to express that no good "burnt out" feeling.Talking to her the other day, she mentioned that she was considering suggesting that she and her SO take a break. Okay, so break taking is nothing new, but from the perspective of someone in a (currently stable) relationship, I've never really had to think about it.
Toward the end of my last relationship, things had gotten rather tumultuous between my now ex and I. Although we never officially took a break, we did break up once, but ended up getting back together before the relationship ultimately ended. I'm sort of an all or nothing kind of girl, so I can't really imagine being on a relationship hiatus. My mind tends to wander as it is, so if there weren't clear expectations, I'd probably end up feeling more paranoid and neurotic than enlightened. But hey, that's not to say that it can't work for some. While I do think stepping back from a relationship and gaining some perspective can be valuable, it gets tricky when the boundaries between single and "on a break" get blurred.
What are the rules when you take a break from your relationship? Do couples even sit down and specify them, or does having rules sort of defeat the purpose? If you and your partner can have some sort of agreement about how the break should be handled then yes, maybe it's a good route to take. But it seems that there's a lot of room for error.
What do you think? Does taking a break help more than it hurts?
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- From: stateofhart
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Comments (49)
I would say taking a break VERY RARELY works. Most of the time if there was a problem that required a break in the first place it's still going to be there after the break. I find sitting down and talking about the problem and figuring out if there is a way to solve it (and then solving it) is better than taking a break and seeing if things change magically on their own.
If you take a break to "see other people", then you may as well call yourselves single. It's a stupid way to keep your ex (because, yes, they are NOW your ex) on the back burner in case single doesn't work out.
I think that taking a break is silly. I mean, maybe it works for some people, but I still think it's ridiculous. I agree with the above posts -- you're on a back burner during that time so your SO can see if there's something better. That's fucked up. My ex boyfriend basically wanted our whole relationship to be a break. The first time we broke up, he wanted to categorize it as a break so he could see how things would go with this other girl. I told him no, that we were just breaking up. The second time, we wanted an open relationship because I was studying abroad and I was uncomfortable with that so ultimately he broke up with me. A break is really just a way of keeping the other person around just in case there's nothing better out there.
From my experience, taking a break usually hurts more than it helps. You are either together or not together. There is no in between. Once you try finding that impossible "in between", that's when more problems start.
Only a YEAR ??
Wow.. that's not a good sign
Me and my bf of almost 6 years and things aren't going smoothly
we decided to give this one last try
I myself would never go on a break.
If you break up and eventually get back together fine but I don't know. I don't think I could do a break
From someone who has tried the whole break thing, it didn't work for me. Maybe it was because I didn't see it coming and only agreed to it because I really loved him and convinced myself that it was better to take time apart then be broken up for good. However, we never sat down and set ground rules as to what the break would entail so he started seeing someone else but would come back and want to have sex with me. For me, not only did it confuse the heck out of me but it was also screwing with my feelings because I wasn't sure if he really cared about me or just wanted someone on the side in case it didn't work out with the other person. It all gets really complicated and you'll soon realize it can turn more into a FWB kind of relationship.
breaks are pointless. its like you dont have enough balls to just break up with someone so you dangle them on a little rope until you can figure out how to get rid f them. if you're relationship isnt goin well just break up and leave it at that. if you guys end up working things out and get back together then fine, but the whole "break" thing is stupid!
It's called a break because it's broken.
It's just a band-aid, and before long, you have to rip it off and move on.
I took a break with my husband (then bf) around the 2 yr mark. in our situation, it made me really appreciate him. most of the time, breaks don't work out. usually one party needs some space and the second party gives it to him/her but doesn't want to take the second party back once the break is over. fortunately for me, my husband took me back.
Taking a break does one of two things: it either shows the couple how happy they are apart, or shows them how much they miss each other and want to be with each other. I have been in both situations. Both times, I'm grateful for the break. The first time, it was my first relationship, and I didn't really know how to "end" the relationship. We'd been together for two years, and I wasn't really sure how to end a relationship with someone who had been my best friend for so long. We took a break, and I realized how stifled I had felt. The second time, I realized I had taken him for granted, I missed him like crazy, and I had no desire to live my life without him. We got back together, and now we're getting married. Sometimes you just need to take a step back into the reality of the world that is not you and your partner, and remember how things are outside of the "us".
I'm currently on a break and I consider myself single even though there's this little voice in my head telling me that I'm not (not officially anyway). My relationship with my then-boyfriend wasn't doing well so I suggested that he move out of my house so we would have some space. He got upset and said he needed time to think if he still wanted to be with me. That was a month ago and I haven't spoken to him in over 3 weeks so it's pretty much over for me. It's working out in my favor because it made me realize that I don't want to be with him. (and I believe he feels the same. he's the type of person that doesn't believe in closure so he'll just let it drag on like this until we both start seeing other people) But if you're in the opposite situation, like if you really want to be with your SO but he/she wants to be on the break, I can see how it can be devastating.
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you need to be away from someone to realize you want to be around them, then things are messed up to begin with.
besides, with the current dating culture where everyone hooks up and the whole speed dating scene, chances are good a break quickly turns into a breakup.
If the couple really wants to make it through all the junk,
being separated is not the way to do it.
They have to go through the ups and downs together.
Taking a break from one another is a way to give
each other the time to adapt living without the other.
If a couple is having problems they need to solve the problem
by taking a break from certain habits (nagging, paying attention to little details, not supporting each other, and other petty habits).
Not take a break from each other.
If the couple is uncertain about remaining together,
then they should break-up rather than prolong the break-up that is coming with a "break".
That is my two cents.
I was in taking a break with my ex (then bf) but it solved nothing. The problems will still be there etc; and there are other ways to talk about the problems. Though honestly if it seems really really bad then break up with them. That's really what taking a break means..or to really make it better then go a mini vacation with friends then come back with a clear head. That usually helps and changes the mind set regarding a lot of things.
It worked for me. I'm better after taking a vacation...drama is over etc;
I've never been on an official break, though I have had a relationship end and then get back together with the person a few weeks later. I would have to say that to me a break would seem to make sense if they are trying to work on an issue and need space, then some type of individual or couples counseling might be in order.
A break is for two reasons. 1) There is a problem in the relationship that has pushed one or both of you over the threshold. Either it couldnt be solved by discussing it or it has been discussed and this is the last test to see if that person or persons are willing to change. 2) They are looking for something better, it sucks but thats reality. One person or persons are totally fed up and want to see whats out there. I've never taken a break and had it work out. But not all relationships are the same. If there is love then anything is possible. Sometimes a break will show each other how much they really care and that it's worth changing and fighting for.
to me there are no rules to when you take a break, it's basically breaking up and going your own way and hoping in time, you will have realized if it's really that person you want to be with or moving on with your life.
taking a break often means he/she wants to see other people without being called a cheater, then they can conveniently waltz right back whenever he/she feels like it. I don't take breaks. either he wants me or he doesn't. breaking up and making up is just playing with my emotions.
it hasn't for me, but i know people who have and it works wonders for them.
My former SO doesn't believe in breaks, so he broke up with me. I don't really think his reasons warranted a breakup, but I guess it doesn't really matter what we're calling it. Anyway, my point is...his reasons would be a good reason how a break would work. He had a lot of baggage that was unresolved from the past and needed to fix it all before being in a relationship because it started affecting us/his present. So I think if a couple takes a break so one of them can figure out things on his or her own, it's legitimate.
edit: I guess the big idea is...if it's a problem that isn't within the actual relationship, a break will work. He specifically said it wasn't me and really had nothing to do with our relationship, but had to do with the unfinished past.
I think the rules of a break are that you are both single until relationship is renegotiated or called off permanently. So dating others is A-OK. No fair trying to put someone on hold while you work out your issues. You can say "hey, let's have a break and talk in 3 months" but don't expect the other to not get on with their lives, because that is what a break is for, to see how you feel when you are not with that person, and potentially with someone else.
(by the way, I am "on a break"...sigh)
i think for a couple of days yeah it can help..weeks months or longer no, it does not help. becuz once the attraction is gone, its gone.
From what I've seen, usually 'taking a break' just involves one person wanting to see what else is out there (but that might just be because I'm a teenager...).
I think it could work if you're just spending a couple days apart. It might help.
I used to think that 'break' is just a little detour to 'break-up'. My boyfriend and I took a 'break' but we didn't completely lose communication. We still hung out sometimes and in the end we got back together because I told him, I wanted "All or Nothing". So we had to make a decision and eventually got back together.
So I think a 'break' would work and show what's best for the couple.
My ex broke up with me, then when i got into another relationship and was actually happy, told me we were on a break and said that he wanted me back because he realized how much he missed me. Yeah, breaks are bullshit. Your either in it, or your not. Theres no inbetween.