Monday, 02 August 2010

• Why Mustaches Are More Like MUSN'T-staches

  
  
  He stood with his back to me, pouring two Shirley Temples and popping extra cherries between thick chunks of ice. From behind, he looked fabulous—his hair was clean and recently trimmed, his back was devoid of sweat stains (an impressive feat this summer), and his behind region looked as firm as those cherries he had placed so neatly in our drinks. He was perfect.  
  
  And then he turned and revealed a characteristic more gruesome than ancient mummification: the pubey mustache.
  
  Much like Cher lamented on the fashion of her era in the opening scene of Clueless, I must say that I’m equally ashamed of some of the trends that hipsters have popularized in this fine decade. I’m all for the tight jeans and cut-offs and scruffy hair, but I must say, I’ll never be one for gauged ears or ironic mustaches. I’d rather not lust after someone who looks like he glued one of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows to his upper lip.
  
  So as popular as these mustaches have become, I must say, men, you should really try to keep a clean upper lip. I’m sure there are a lot of fine ladies who disagree with me, but I feel like mustaches are unacceptable for the following reasons:
  
  1) You’re probably in your early twenties and, try as you might, can’t grow a Tom Selleck-worthy mustache. Your resulting “facial hair,” then, always looks sort of like a desert with clumps of dry grass. If you’re not Magnum P.I., don’t try to be.
  2) It makes you look like you should be driving a white windowless van and handing out freebee gummy bears to small children.
  3) You’re not Ned Flanders.
  
  Of course, there are always circumstances under which you should most definitely have a mustache:
  
  1) If it's Mustache May (fair, at least, because I certainly partake in No Shave November... and Don't Shave December...  and Just Don't Shave January... and Furry February...)
  2) If it looks awesome on you, like it does on this guy:
  
  
  
  But unless you're some sort of magical hair-growing ice cream man like that guy, please, no more mustache tattoos on your fingers, no more Mario-esque mustaches that whip up at the ends like curly fries, and no more handlebar mustaches that make you look like a young Wilfred Brimley. I swear, if you do this, we'll start shaving our legs more often.
  

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  What are your thoughts on facial hair?

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